A
female
age
36-40,
*ez7
writes:Hi there!I know everyone has a bad year now and again, and i guess this is mine, i suppose my main question is how do you deal with things all in one go?a close family member of mine had been fighting cancer for 6 years passed away a few days ago, and although im glad shes not in pain anymore, i dont really know how i am? ive never experienced a death before.Also the love of my life asked me to leave last month to sort through his mind, and although we still consider ourselves as a couple and love each other very much, he for a long time had been abusive (not physically). and i think i became that way too at some point because of his behaviour?We had been trying to work through it for months but i know it has basically ended and im heartbroken.Besides this everything else has gone badly as well. I dont really know what im asking, this whole year has been awful. How do i learn to feel better again, and pick myself up?sorry its long
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Hi. I know exactly how you are feeling. I broke up with a guy I was with for 3.5 years at Christmas time. Although I know now it was the right thing for us both, it still affected me more than I expected, because it was the first really serious relationship I had been in. I was head over heels for him and until recently I still wanted to believe it could work. I was very attached and it took all this time to get to a point of acceptance, and the relationship had been struggling for a long time before the break up as well.
So after that all happened, my Grandma got very ill over the last 3 months and passed away last week. It was a shock, although, like you, I am glad she in no longer suffering, and proud she had a good, long life. But the death of a loved one really does affect you in ways you don't expect. Especially if you've never lost anyone close to you before. I think it makes you face up to your own mortality. When you are young you do think you are invincible. But when someone you love dies, it makes you realize, oh, we do die, and I am going to die. It's scary. I think in a way it makes you grow up very quickly. I think that's what you might be going through. I think maybe the best way forwards is 1) to talk to your friends and family. Get support. Even if people find it hard to talk about death, even just hanging out with people and having normal, non-death realted conversations helps, I find. 2) Make plans. 3) Don't rush yourself. If you need time to come to terms with these big changes in your life, that's perfectly ok. Don't feel that you HAVE to feel or do anything at any particular point in time. Live your life according to what feels right and important to you.
I hope this helps. I just want to say you are not alone. These bad years do happen. I am in one myself. I think I was owed one as I had such a great year, last year :p Life is odd like that. Well, like I said, I split with my ex-bf, my Gran passed, and now I've found out my other Gran has cancer, and the only really good thing to happen to me - I met a really nice bloke and have started dating, was marred by the fact I've caught a contagious bug from my job and now I'm going to have to tell him, 1) I can't see him until it's cleared up, and 2) there's a chance he could have also caught it. *sigh* there is a saying that it never rains, but it pours. That is so true in life. Sometimes everything goes to pot all at once. All I can say is, make the most of the good times when you have them and get to know the people you love and spend time with them, so they know you love them. You will feel better again. But it will take time. Don't feel bad about not feeling instantly better. Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 July 2012):
Don’t apologise for a long answer, if there’s a lot to tell we need to hear it. As the death of your family member is so recent, you are bound to feel upset. You’re probably going to experience all kinds of emotions as you go through the process of grieving, and you need to take time out to allow yourself to go through that process. Grief is a term we normally use to describe the process of coming to terms with a death, but at its heart grief is our emotional reactions to loss. So you are dealing with a lot of unsettling changes in your life and the loss of 2 important things in your life: your relative and your relationship. There’s no quick fix to feeling better, and as everyone deals with things differently it’s impossible to precisely say when you’ll come to terms with what’s happened, but in the meantime all you can do is not bottle up your feelings and let people around you in on how you’re feeling so that they can support you. Don’t be afraid to consider counselling as a possibility if you think that you would benefit from a listening ear and some-one to help you work out what you’re feeling and how you might deal with it. You should also try to focus on what areas are going well in your life at the moment. For example, are there work-related goals you could set yourself? Are there friends you haven’t caught up with for a while that you could spend some time with? Think about whether there are things that you’ve wanted to do but haven’t so far and try to set some action plans in motion to help you keep your focus on the future. It’s important both to come to terms with what’s happened and be proactive about steps to make yourself feel better and get you focussing on the future. That advice might sound vague or obvious, but trying to take some control of your life and over the grieving process is the way to start feeling less overwhelmed by it.
I wish you all the very best.
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