A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,My bf and I have been together for a bit over a year, we live together, and are generally very happy. My one concern with him is that he watches porn. Not a whole lot, but sometimes. We have sex most days and we do our best to live out his fantasies ("facials" etc), the sex is very good. But he still wants porn and it makes me feel inadequate!I absolutely hate him getting off looking at other women, because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. He absolutely doesn't want to stop. I've suggested watching it together, but he doesn't seem thrilled about that either.Is he losing interest in me? Am I not good enough?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 If he lies about his porn use then we're talking about an entirely different matter. You didn't mention that he lies about it when you first asked the question. Lies are to be treated like all other lies, not acceptable. If he lies about his porn he will lie about other things as well. If he lies, then it is the lying-issue you must attack, not the porn-issue.
You think it is an easy thing to stop doing "if you love your partner", but it's a dangerous path to head down. Soon you'll say he should, or shouldn't, do numerous things out of his love to you. And he'll start tellingyou the same, if you love him you should do this and this and this. That's called emotional blackmailing.
Why should he stop doing something he enjoys because YOU don't want him to? Because he loves you? No. If so then he can ask you to never meet your friends again for example... also a simple thing to stop doing, if you love him. Maybe he is hurt you spend time with someone else than him. Tons of abusive and controlling men use that line to isolate their women.
I'm just saying that this sort of thiking is emotional blackmailing, and is unhealthy for your relationship. If you can not compromise and be honest and upfront with each other, then there is little point in continuing the relationship.
Ask him for a compromise on the porn, if you can not come to an agreement through conversation (do not use emotional blackmail). For example, he must always be honest about his porn use. And for example, he can only use his porn when you are not there/ in the same house as him.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Women says: If you love me you'd give up porn. Do you love porn more than me?
Man says: If you love me you wouldn't try to change me. Do you hate porn more than you love me?
I wonder who is gonna win, who loves who the most?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 March 2012):
 It is unhealthy to be unable to stop, but that doesn't make it easy to stop doing. It is a very ingrained habit usually. Most guys have been doing this since they were adolescents and have completely trained themselves to depend on it to the point where many can't even imagine masturbating without it. Some guys even have triggers for the habit, for instance one person I talked to had an insatiable urge at 5 PM daily. Another person had a particular noise that made him want to use it.
I always recommend the book The Porn Trap. You should read through it together. It helps you both better understand each other and come to compromises you can both be happy with (meaning not a "compromise" that involves him lying more and you pretending not to notice).
Here is an interview that talks about it:
http://www.therapytoday.net/article/show/1665/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. He agreed to try watching it with me and not lie about it anymore. I still don't like it, and I feel it is somewhat unhealthy to not feel like you can stop doing such a simple thing. Especially if it hurts your partner.
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A
female
reader, 10charlene25 +, writes (4 March 2012):
 hi i can understand how you feel my bf does the same thing and i feel just like you do, i think its a woman thing i hate that he feels the need to do this because like you i try my best and feel like its not good enough or im not enough my bf is aware that im not happy about it but still does it behind my back i have also offered to watch it with him altough i dont really want to and i think that your bf may feel uncomfortable with you there might be because he knows your not happy about it ,my bf told me he wouldnt be able to relax with me there, i think its the same for alot of women who use toys but men are very visual so need it because they lack imaganation but i also think that if i knew i was upsetting my partner by doing somthing they didnt like i just wouldnt do it anymore thats what bothers me the most tbh and probably the same for you , i think its a case of you either put up with it or move on im so sorry for you but dont look like he is gonna stop doing it altough he knows how this makes you feel some people are just selfish and thats how it seems to me .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): Lots of good answers for you to consider in this question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/men---if-you-have-a-really.html
If he won't stop and you can't live with it, then you have no other choice than to break up with him and find a guy who doesn't use it. End of story.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 March 2012):
Have you searched our archives on this? Because this topic comes up over and over and over. No, it does not mean you don't satisfy him. No, it does not mean you are not enough. His porn is his me-time and his quality time with himself. If he wont stop then he wont stop, and if you can't live with it then leave him and his porn and find a man willing to at least cut down on the porn. Some men will cut it out for the woman they love.
Why would you want to watch it together with him though? What would you hope to achieve with that?
And last but not least, what's all this about fulfilling HIS fantasies? What about YOURS? Do you ever get your fantasies fulfilled? Stop making sex all about his pleasure. Sex involves you as well, and if you start to treat yourself like nothing more then a sex toy then I can understand why you feel treathened by porn (because porn is just a sex toy). Your job is not to fulfill his every fantasy and be every thing sexually that he ever wants. You are not a toy. You should have sex because YOU want it, in the ways YOU want to as well, and it should be fair and NOT just about him. Once you start to treat yourself like an equal when it comes to sex I think you'll stop worrying about how much of a competiton porn is to you.
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