A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that the affair my wife had about 30 years ago had been going on for almost 3 years... I was shocked. Back then after her affair was discovered, and came to an end, I never thought that it had lasted THAT long. My question is what would cause a married woman to see a single man for that long? What are the dynamics of that sort of relationship? Near the end of her affair I was told that she, was actually CALLING HIM by phone, and even driving down his street in her car, stalking him, to see if the lights were on in his apartment....This was supposedly after things had cooled off between them since he was single. I was told he also had single girlfriends in this three year period. What do you think? BTW- We are still married, happily.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (15 January 2016):
You want to know WHY it happened? It happened because she found this other guy more sexually attractive than you. It continued for the same reason. She hit the evolutionary jackpot - had a fool to support her and provide her with resources, and still was able to have sex with what she perceived as a more suitable sexual partner. I have a spoiler for you, if you think this was the only time she's done it, you're a fool. Why you stayed with her in the first place is beyond me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): They connected, unfortunately not in the right time... One was not available.
Also, later they made choices and chose to end it after 3 years because you can't keep repeating a cycle where you are trapped and can't change the outcome. It's insanity: repeating the same thing expecting different results!
I bet you now after all these years she is glad that is in the past and has her true soulmate, her husband, as you say: happily married.
So forget the past, you forgave her or you would not have been together 30 years, those 3 years were insanity and are over.
Focus on your happy marriage, and not why she had an affair for 3 years instead of days, weeks or months- it doesn't change the fact she cheated on you, she was not available even though he may have been. Bad choices, hopefully she learnt her lesson and has spent the 30 years making it up to you :)
Be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): I believe for her affair to keep going for 3 years she must have thought she was in love with him. Of course she would never admit to that. On her AP's end, I don't think he loved her because he had several other girlfriends he fooled around with and was not faithful to her. But then again, was she faithful to him having a husband? She certainly wasn't faithful to either of you if she was having sex with both. But either way she was not emotionally faithful to either of you.
But I feel she was missing something in your marriage to
succumb to the attention of another man. He met her needs. Whatever she was missing with you. And it made her feel alive again. Like a woman. In case you did not know, being in an affair is addictive and once you are steadily involved in an affair, your AP becomes an addiction for you. The longer you are in it, the more you need your fix of this person. And even the thought of losing that person causes you great stress, worry and anxiety. It is like a drug addict who is always thinking about the next time they will shoot up. If you take that drug away from them, they will literally fall apart and go into withdrawal. And there is no worse place to be. They know they cannot handle that kind of trauma so they keep pursuing their AP and that high or form of magic that only that person can give them. Like you've been riding high on top of this cloud happily and without worries and you do everything you can to keep floating; to stay there and fear the possibility of crashing back down to earth. You ignore all reality to keep up the affair. Even if it's to the detriment of your own life. Usually your real life starts to collapse trying to keep the affair together. You lose sight of all else.
I can see by her behaviour that she was fixated by him and drive by his house to see what he was doing in an effort to maintain control. To make sure he was in line and not doing anything that would jeopardize what they had. She was afraid. Anxious. She did not want to lose him so her way of maintaining a semblance of control was watching his behaviour. Likely if he was not behaving, she would try to manipulste him into behaving so that they could stay together. There is a lot of delusion and self deceit involved to stay in a long term affair. It is one of the hardest things to do. Often either partner thinks they are in love. One won't leave their spouse and things become messy. At this point many emotionally fragile mistresses make the affair public to get back at their married AP.
So if you wonder why it lasted so long here is why. Sorry for the brutal truth. But the sex was amazing. Sex in affairs are taboo and driven by all kinds of emotions. It is tulultuous and the sex is too. Especially for women. The taboo of secrecy adds fuel to the fire. It's their secret. There is a certain euphoria and ecstacy involved. Because it is not a real relationship, they don't get bored of each other. The honeymoon phase is prolonged and goes on indefinitely. AP get to see each other's best side and spend quality time together without mundane concerns of who takes out the garbage, who is arranging babysitting for the kids, what should we cook for dinner etc. It is a fantasy relationship. If that fantasy saw the light of day, it likely would not last. Eventuslly they too would get bored of each other.
Marriage in comparison is dull, boring and routine. And often partners let life get in the way of their relationship and forget how to have FUN together. Affairs ARE FUN. And they are addictive. That is why many can and will continue for years if they are not discovered.
I wonder how you could stay happily married with a woman who betrayed your trust like that? No trust ussues at all? I suspect you are here asking this question because you don't trust her. How could you when you know what she is capable of? I would always be worried and live in fear of somebody else eventually coming along who will light a fire underneath her... Not a good place to be.
Do you know for a fact your wife has had no contact with him all these years? And why ask NOW about an affair that hsppened 30 years ago?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 God knows.
Adults do weird things.
I was told as a child that I had to behave and be better and would understand why when I grew up. Yet I myself and every other adult I have ever met have all behave like silly children.
Some times we just do stupid thongs and get obsessed over people.
I really don't know why she did it. She needed something and he gave it to her. Was it sex? Maybe? Compliments? Could be. Deep converstaion in which she could really express herself? possibly.
If your looking for an answer so you can give that to her. Then your going to get your answer from her. Not from us.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2016):
 Lust? feeling neglected at home? availability? attention?
Which usually some of the reasons given for cheating. Whether he is single or not.. I think is less important. But a single guy would be more available than a married one.
And if he had other GF's... he wasn't really single then, was he?
But only your wife can really answer this question.
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