A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'll keep this short as I can. I'm married to a woman for 26 years. She walked out 4 years ago. She had been cheating for years before I found out. I tried to fix my end, doing anything and everything to get our marriage back, nothing helped. I told her I wanted a divorce last year after we settled some financial obligations, she said she didn't want a divorce, that I would be the only husband she will ever have. I said I wanted to move on with my life. She said you have, you have a nice girlfriend, I have nobody. I let it all go until this week. During the last year we lived together with our 2 high school kids, I started having sexual relationship with a woman friend who was also in a bad marriage, we stopped after a year and dozens of secret encounters. It was the only cheating I ever did while my wife had done plenty of her so called friends for many years. When she left me, I refused to speak to her unless I had to. I was angry, but I was guilty of not meeting her sexual and emotional needs. Since she's been gone, I had little problem finding women for sex. I dated many and I learned a whole lot about women in general. I've kept my independence and I've done well financially without her and her constant over spending. We seldom if ever talked, it was anger and hate for each other. Now during the past year we've become friends who help each other. She was looking for the man that was going to take care of her for the rest of her life. In the past 4 years she hasn't found him and said she doubts she ever will. She then turned her aggression on me blaming me for our failed marriage. I said yes, I know I made many bad mistakes and I'm very sorry for that and told her I loved her regardless. She said she loved me too. Then she started asking me if I thought about getting our marriage back together. I said I'd like to, but you need to think about it and what you want. We had a great marriage for 15 years. After our kids were born obligations caused long hours of work. When the kids started school she took a job that later turned into working midnights leading her to get away with doing anything or anyone she wanted. Lies and cheating were easy working midnights 35 miles from home. I can put it all behind me,I failed as her husband neglecting her needs, I cheated too and have had many women since she left me. I've had marriage counselling, something she refused to do. I did learn quite a bit trying to help free myself of the mental abuse she put on me. She knows that I've had a few girlfriends and knows I've had sex with them. I've learned a lot about marriage, emotional and sexual needs, companionship and love. I miss having her and want her back. I don't know if our past will haunt us. I don't know if she would continue to cheat, she is very self rightous even selfish at times. I need to know if she will be committed to rebuilding trust, like no more cheating. I'd like to say I know enough about emotional and sexual needs, but everyone is different. I want us back together and it's even more complicated being she now lives 600 miles away, but I'm willing to move. I did help her move and set up. I'm giving her the time to think about it. How long do you think I should wait for an answer? I want to move on and preferably with her, but I'm not ruling out no as the answer, I'm not going to leave my heart out for her to destroy again. How do I know if she's serious? How long would you wait for an answer? Should I ask her if she doesen't answer me soon? Should I just move on with my own life and forget about rebuilding our marriage? I realize just because she put it in my head, she still may not want to bother trying. I'm not expecting to jump right into the frying pan if she said yes right now. I would keep her emotionally closer, I will continue to be there for her, and I would eventually move there if we can get it together. My brain is frying over this. She was always the love of my life, from the day I met her to the day she destroyed me. My counseller reminded me people hurt those most who they are closest to during 1 of my sessions.
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female
reader, screennametaken  +, writes (22 March 2013):
sigh... where to begin... i'll keep it super-short. women NEVER cheat on men they love fully. that's the long and the short of it. men can cheat and still be completely in love with the woman they are cheating on. women CANNOT. it's how our brains are wired.
ergo. pack your bags. move out. find someone else. yesterday.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Let met get this straight: She cheated on you for 4 years, she spent you into financial trouble while she was with you, she refused to try to fix the marriage when you tried, but after all this she still refused to grant you a separation/divorce.
And after all this happened, and you finally gave up and moved on with your life, started looking for other women . . . and now this is being called your "cheating?" WTF?!?
The only thing I hear you doing "wrong" is finding more happiness with other people than she has. What the hell other choices do you have? She broke your marriage and disrespected it for years, she refused to try to fix things when you tried, and she also refused to formally separate from you. What were you going to do? Go on supporting her & remaining faithful to her while she blatantly slept around?!?
Don't accept responsibility for cheating. Her refusal to grant you a divorce/separation and all this talk about "I won't have any other husband" sounds totally selfish to me. She has just been saying that because she wants to keep a faithful & hard-earning husband at home while she also has her flings on the side. Don't confuse that with her wanting to respect you and do right by you. It isn't the same thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): If you are still legally married, I think you should get divorced officially. This woman and you have done so much damage to the central core of trust in this marriage that reparations seem completely abusurd. Don't stay legally married one day longer. The longer you do, the more likely you are to resume the exact same relationship you had before and throw what's left of your life away in pain. You don't want that do you? Now, if you are divorced already, slightly different. First of all, do NOT get remarried to her. You and her have so much toxic horrible baggage together as husband and wife that it is going to hurt even more than the first time around because you KNEW what you were committing to the second time. At least the first time, you can claim ignorance. If you want to be involved in her life for some reason, want to travel to see her, want to be in some kind of relationship (GOD knows why, but it's your life) then have at it. But if you have done well financially, and she is clearly struggling to find someone to take care of her, you are going to walk right into a buzz saw!!!!My advice? If not already divorced, get divorced. Find a good individual therapist and work on why you feel compelled to be with such an abusive woman. But DON'T be in any marriage to her, either the old one or a new one. You may as well kiss you $$$ goodbye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Let me tell you something. Man you have been screwed over by her for how many years? Sure the counsellors took her side what else would they say after she said she still loved you. Don't be her fool any longer. Hey she is getting older and she now realizes that after all her years of messing around she has been around the block too often and nobody wants anything to do with her. You on the other hand can start a new life. Pack your bags and move out.
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A
female
reader, sherrig +, writes (17 March 2013):
Ask her if she is willing to pray with you each evening before bed, the Family that prays together, stays together. Also ask her and yourself if you are willing to spend every day making the other Happy. Also agree, that neither will do anything to the other that they wouldn't like done to them. If all this is agreeable, I believe you can make it Forever. God Bless
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