A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Help!I'm in a long distance relationship, and have been for nearly 2 years. we've not spent much time together in person, 3 days and then 2 days, so just a few days here and there for only a few hours a day. most of the bonding has been online. I love my girlfriend and always have, but she always had doubts about me, us etc. saying we needed to spend more time together to be sure if we were right for each other. which seem totally reasonable now.I never had any doubts of my own. I arranged to see her, i will fly out in 2 months time to spend 2 weeks with her. The problem is, now i am having doubts just at the time all of her doubts have ended, she is now totally sure of us and me and i'm not anymore. I still love her but i dont know if the relationship really has a future. Maybe its just as i've been away from her for nearly a year without seeing her I feel this way and being with her again i will feel different. After this visit i will probably not be able to see her again for at least a year, maybe 2 and due to the time difference we can't talk often when she has work. eventually one of us hopes to move to the other, but i feel that i'm going to invest so much time into this before i even know if it will work for sure, it could be 3 years + before I live with her and maybe it won't work even if i did, as we've never spent that much time together in person. I do love her, i don't doubt my feelings for her, just i dont love the relationship at the moment. I've already paid for the visit, so i plan to visit her, spend the time with her, see how we are together and then decide. but i feel bad that i have these doubts before visiting. What should i do?Do you think it would be unfair of me to see her and then break up with her if i didn't feel the way I want to after the visit? Or would it be unfair to break up with her before and never give it a go?I want it to work, i just feel tired of the distance, the waiting etc and i'm not sure if i can keep this up for all the time needed with no guarantee of success. she never prioritise me and has only in the last week or so decided she is totally in love with me.I dont want your opinions on distance, i just want to know if visiting her and deciding after is acceptable and understandable or if its not fair to her.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 If you are to be 100% realistic & analytic about the situation, answer these questions.
IS it realistic for EITHER of you to begin a career/ get a job in the OTHER person's city/vicinity?
Have you checked out the job market there?
Has SHE checked out the job market where YOU are at?
Have you two discussed WHERE the move would be to? Would you BOTH move to a CENTRAL location, or is it "here or there" choice?
Are you READY to give up what you HAVE now ?(family close by, friends, sports, the city, ect )
Is she?
Can YOU support HER if she moves to you? Can SHE support you if you move to her (til you/she find a job)
Do you two AGREE on the timeline?
DO you think it's REALISTIC to say it will work out given the LITTLE amount of time you have spend together over the 2 years?
If these questions can't be answered then I think you two might "enjoy" the "fantasy" of a great relationship more then WANTING to make it work. Like SVC pointed out, the GOAL of a LDR is to NOT be a LDR.
My husband and I were in a LDR for little over a year, and we BOTH got to the point where we said enough, HOW to we make this work so we can BE together? However, WE had spend SIGNIFICANTLY more time together ( 2 week, 3 weeks, 2 week, 1 week and 3 months back and forth actually living together). Doesn't mean it was super easy to live together 24/7/365. And we DID make sacrifices. BOTH of us. I saved up and I sold my house and my car (both of witch I had JUST paid off) that gave me some capital to move and not have to live OFF him while looking for work.
If after 2 years everything is still vague and up in the air, I think maybe you BOTH need to realize that what you have isn't what you REALLY want it to be, it might FEEL nice most of the time - but let's face it's not a "real" relationship in the sense that you aren't really committed. You might be "exclusive" and NOT seeing anyone else - but what else is there in terms of commitment? Only "might be" or "in the future".
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2014):
 If you have been together for nearly two years and have spent hardly any time together and will see each other for 2 weeks then not again for a year or two... I don't see much hope for this relationship to get past the LDR stage.
since the goal of an LDR is to not be LDR... why can't one or both of you move sooner?
LDRs have one goal to not be LDR and to be together. you guys are not even going to try to work towards that goal for 4 years into the relationship... seems to me that the relationship is a time waster and a way for both of you to avoid connecting to folks in real life.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Hi
I remember your previous question along the same lines. You want it to work but it cant work. Here is the situation in black and white terms:
- You cannot see her again for at least a year, maybe two.
- You will not be living together for at least three years.
- There are doubts as to how you both really feel.
- You are tired of the distance and of waiting.
Whether you love each other is largely irrelevant as this situation is a farce. Even if you were both perfect for one another in every way, the fact remains that this relationship is giving you nothing but frustration, worry, insecurity, loneliness....plus you are the only one making the effort here.
If it takes two years for her to even know she loves you, how many more years will it take for her to know whether she loves you enough and wants you strongly enough to move to your town or city, or wants you to move to her?
Two years have passed and you have been thrown some scraps, chased her and made all the effort just to get her to finally tell you how she feels and now you have at least another three years of this!
Mark
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I think you have written about this previously and received excellent advise. Please go back and re read those answers.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-said-id-visit-my-ldr-girlfriend-but.html
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