A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early twenties and about a year ago I started a relationship with a man who is 20 years older than me. He came into my life very quickly and it was quite overwhelming and I regrettably ended up having a one night stand. Me and my boyfriend weren't together at this point but we had discussed having a relationship and I knew his feelings for me. I immediately regretted it and told him straight away and though he was hurt we decided to try and be together.The problem is however that he still struggles with it after a year together, I understand that I hurt him and I have been patient with him but I have tried so hard to gain his trust and to show him I love him. I have never done anything like the since, in fact in many way I have overly restricted myself for fear it will trigger him into thinking about it again. When he is thinking about it he is very moody and snappy, he will often make snide remarks and cutting comments and in extreme cases say that he's going to leave me but often when I confront him he will say he doesn't know what I am talking about and that he is fine. This is at least a weekly occurrence and I wake up each morning not knowing if it will happen that day and how he will be with me. I do love him very much and am always honest and kind with him but I often find myself in a situation where I have done something that I was thought was fine but upsets him and he says is selfish or insensitive of suspicious. Though I want to defend myself I feel I lose all power in the face of his argument, I feel I am doubting myself and my actions and am apologising for things I didn't originally think were wrong. I understand he has every right to feel hurt and to have time to trust again but I am finding myself becoming increasingly confused about when he is acting as he as a right to or when he is being unfair to me, the lines seemed to of been blurred. He is very secretive about his life, though he says that is just his nature, and I feel angry that I feel that I constantly have to answer for my actions but I feel unable to confront him on his.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): You know what, OP, I wouldn't have continued seeing you if we'd had the start of something and you slept with someone else but if I did then that would be the end of the issue.
It's not like you cheated, you were free to do what you liked with anyone you liked because you weren't together.
It's time you stood up for yourself or he'll never stop.
He doesn't get to act like a fucking child and punish you this way when you did zero wrong. What you did was impolite at most, that's it.
With all due respect it's mostly your fault he's being this way, people only treat us the way we let them treat us and you've put up with this shit too long.
Time to woman up and tell him you will no longer accept his shit, if he can't get over this then you're done but you will not stand by and let him use what happened as a stick to beat you with any longer.
Tell him a year is enough time to be over this and now he's just being emotionally abusive and you will not be treated that way. You're not his fool, and you won't let him make you feel like you are anymore.
So that's it, OP, either stand your ground, put an end to the situation where he can do this without consequences or just watch as this relationship goes past the point of no return and you despise each other.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 OK first things first.
YOU made a mistake, YOU came clean. HE CHOSE to stay with you and start a relationship DESPITE your "mistake". Now I put the "mistake" in quotation marks because you WEREN'T exclusive with your now BF at the time, so I don't think he has such a right to his "high and mighty" stand.
Again, HE chose to stay with you. That should mean he can forgive it and move on. INSTEAD he uses it as ammo for EVERYTHING. He is MANIPULATION you into thinking you are always wrong and he is always right, ALL because that "mistake" you made a year ago. And here is the CRUX - YOU are letting him manipulate you because you feel bad for your past actions.
Well, you see a pattern here?
He is GLAD you made that mistake. And you know why? Because it gives him the upper hand. He can do whatever he wants because HE THINKS you will do ANYTHING to prove him wrong, to be the best GF ever, and he is milking the SHIT out of this. He has got you RIGHT where he wants you. You are DOUBTING yourself, you are BEATING yourself up for things you didn't do and things you did do. And you are FEEDING the troll. In this case your BF is the troll.
Which means, IF he does something he can ALWAYS BLAME you. And you will suck it up and TAKE on the blame.
This isn't a loving relationship.
He is in his 40's for crying out loud and acting like a 5 year old. Except a 5 year old would TELL you JUST what's up, not play mind games for a year.
DUMP his dumb old ass! OR stay and keep sucking it up. I know misery likes company but please, you are in your 20's... DON'T waste your love and your life on someone who doesn't DESERVE it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2014):
 wait one hot second... this so called boyfriend is punishing you for something you did BEFORE he was your boyfriend?
if that's the case then he's wrong and unfair and it's not even reasonable... go ahead and leave.. he's not worth the grief... you did nothing wrong and his double standard (he is secretive while you are reined in) is crazy making.
you will be happier in the long run without all this psychological grief from a man who has no RIGHT to be jealous of something that happened in your life before he was your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I vote for the reply you got from the WiseOwlE....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): We all make mistakes. You were not even in an exclusive relationship when this one-night stand occurred; so your boyfriend's behavior is unreasonable. I can understand he feels jealous; but not a year later. This stinks! He suffers what is called "retroactive jealousy."
That's a handy-dandy pseudo-psychological term for what I consider a boat-load of bullsh*t!!! Jealousy with a side-order of immaturity, sums it up for me!
His behavior may stem from something he is up to, and his own guilty-conscience may be fueling his meanness. Keeping you on pins and needles gives him leverage to do all sorts of foul things behind your back. He has a built-in excuse, if he ever gets caught.
Why is he so secretive? Only because he may himself be up to things he figures will turn the tables; after all the rotten treatment he has levied against you!
When you are punished indefinitely; and forgiveness is always out of reach. You forgive yourself, and you dump the person who can't find it within their self-righteousness to move on. Something is afoul and he keeps secrets from you for a reason.
It's one thing if you betrayed him within a committed and exclusive relationship. You had no guarantee he'd be your boyfriend. Then why the hell did he decide to go through with a relationship, if he was going to be a total ass-h*le the whole time?
Why are you allowing him to mistreat and disrepect you?
You feel you deserve this. YOU DON'T!!!!
Why the heck are you putting yourself through this crap? That is the big question, my dear. You can't turn back time.
It happened, and it's over. Now it's time to consider if this jerk is worth all that you're going through.
If he couldn't forgive you and move on, you've had all this time to make it your own business to leave this abusive situation. Rather than being a martyr, and letting him give you your daily dose of punishment. For something he is too much of dick and a man-child to get-over.
I tell you what you could do with your boyfriend. You could kick his ass to the curb and forgive yourself. Enough is enough. He doesn't love you. You're his submissive-partner in a sadistic/narcissistic relationship. Cut-off his narcissistic supply and regain your freedom.
Go forth, you are forgiven.
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