A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm on my last bit of hope for my relationship. I have been going out with my boyfriend 2 years and like any relationship we have our ups and downs. I figured out pretty soon in the relationship that he was very verbally aggressive in arguments and would get physically aggressive with his surroundings (hits walls or throws stuff). apart from the argument he can be very loving.When I try to tell him how I feel about the way he treats me sometimes he becomes so aggressive and says that I'm attacking him. But that's not the case. I feel like I can't tell him how I feel about his actions sometimes without him exploding in anger. He calls me a c**t and curses at me continously with f**king ads hole. He also calls me stupid and selfish. I find it really hurtful but he doesn't seem to care. He justifies his verbal abuse by saying that I drove him to it. Last night I said that I felt he wasn't interested in talking to me and he went really angry. He started verbally abusing me and said that I'm making him go crazy . I just apologised because I don't have the strength to be abused like that. I'm scared to say anything about my feeling around him. It's like he never accepts that he can be in the wrong. Even when we argue about small things he becomes explosive. He says he loves and cares about me but his actions prove different when he's angry.He also puts watching the football and playing his play station before me a lot of the time . It makes me sad cause he use to want to spend more time doing things with me. I don't feel like I can tell him these feelings because he gets aggressive and goes into defense mode. When were not arguing it can be great and this is why I want to save my relationship. I love him dearly.I would really appreciate some advice . What can I do to change things? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (18 November 2014):
Don't be a statistic.
There are so many guys in the world who will treat you well and make you happy. Yes not special and you should never be afraid of someone you supposedly love.
If you don't have the courage to leave him than for your unborn child's sake TAKE BIRTH CONTROL! He's not fit to be a lover, let alone a decent father.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 November 2014):
 Since you are not going to leave him because you love him then I will advise you on how to cope.
YOU cannot change HIM. YOU can change THINGS such as YOUR reaction to him.
My husband has PTSD from a lousy childhood and he reacts TERRIBLY to stress. Things are fine when he's sober and not stressed. That happens about once or twice a year. Either he's drinking, or he's stressed from work, or something going on in his head. NONE of this is my fault or my problem and therefore i owe him no apology or leeway.
When my husband is being an ass I leave. And THAT is what you need to learn to do too.
NEVER apologize to him for his bad behavior.
IF my husband called me a name I would leave. I would get my keys and take myself out to a friends house.
YOU are not responsible for his bad behavior and him blaming you indicates he's nowhere NEAR ready to get healthy.
THE ONLY reason I stay with my husband is that over the two years we are married he has come to see that HE has a problem, THAT HE IS THE REASON he drinks and he is unhappy. He is learning that his behavior (being drunk or abusive to me) has consequences he does not like. I leave. I stop dealing with him and I stop taking care of him till he sobers up and/or apologizes.
If you are AFRAID to talk to him (" I don't feel like I can tell him these feelings because he gets aggressive and goes into defense mode. ") then you are AFRAID OF HIM...
would you bring children into this relationship? would you want to raise children with an angry man who takes NO responsibility for his behavior?
what will you do if he hits you? (and trust me HITTING comes after name calling without fail)
My best advice, TILL you are ready to leave is to NOT accept his behavior. HOLD him accountable for it.
The next time he calls you a name, you say "I'm sorry I will not be spoken to that way, let me know when you are ready to behave like an adult" and then you LEAVE.
If you live together you go stay with a friend. IF you don't live with him, you walk out of his place and you do NOT contact him till he calls you and apologizes. This will be retraining him since for the last two years he's gotten away with being abusive to you.
If you make no changes and do not hold him accountable for his behavior NOTHING will change and the abuse will escalate.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2014):
 Change boyfriend. Thats the ONLY way to change things. Of course abusers can be charming when they want to, thats how they ensure you dont leave, and they can continue to step on you until your self esteem and self worth is so low you dont think you have any option but staying. Its how they work. How they manipulate. Get out now, before you throw away your life on this aggressor. You can not male him change, he soesnt want to. If he wanted to better himself he'd listen when you tried to talk to him. Instead he has silenced you by geeting aggressive each time you try to talk. So much for wanting you to express yourself... He does not care how you feel! He just wants you to shut up so he can continue treating you like shit.
You do not deserve this. No one can "drive" anyone to be an abuser. A person is always responsible for their own actions. Always. It is not your fault that hes an aggressive douche. Sorry, but rwally he is. Leave him. Your love for him wont help things. Nothing will ever get better. Apart from a month or two at a time, when he knows he needs to "put on the act" or else you walk.. But it never lasts.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 November 2014):
 Until he accepts he has a problem, he won't change.
You need to get out of this relationship before something really nasty happens.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (17 November 2014):
Nothing.
There is NOTHING you can do to stop this guy from abusing you. As long as you are together, he is going to continue to abuse you, and it will get worse and worse until he really hurts you someday.
Sorry, toots, those are the facts. Things being "great" when he isn't mad don't make this relationship worth it. Do you realize there are tens of thousands of men out there who will never throw things, never hit you, never call you names or belittle you? Get away from this guy. You are in it so deep you can't see how awful he is.
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