A
female
age
51-59,
*liceroars
writes:I am in love with a man I have been living with for 2 years. We have been dating for 5 years before that. He is amazing, we never argue or fight, he is kind, loving , sexy and all the things I dreamed of. The only thing that he is not is the marrying type... He says he feels pressured and that it is the boys who do the asking. Today when I asked him if he felt any diffrently and he said, maby one day we could but he has no idea when. He also said he loves me, and isnt saying he wont ask, just that he wants to do it when ever he is ready. If he isnt willing to commit like this , I dont think I can hold in how hurt I am and just carry on as I can feel alot of anger boiling up, yet how could i possibly leave this amazing man I love. Would love to hear your thoughts. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Aliceroars +, writes (5 June 2009):
Aliceroars is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, What great advice. Mega thanks Manya, and fellow writers. I am hearing in all the feedback that the part I have given away in this matter is my own sense of choice to either be happy with this amazing love who makes my heart sing (knowing that he may never well ask) or the other choice which is ... to leave him and that way not marry him and not be with him. Since I do not want to marry ANYONE (Only him) and when I think about how much I love being with him, the latter is not feeling like an option I want to take so am going to take a deep breath and really try to 'quash' those thoughts for now and focus on the fact that we have a really special relationship and actually I am really happy with him so perhaps i am caving in to too much 'Age/cultural/thats the done thing type of pressure. Thanks again. Will keep you posted how i get on!
A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (5 June 2009):
This is a dilemna. I learned from a book, entitled something like "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others"
(I forget the author, but it's in book stores), two things: FIRST, the women men are most likely to marry really WANT to be married. Advice: search yourself: you SAY you wish to be married to this man, but do you really? Are you subtley sending the opposite message? SECOND, after a certain age (around where you are), the woman usually is a vital force in initiating the marriage. Some men need to be hit over the head, practically! Of course, this may not work with your guy, so don't take me literally! BUT if you are boiling over, maybe you SHOULD get mad about it OR just stay away, make yourself a little scarce, make yourself as pretty as you are, flirt with a few other men. Then he will think, hey what's happening? Then you say, well... perhaps if I had a ring on my finger... Anyway, these are just some thoughts, but hey it might work!!
I wish you all the luck in the world,
Manya
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 June 2009):
Well it's a tough one. You've been with him a fair old while so he should really have some idea about whether he wants to spend his life with you or not.
This has to be your choice. How important is marriage to you? You don't say there are any kids involved, and (no offence) but if you are 36 to 40 then it's less and less likely they will be making an appearance so I'll assume they are not part of the equation.
If you want to be married then tell him you love him but if he doesn't know by now, then chances are he never will and that you have to go and find someone willing to give you what you want in life.
There is plenty of time left to find someone who will fall for you and want to marry you. You are still young. If you do it now then you could still get married and have a family if that is what you want.
My advice is that if you want marriage, leave this man.
You never know... he may suddenly realise what he's risking losing and appear at your front door in a few weeks with a big diamond. Don't bank on it though!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): I am in a similar position and have been with my chap for years. I have turned into a whining wheedling person because I want to get married so much and whatever I try he always says things are great between us so why change things. Having spent years on this subject I honestly don't think there is anything that you can do, you cannot force someone into doing something. Sadly and ridiculously I have tried threats, almost blackmail and a variety of truly desperate measures. I upset myself by buying bridal mags and looking at dresses and for me I know its not going to happen. I have reached such anger at the thought of being good enough to live with but not good enough to marry that I am in the process of ending the relationship and moving on.I don't really think that after 5 years he is going to change his views and if marriage means a lot to you you are going to have to find someone else. Alternatively if you really love him and can quosh these thoughts accept it how it is and just enjoy what you have. I hope he does ask and that he asks you soon.
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