A
female
age
36-40,
*haashiie
writes:I am confused as to handle this situation with my boyfriend concerning his exgirlfriend. They were together for a year but have been broken up for almost 3 years. He told me when we met that he was still friends with her and that was something that other girls needed to understand and accept. He wasn't looking for anything serious at the time(we met through a friend), but we ended up clicking really well. Now that we're together - 3 months offically and dating for about 4 months before that - I have put together that although they were broken up, they weren't just "friends" like he first told me. They still occasionally were intimate, they spent a lot of time together, etc. What's really bothering me though is that he still talks to her often. The other night we were watching tv together and his phone went off and it was her texting him. I asked him the next day how often he talks to her because he hasn't mentioned her in a while and he said they were just talking 2 days ago because he found out through her sister that she was planning on moving to california and he didn't think that was a good idea because she hadn't thought it through so he got a hold of her to tell her that. It's one thing to be friends with an exgirlfriend that you have been over for years, but to me this seems excessive to be meddling in her life decisions like that? He also told me he was frustrated that she didn't let him know that she was in a car accident that week too. It was a very minor car accident with no injuries, by the way. Is this too much? I feel uncomfortable with it. Do I have the right to tell him not to contact her anymore? Well, I know I can ask him to do that, but is that unfair of me? We walked by her workplace the other day in the mall and he didn't stop to talk to her although she was right there! How come he can text her and stuff about such personal things but when we are out together they won't speak to each other? That's so strange to me. He told me he didn't because "she looked busy" .. which she didn't, by the way. I feel like he is too emotionally invested in another female. She also lived in his neighborhood up until a few days ago and she moved literally 2 minutes down the street. I know he loves me, but I think he still has feelings for her but doesn't even realize it. How do I handle this? It's eating at me. I don't have a problem with him being friends with females, but to me this seems more than just your regular friendship and it's one that apparently goes on only when I don't know about it.
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female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (4 March 2012):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the question I suppose I should add more details. I didn't want to make my question too long, but without them it doesn't seem as puzzling. Yes, I guess you could say they were friends with benefits. She still has feelings for him which he now admits but supposedly he didn't realize it until she got mad at him when she found out that I met his family on Thanksgiving. It wasn't until he told me that she was mad at him for that that I found out she had invited him to Thanksgiving with her family. He told her no because at the time he had already told his close friend he would go to that friend's parents' house because his family lives a bit of a drive away. When I heard that that was the first time I told him that I didn't mind them being friends, but that she needed to respect me and what he and I have together and he agreed and he said he had already told her the same thing.Their "FWB" (more than that if you ask me) did not stop until I met him and he also recently told me that when he met me he had to slowly separate from her so he didn't hurt her feelings. As for telling him how I am now uncomfortable with the type of relationship they have, I did that about a month ago when I asked him how often he speaks to her and he told me about her car accident etc. I said it's weird to me and I don't know what to think about it. He said well what do you want me to do? what will make you feel better about the situation? and I said I didn't want to tell him to stop talking to her because I felt like that would be too controlling of me and that I didn't know how to handle the situation, honestly. He assured me he has no feelings for her and he knows that a relationship between them would never work out. We will be moving in together in June and he gave me the example that they could never live together because they'd do nothing but fight. The thing is though that it seems every time I've heard about them speaking recently they're still arguing about something (her wanting to move to california, not telling him about the car accident and all that) which is so weird to me. It's not like hey! we're broken up now and ever since our friendship has strengthened! It's more like the same thing just not as often and they aren't having sex anymore. With that information do you still think I shouldn't worry? She has obvious feelings for him. It also seems like at this point it is more him going out of his way to contact her. Like how she didn't tell him about the car accident and today he said my ex is actually moving today.. i saw it on facebook because she barely ever talks to me anymore. I just want to say yeah because she isn't over you and can't get over you if you keep showing so much concern for her! Ugh, I'm just at a loss. I feel like he is putting too much emotional energy toward another female and I can't stand it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): You can't stop them being friends, he's allowed to have other girl friends, I'm sure if you had a good friend who's an ex and your boyfriend didn't want you to talk to him you'd be devestated.
Just talk to him, ask if feelings are still there and if they are, have a long hard think of what to do
Maybe he's actually not seeing her in person for you? Incase you feel awkward with it or if he thinks he could like her again when he sees her,
Honestly I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, doesn't mean you can't still worry, it's a normal thing for girls to worry when their boyfriend has contact with an ex partner even if it's something like a sex buddy
Just try not let it ruin your relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): It sounds as if they might have had a FWB thing after their relationship ended. Do you know how long they remained intimate for? That could have some bearing on his behaviour if there was a FWB and it only ended shortly before he started dating you. If so, he might not be as `over` her as you think. You can ask him not to contact her any more but it is his decision at the end of the day. It sounds as if he still has some feelings for her, judging by his `frustration` that she didnt inform him of a minor accident and his concerns about her moving away. I would explain that you feel slightly uncomfortable with his level of interest in her and see what he has to say about it. Passing her by without saying Hi is odd.
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