A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about love, marriage and monogomy. When two people love each other and are married, is it normal for both of these people to be seriously attracted to other people, to the point of one having an affair and the other having to use extreme self control to avoid doing the same?Is this just the reality of long relationships and that staying married is down to resisting these extreme temptations and staying together through self discipline, and working on the love between the married couple? Does this point to a problem in the relationship or is it just the way it goes for all relationships?
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female
reader, complete  +, writes (23 May 2009):
Monogamy is like Santa, Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, eventually we should come to an age when we realize it doesn't exist for a vast majority of people. However this realization usually comes with maturity and that is where the problem lies within relationships. We enter them with our immature minds at work. We have outlandish expectations of our partners and truly believe that they should never want to be sexual with another person again. Statistics rule in this case. But are we listening? No instead we demand not only monogamy but a complete abstinance from the opposite sex.
It is not normal to be jealous and possessive, it is a learned behavior. Humans did not start out monogamous, in fact there are no known fully monogamous animals on our planet. (we are animals, just another species sharing the space)
To end a wonderful and compatible relationship over sex is ludicrous. Sex is wonderful and when it fades from the primary relationship then there is nothing wrong with exploring sexuality with another person.
Jealousy is immature and only experienced by insecure people.
This is the fault of our society. From the time our girls are born we begin to teach them that all other females are the enemy and are only waiting for an opportunity to pounce on your man and if they win him over then you will be left without hope of ever having love again and you will be financially devastated. Women need to stand up and take back their power. Stop being ruled and controlled by sex or shared love outside of your primary partnership.
Most men and women who have "affairs" will tell you that the affair had absolutely no affect on how much they love their primary partner.
Oh and it is possible for humans to love more than one person at a time. In fact we are brilliant at it when allowed.
Also monogamy is only the practice of a very few cultures. We could learn a lot from other cultures who embrace love in forms we do not fully understand here.
When you are at peace with yourself and love yourself and can rely on yourself for all your needs this subject becomes quit silly.
Let peace, love and harmony reign supreme, it really is the only choice if we are to evolve and survive here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): I don't know that your question has a black-and-white answer. How does 'being seriously attracted to other people' differ from being mildly attracted, or thinking unspeakable thoughts about a girl/guy on the Tv or in movies? What I would say is: in a healthy loving relationship, both parties are entirely certain that no temptation on Earth could possibly entice them to cheat. Whether that's sustainable over 5, 20 or 50 years depends on a multitude of factors.
I tend to take the pessimistic view, but I suspect that's influenced by personal experience. I recently emerged from a five-year relationship. To say that my ex was jealous and possessive would be a colossal understatement. I would be grilled over the most harmless exchanges - if a checkout girl at the supermarket so much as smiled at me, I was in for a Spanish Inquisition. I practically had to turn the channel if a sexy female appeared on TV. I had no intention of ever cheating, and I'm practically certain that I would have gone through my life without ever doing so.
My ex would expound at length about how unspeakably evil it was for anyone to cheat on their partner. I never felt it would be a good idea to point out the contradiction: that we'd actually gotten together while she was married to someone else. At age 25, three years into the marriage, she had already cheated on the husband on numerous occasions (while she wouldn't divulge the exact figure, I'm aware of at least four separate encounters).
But anyway, we had moved in together within three months of our first meeting and two weeks of our first sexual liaison. I didn't initially expect her to be monogamous, given her astounding looks, phenomenal sexual appetite and self-confessed nymphomania, but to my delight she pledged complete exclusive devotion. While being very open and honest about her past, she testified that there was no way she could ever want anyone else ('what would be the point?') and I felt the exact same way.
And it worked, blissfully (for the most part). We had three kids pretty quickly, and settled into a pretty considerate, passionate love affair. (PROMISE - I'm about to cut to the chase!) This is where your question starts to intrigue me...at some point, the passion fades. That's a fact. It may not apply to all relationships, but it certainly afflicts the vast majority of them.
I never was tempted to cheat (it was highly unlikely to happen anyway, since my movements were always accounted for and she tended to ring my phone every ten minutes when I was out of her sight.) As you've probably guessed, we're dealing with a very insecure person. Childbirth, and lack of free time, had altered her appearance from that of a red-hot head-turner into something of an overweight frump, and if I'm honest, sex became something usually initiated by her. I loved her, in capital letters. Was I still wildly sexually attracted to her? Probably not. Did she realise this? I suppose so.
Anyway, when the kids entered playschool and she was able to resume her career, she returned to engaging with the outside world, started on Prozac, lost weight in world-record time, had makeovers, looked fantastic again, dressed sexily, and started spending increasing amounts of time out of the house.
Her stated hard-line on The Evil Of Infidelity made me 99% certain there was nothing to worry about, but her behaviour became increasingly suspicious and I eventually discovered graphic sexual messages on her phone (I thought I was entitled to check, since she'd always checked mine) to and from two other men.
When confronted, her reaction took me aback. I assumed she would realise she didn't have a leg to stand on, or at the very least, she'd realise the phenomenal hypocrisy involved. Instead, she loudly announced that she 'was going to f*** whoever I want' and continued to do so for a few horrible months until the rows became too much and I moved out. Two years on, we're barely on speaking terms, but I still go round to see the kids.
Sorry, this response is very long, but I think every detail is pertinent. My point is: the more abrasively possessive someone's behaviour, the greater the chance that they actually don't trust themselves. I could have been more attentive during the 'doldrums' period, and I think she needed to prove she still 'had it'. But otherwise, I feel pretty blameless.
To answer your questions: YES it's normal to see other people as attractive, NO it's not normal to want to act on it. If you do, the relationship needs plenty of hard work or it won't sustain.
Sorry about the long reply! And good luck, I hope it works out. But I'm more confused about human nature and desire than I was beforehand, so I don't have all the answers.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 May 2009):
 With any luck and common commitment and work from both sides, the love will stay between you. Granted the love can change a bit, and feel different, but the love shouldnt' go. So in a loving marriage, I doubt affairs are the norm.
Fiona
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 May 2009):
I hope affairs are not the norm, or else what's it all for.
Why would you willingly throw away everything that you have? Relationships are not all bad, granted there are the tough times and big arguments. But there are also the great times, the fun, the holidays, common interests the shared goals and dreams... So when you look at those positives, it wouldn't make sense for somebody to deliberately hurt the other person, not if they respect the other person and value what they have together.
If you are attracted to other people rather than having only eyes for your guy, then why are you in the relationship, never mind, why did you get married? Surely you know pretty early on, say after a couple of months how attracted you are to him? I am not saying you love somebody so early on, but you get an idea of your attitude towards him and loyalty and being faithful. At that early stage you are at a "see how it goes" phase and the loyalty and respect gradually turns to love later in the year.
So if you bear all this in mind, how on earth are affairs the norm
Fiona.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): I was the one who asked the question. I did not mean having the affair was normal. What I wonder about is if it is normal for couples to be so tempted to have affairs or if the situation is due to a problem with the relationship?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 May 2009):
Um, no, affairs are not normal within marriage. That is why most couples who have affairs end up getting divorced.
If you are not happy together then you need to talk about it.
If your love is really really strong then you may be able to cope with an open relationship.
If not then divorce is your best bet.
Most married people will get a crush on another person and find other people attractive, but never to the point where they would act on it.
You just don't want to. And if you do then you remove yourself from the temptation because you know it's just a fantasy and not nearly as important to you as your marriage.
Good Luck!! xx
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