A
male
age
36-40,
*onofanewage
writes:Long story here...So I've been friends with this girl since I was about 16 or 17 (We are both 29 now) So after a few years of being friends (I met her at an old job of mine and I dated one of her friends that I also worked with...but it didn't work out) we started kissing and making out occasionally but never really said anything about it. It happened several times...and then we would end up dating someone and then, or communication would slow down and it would be weird hanging out with her because we couldn't be physical if we were dating someone else. Anyways...fast forward to now...She broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years back in May. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years in August. Me and my friend have been seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week now which is way more than we have ever hung out before. We'll go out to dinner, watch movies...the making out continues and we had sex for the first time a few weeks ago. All of our mutual friends are saying that we should date and my feelings for her are growing. I would really like to see where it goes since we know each other so well and every time we're single...we always end up coming together. So I brought it up and told her what I was thinking...and a week later she told me that she couldn't handle the stress (She's going through a bunch of stuff trying to get out of a lease with her ex and he parents are racist and I'm not white. So they don't like me very much...) Anyways...I am at a crossroads..I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just hang around and keep on hoping? Should I kinda distance myself from her so I can try to get my feelings under control? I have no clue. One more other detail....I had started seeing another girl because my friend introduced me and this other girl was interested in me....but when we hang out...I keep thinking of my friend...Any advice would be wonderful...thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): I think you should avoid the complications that have set-in at this point in her life. These interruptions may keep you and the first girl apart. Sometimes there are signs we ignore that tell us that someone really isn't right for us. There are some things you indicated that are really important, that you should seriously pay attention to.
She told you she is going through a stressful situation with her family and dealing with stuff. She is also in the process of going through her grief and loss from her recent breakup. You yourself only recently broke-up with your ex. Rebound-feelings easily disguise themselves as falling in-love. You had a moment of passion; because the sexual tensions were finally broken.
Don't try to sell anyone on the fact you've known each other a long time. That doesn't mean much of anything. You had a lot of opportunities to establish something meaningful, but you didn't seize them. You made-out with each other; yet you committed to other people. Now you've both broken-up with those people, and you suddenly grow feelings. After sex?!!
You must step back to discern the difference between love and lust. Good sex or sexual compatibility doesn't mean people are meant for each other. A lot more has to manifest itself, before you just jump to that conclusion.
I think you should back-off, and allow her to get her life in order. You both need to get-over your breakups first. Sex in this case may be misused for a painkiller; and your feelings might become ambivalent, or subject to change over time. You feel hot for each other one moment, and then it suddenly fizzles out. You'll be back to DC with a new post wondering what happened? If you were really meant to be, other people wouldn't have pulled you apart.
About that other girl. Don't string her along. Shes not there for your entertainment. If you date, let her know upfront you recently broke-up with someone. You are also in an infatuation with someone else; and she does not deserve to be lead on. Infatuation? Yes, because the other woman apparently isn't ready for anything serious with you. You'd be going through the motions with anyone else at this point.
Give her room for her healing, and to allow her time to settle her family problems. Be supportive without strings attached. Don't be an opportunist by using her vulnerability as a way to sneak in. She confessed up-front she is dealing with stuff and she isn't ready. That would only complicate and/or interfere with anything you try to start right now. You also want to make sure whatever feelings you have for each other, are real and pure. That you're not just seeking comfort from someone familiar and conveniently available.
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