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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I don't like feeling so torn, and I tried to mentally prepare for this to not happen, but it happened.My ex was in a bad place in his life when we met. He tried to make it seem like he was not, but it soon became obvious to me that he had not reached his 'good' point in life yet. He was, before we met, a hardcore drug addict who had gotten sober a few times, but who had always slipped up within the course of half year or less. He was still slipping up and using drugs and alcohol less hardcore in nature than his true drug love while we were together, but they're still substances nonetheless. It took me a couple of months to truly understand how deep his problem was. Soon into our relationship, it occurred to me that we would not be together for a long time, and that he had probably 5 years to go before he would be a more grounded and happy person if he ever realized his desire of living a sober life. He is also younger than me by almost 4 years, so way more wild than I am in the terms of still having to roam and accumulate more experiences with more people. He is a complete sensation seeker, and probably always will be. He lives 10 lives in one year. I live one life in two years! When we met, it seemed he was on the cusp of seeking life experiences over drug experiences. He hated doing what he was doing and no longer enjoyed it, but felt compelled to continue...So, I wasn't surprised at the meltdown of our relationship, and I was somewhat happy to let it go, even though I loved him and even though I felt so good with him even when it was bad. I felt good, but I knew he couldn't feel good with me, or maybe just in general. It just seemed it had to end. How can someone truly know themselves and what they want when they're still using drugs? He always told me he wanted to stay friends if we broke up and I was weary of that, but I also never wanted to just date him and say goodbye either. Actually, when we met, I wanted to just be good friends with him, but I never seem to be able to be good friends with a guy and not have a relationship start. So to make this story shorter (it's still long, though), we went our separate ways last year, and he still called me. I was dismayed when he went into a full-blown relapse with his favorite and most dangerous drugs of choice. He was awful to talk to when that was going on. I almost didn't think he'd make it out, and I almost quit talking to him forever. He would describe to me the state of his body and the state of his life, and I had a horrid mental picture of it. He's a strong person, so he eventually found the strength to get out and get better a couple of months ago, and parts of his life that have been fragmented for a very long time (such as family relationships) are coming together for him for the first time.Unfortunately, we are friends on a social networking site (his choice). We do not live near one another. I often picture what he looks like healthy and happy and sometimes I wish I could just see him for 5 minutes in person while he is in that state of existence. Well, today, someone posted a picture of him in his current state of existence, and he did look healthy and happy. He looked great, and the moment I saw it, I started to cry. I feel regret over something I knew would end, even though I knew it would end to begin with. He is the way I had always wished he had been when we were together. I'm not being superficial, as his face is very expressive. You can see so much in it and in his eyes. He's off drugs now and just seems so determined this time to not go back. I do not want to get back with him, but I wish there was some way that I could have taken to not lose this presence in my day to day life. When he's not on drugs (he can be very negative and awful when on them), he is a light for others. Sorry for the sentimentality. I hate crying over the fact that my beloved is healthy and happy looking. It is more than one part happiness for him, but it is also a sadness over losing him because he has so much potential. I know that if he sticks with this sobriety for 5 complete years, he will be so awesome and know himself so much better. I don't know my question. Just, what do I do with all of this? It's not like we are not in contact. I do not call him often. He calls me when he feels like it. Lately, he only calls when he is complaining about something. I feel a loss and I feel like I won't ever find someone else who will measure up to him, and I don't know why I can't just be friends (with no romance ever happening) with people I adore or who make me laugh. I'm happy and relieved for him, but I feel so lonely.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): OP here.
he is changing and still getting to know himself. we met at completely different stages of our individual lives. i feel i know what makes me happy and i was way more grounded than him when we met. i feel he grasps for whatever he thinks might make him happy. sentimentality in an overly positive sense took over here when i wrote this question. we actually had some very bad experiences together, so i don't trust him enough to get back with him. it's interesting to not trust someone but to love them at the same time. i hope he stays clean, but he could slip again and i can't say i enjoy his druggier side. it's not that nice. if he stays sober forever, he will be a cool guy, but he will be cool with someone else. he liked me, maybe he loved me for a while, but he's changing like i said. he needs to find his place before he can actually know who he truly wants to share it with. oh, and relationships bring out the druggie in him when things are going too good or not good enough. i guess that's why i don't want to be with him. once something ends, it's hard to forget why it ended. thanks for actually reading my long post.
A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 It seems almost like your trying to convince yourself you don't want to be with him, when everything ive read in your post says otherwise! maybe im just reading into it wrong, but you are clearly if not in love with him, puting way to much thought and trouble into someone your supposedly not in love with, or "don't want to be with" if he's gotten sober, and really moving on with his life, why wouldnt you want to be with him? he obviously makes you happy, and I don't know any girlfreind that thinks this much about her boyfriend, why don't you just follow you gut and mind? maybe you could help him have a reason to stay clean and sober, that is depending on if you likes you in that way? does he?
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