A
male
age
41-50,
*BB1
writes:Hi, been looking for some help and advice as I feel very much on my own at the moment and feel that nobody else is in the same boat as myself. Looking at the site however, I feel that there are people who are experiencing the pain I am going through at the moment and can empathize with the situation i find myself in.I am a man in my mid 30's, married to a woman I have known for over 15 years and have 3 beautiful children by her. Our relationship has always been good, sure, we have had our fair share of quarrels, but nothing ever serious. Recently, however, the relationship has become rocky and I found that, whereas I used to get upset and do my best to make up (whether it was my fault or not) I no longer felt I couldn't make the effort.A few months ago, a girl who I had a relationship with at school contacted me via facebook and we spent a lot of time talking on MSN. I hadn't spoken to her for nearly 18 years and I was amazed at how instantly we clicked. It transpired that she had left me and gotten involved with some very violent men, had 5 children and was now living 300 miles from where we grew up. The abuse she suffered was so extensive that she had suffered injuries that had nearly paralyzed her. I felt extremely sorry for her and guilty that i had not been there for her. We had been in a relationship for almost 3 years through school and even though it was her that broke it off, I wished in my heart that she didn't have to go through it.As our conversations progressed, she let it slip that she had never really got over me, and that all the men in her life she had compared to me and that. Im the only person she's ever really loved. The upshot being that I ended up having an affair with her. I know that this is morally wrong, and that Im risking a lot, but it just seemed to happen and seemed so right. We clicked exactly the way we did when we were kids. In the past I have been very judgmental of friends who have been in similar relationships. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be in a similar position.I have made the mistake of letting myself fall back in love with her, She was in debt and I gave her £300 to help get her back on her feet, things have turned decidedly cold to the extent where she has now said that she wants to take a back seat and let me sort things out with my wife. She says that she is still there for me and that we will speak every day but my phone calls are not being returned and she never seems to be online.Half of me feels glad that ive got the opportunity to try and work things out at home, but I'm hurting really badly inside as badly as when we first split, i dont want to think that ive been taken for a ride but part of me feels that way.On top I now hate myself as I feel that I am a really bad person to have let my personal life get out of control and feelings get out of control like i have. I am a bad person for gambling with the feelings of 3 children and a wife who, for the best part, has been loving and devoted.This is something I have to work through myself but im feeling lost and depressed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 How to get over a break up:
The pain will stick around for awhile. But one day you'll start to feel it less, and it will slip a little farther back in your mind. The next day, even more so and etc. Time is really the only thing that heals a broken heart. Until then, the best you can do is distract yourself with new things and socializing. Get out there and even if you feel like you just want to sit at home, eating beef jerky and moping, doesn't matter - get the heck out of your house. Do things! Fill up your time.
The pain will go away. It may be gradual, but it will go away. Try not to focus on her, try to push her out of your mind. I'm not saying you need to magically stop thinking about her, but if she comes to mind, you need to make a decision to say to yourself, "uh-uh. Get out of my mind, I'm going to a movie."
Good luck, my dear!
A
male
reader, DBB1 +, writes (14 November 2008):
DBB1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill feeling the pain - when will it go
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Thanks for the support
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 October 2008):
Hello there,
I do think you've been taken for a little bit of a ride, but it could be that your ex girlfriend is feeling guilty for screwing with your life, which she should be because she did. I'm glad that you realize what you've done here, because your wife will be devastated - not to mention the children.
The best thing to do for you right now is to absolutely get that ex girlfriend out of your life. Your family is your priority and you should be working on rebuilding that. Leave your past (including past women and feelings) in the past where they belong and work on the future - your future relationship with your wife and kids.
It seems you were swept up by the memories and rekindling your youthful spark with your ex. I think you fell in love with the memories of you two when you were younger and blinded with lust and the freedom of youth. Not to mention, she had a sob story that got you feeling for her in a deeper, caring way.
Well, let that go. You need to come clean to your wife with the honesty of a man who genuinely wants to fix things and make them right. Counseling, I think, will really work for you. Whether you do it with you and your wife or just you, I think it'll do you some good.
You're not a "bad person", but you did make a bad mistake and it'll take work to get your life back on track. I hope everything falls into place and that your wife knows your sincerity and forgives you.
Good luck, my sweet!
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