A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love spending time with and want to spend the rest of my life with, but for the past six months my interest in sex has completely subsided. He is physically attractive, tall, lean, adorable face, and this hasn't changed at all. I never want to have sex until I am actually having it. Sometimes when I do it sort of stings and I know there is nothing physically wrong with me down there so I'm not sure what it is. I am just freaked out because I don't want this to be the rest of my life. Before I met him I had a lot of casual sex; is it possible that I am only interested in the thrill of sex? I just want to make him happy at least as well as improve my enjoyment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I am not sure how to indicate that I am the original poster, but these are all very helpful tips. I lead a fairly stressful life (work an active job ten hours a day, work out every day) so I am exhausted at night. The birth control issue makes sense as well. We tried something new the other night and it definitely helped!
A
female
reader, jxp2008 +, writes (21 October 2010):
Every girl goes through this!!!
It doesn't matter how good in bed your man is or how much you love him or even if he is a hunk. Women go through ruts!
First lets discuss things that could be affecting you.
Stress in your life plays a key role. I know for me, if I am stressed out I cannot concentrate on anything including sex. Unfortunately for some guys, they relax and calm their nerves through physical touch including intercourse. That is how they destress. We on the other hand are big worriers and we get panicked and crazy and moody. I don't know what is going on in your life and it's not anyones business but it could be affecting your libido. Also if you have been working a lot and are just dead tired there is no way you can feel up to the physical challenge and who can blame you. Another issue and it may seem crazy, is your birth control. I switched from IUD to the pill. The hormones in the pill have kind of killed my libido. Not to mention at least one week out of the month my body parts(you know which ones) are so darn sensitive, they hurt when touched and that can be a big turn off and hurt you enough in the lower portion to scare you out of the next encounter. That could be all the things that could be affecting you and there are others that would take too long to list here. I am not an expert but I am telling you this from my personal experience. Next I am going to move on to what your man could be doing wrong and then how I have fixed my situation and hopefully it will help you.
Sometimes when a guy gets comforatble in a relationship he can slack off a little bit. I had to tell my boyfriend that he needed to warm me up a little bit. You come home tired from work, then have to make dinner, then clean up and then he wants you to jump on the saddle. Not without some motivation. In the beginning of a realationship guys are so lovey dovey and kiss you softly, run their fingers through you hair, caress you and basically set you on fire. Over time they slack a little. This is where your guy could be going wrong. They are oblivious to it so forgive him if this is the case.
Us women want to be loved, adored and desired. Very simple.
Maybe you should motivate him a little during the day before you guys get home to each other. Try texting or emailing him some love notes at first. Get that romance going. He may write your something sweet and give you that feeling of desire. After a week or so of this try to spice it up. Send something sexy and watch him respond with what he wants to do to you. Just step out of the box. Get yourself turned on, motivated and feeling that desire for him again.
My botfriend and I text each other lovey dovey stuff everyday and if we had some awesome sex the night before we text about it and how and what we are going to do to each other the next night. It makes me so damn excited to get home to him. Little stuff like that can go along way.
Like I said I am not an expert but it really helps to try new things and step out of the box. You have to keep the flame going. On another note I read that exercise is really good for the libido. It circulates the blood to those special areas and help increase a womans orgasm. so maybe you could work out together at the gym and go home and do some special exercises together. ;) hope it works our for you and don't feel bad. you are not alone. a lot of us go through this but if your love him do what you can to get the spark back!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This can be a problem for many reasons. Get a medical checkup first.Unfortunately, many people who have had a lot of casual and disconnected sex find that maintaining a relationship is very hard for them. You will find that people will deny this, particularly those who have had a lot of casual sex, but find out how many of them have been married for 20 years to the same person and don't have a history of divorce or infidelity or both.It isn't the sex that causes this, it is just that there is a reason for casual and disconnected sex, and it isn't something that maintains relationships, and it often relates to the way things were in the "family of origin" (not just the nuclear family but the extended family).Long term relationships take WORK and working on one that you love, like working in a job that you love, is rewarding on a level that casual relationships are not.Because of this problem, you may be at greater risk for affairs and other relationship problems. Read about them, how they happen, and why they happen, as well as relationships in general with marriages, and you will learn a lot that can help you.
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A
male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 My Ex jumped from different birth control all the time...Unfortunately the one she chose to get stuck on changed her sex drive Completely up onto the point where I was like WTF?The Passion flew out the window and arguments about it started up and none could understand why the relationship was weird and just not the same.The Relationship didnt just consist of good sex but the passionate love and appreciated feeling that comes with it is needed no doubt and guess what...We split up because of such a stupid thing.So make sure you dont miss this!Get books and Rekindling the Flame,You dont have anything to lose so why not?
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Oops, let me also add that if you're looking for a thrill, explore some ideas with your fiance. You can simply talk to him about doing something different...for example, games :p you guys can go to a bar or club seperatly and pretend to be strangers and flirt. Check into a hotel room and etc etc... Ask him about some fantasies he has, and tell him about some you have. Don't be scared :)
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (20 October 2010):
Hm...I can't begin to guess what's going on but, are you taking medications? Started new birth control? Has your level of stress changed? Think you might be pregnant? All these things can contribute to a low sex drive. However, there can also be a biological reason. Or even a psychological reason as you stated like only enjoying sex for the "thrill." See a gynecologist about this to ensure that nothing's physically wrong. If everything's ok, try talking to a counselor to sort out your feelings. Hopefully, this is a just a passing phase. xx
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