| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I know this is long, but it's hard to sum up, cause there's a lot to consider. It goes quite fast though, I assure you that. I just ask that you please read it because the advice will be muchly appreciated in return: So on basics, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year. We’ve been through a lot and I’ve said how my mom and dad almost got divorced due to my dad looking at porn and her finding it. I was a lot younger at that time so I didn’t know the big deal of it. Now I’m older and I’ve been in this relationship through thick and thin. At first he’s said that he had stopped jacking off and said, “I get enough sexual energy from being around you, that I don’t feel the urge to anymore.” and about a month later I started seeing porn sites and even a few incomplete videos downloaded. I was a little embarrassed to just ask, so I just kept to myself and said that he’d tell me eventually. Time went on and nothing was said. Suddenly it hit me why my mom found it to be a problem. Not just the fact that it’s looking at other women (woman) in sexual ways, touching himself, getting aroused by it and even getting off to it, but it’s the fact that it was a little after the point where he started to become Mr. protective/jealous. I basically had to stop talking to my guy friends. He didn’t understand that it was just friendships and no more and never would be. So I stopped talking to them and yet he still accused me of cheating when (not joking) I spend everyday with him and if I wasn’t with him I was talking to him on the phone. Not sure how I’d have the time. Not to mention of all the times I’ve said I’m not that low to do something so heartless to him. At this point after seeing the kind of porn he was looking at his “fantasies” started to come into play. Funny though, because his fantasies seemed to be what kind of porn he was looking at. Anyway... nothing was said, finally I got the guts:Me: “so, I was going to check my email and the url bar came down and I saw a bunch of porn sites” (which was true.)Him: “yeah so?”Me: “I thought we’ve talked about that before and you know where I stand on it and I thought I knew where you stood on it too.”Him: “no, I wasn’t looking at them though, they were just pop ups.” After asking around there’s no way pop ups would have got into his files and such, not to mention he had his pop up blocker on. so then I felt a bit upset that it was leaning towards lying to me about it because he knows I don’t approve of it. I don’t know how many times we’ve talked about it and all the sudden the whole, “I get enough sexual energy from you” was thrown away and he jacks off about 4-5 times a month for all I can tell. Last time we talked about porn out of curiosity:Me: “I’ll just go masturbate tonight then.”Him: “eww, that’s fucking gross.”Me: (laughing a bit) “oh really? How do you think I feel when you do it.”Him: “it’s different for guys though. Porn was made for us, not girls.”Me: “well guys look at vaginas, girls look at dicks (usually)... and where would porn be if it wasn’t for girls?”Him: “yeah, slutty girls were made to do porn, but porn is just sick for girls to look at. Porn isn’t associated with girls to look at.” Quite frankly that talk pissed me off even more. He got so offensive when I said I was going to do it and was even joking about it and he knew it. Here’s the other thing (quite possibly a whole different problem), he stays up all night gaming cause he’s one of those professional gamers in tournaments winning money. So to me, if he went to bed at a normal time and got up at a normal time I don’t think he would jack off or at least as much. I mean, what am I supposed to think if he stays up until 8am majority of the time if not 10am. We get off the phone around 1-2am and I’m sure it’s not all gaming the entire time afterwards and hence, he gets bored and what better to do then jack off when your girlfriend is fast asleep!! Places I’ve read have just all put the entire blame on women, but I think my story is a bit different considering what’s all involved and how he acts and also, it’s not like I deny him in sexual things. In fact, sometimes I’m in the mood and he’ll just say stuff like, “I don’t want to do it, but you can go down on me” or simply get up and walk to his computer and say he “wasn’t in the mood”, only to find about five hours later in the middle of the morning he jacks off. It seems that’s all it’s been lately, the whole “go down on me and we’ll do it later or tomorrow” and once that time comes it’s the whole, “I don’t want to.” I don’t know if there’s something specific I should be saying or doing to get him to stop or to get him to realize how it really makes me feel. I mean I feel deceived considering all the limits I have and he can’t even stop that? I can’t even simply talk to an old friend without him getting mad, but he can go get off to other girls and I’m not allowed to get mad because, “all guys look at porn.” It’s not a good feeling when you’re getting the whole, “he’s willing to get in a fight with his girlfriend (a.k.a. real life, the person who does everything for him) over internet girls/porn/fantasies.”am I missing something here? - any suggestions ... advice ... ?
View related questions:
divorce, in the mood, money, porn, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 March 2006):
 Lose this guy, he ahs some strange views......
A
male
reader, GLforever +, writes (24 February 2006):
 You are being too nice. I don't see any problem with porn used in moderation, but your BF gives all men a bad name.Him: "yeah, slutty girls were made to do porn, but porn is just sick for girls to look at. Porn isn’t associated with girls to look at"What a hypocrite! I also find it very odd that someone so into porn would find the thought of you masturbating to be "gross".As far as I am concerned, he is controlling, and shows a general lack of respect for women. You seem like an intelligent person, and my advice is to seriously consider if he is worthy of being your BF.
...............................
A
female
reader, naa50123 +, writes (24 February 2006):
Honey, dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): Its real simple sweetie, tell him what I tell my man...
If he chooses to look at other women naked then he sure as hell isnt looking at me naked. I have more respect for myself than to let him have both. If he doesnt have enough respect for me not to look at other naked women thats his problem...If he goes olooking for sex elsewhere, then I say good riddance to bad rubbish...who wants that???Stick by it...respect yourself his choice you or porn...You cant control his actions but you can sure control your own...It is perfectly OK for you to save your sexuality for a man who respects you enough to enjoy looking at your body exclusively...dont listen to his macho, sexist bs
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): This is so weird. I've never seen so much worry and talk about porn anywhere. I honestly had no idea women got so worked up about this. As a woman, here's what I think:Your guy is a liar and a loser. He has no right to tell you who you may and may not speak with. He has no right to accuse you of cheating with no provocation. It's a form of manipulation and can lead to emotionally abusive behavior. Furthermore, he speaks to you with absolutely no respect. You need to walk away from this with your head high. You will find someone else who is much better adjusted and who will be willing to treat you with kindness and respect.Porn is made for men and women. The notion that only men are turned on by porn is a myth. People use porn to get instant gratification, a quick release. I think it's natural for anyone to get off on porn from time to time. But it's like any vice, you need to control it. If I were you, I wouldn't be worried about the porn as much as the chat sites where he can sign in and have online sex with pretty much any stranger out there. I know, the guys are going to get mad about this. For me, this is where the line is. Porn isn't cheating, but telephone or online chatting to have sex is. One is fantasy on paper or screen and masturbation. The other is intercourse with another human being. Lastly, try to get over the drama. You seem to be enjoying the righteous indignation you get from the outrage you feel at his behavior. It would be much healthier if you would just relax, be confident in yourself and what you will and won't put up with. Make a decision, and don't look to others for approval. You'd be surprised at how many people go for the jugular the instant you show vulnerability. And that just creates a vicious circle of you looking for approval from someone. This is your life. You can't live by anyone else's rules.If you still need someone to tell you what to do: You deserve to be treated well. Having him dismiss you and control you is wrong. That should be reason enough to get out of that relationship.
...............................
|
