A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My wife's mum passed away a few months back and I'm trying my best to be supportive but finding it real difficult. She's a stay at home mum with a 5yr old and 8 yr old, both at school. Our house is so chaotic it's unimaginable. We have a fair bit of space, but the messiness on a day to day basis is too much for me at times. I generally come home in the evning and have to wash up (breakfast bowls included), tidy up bits, sort dinner etc. It's just a bit too much for me as I work long hours and feel my house work just means I;m even more tired and see less of my kids and just bark orders at them.I've tried connecting with my wife as well as giving her space but I don't know what to do, I'm pretty sure she's depressed and have suggested she sees a counsellor but feels she won't benefit. I've decided to just try stay silent as she does nothing for a few months, but at times find it extremely difficult. I'm just perplexed what she does with all those hours she has to hand apart from play her game and stay on the forum associated with her game. It's only been 5 months since her mum died so I understand she needs to grieve, but sometimes I snap a little o have a litle dig and it really gets to her. How can I stop myself? I can't really afford a cleaner nor take aways everyday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responses.
Think she'd shun the book. She feels very lonely and only feels she has 2 friends. They now live 200 odd miles away. She has no family.
She's addicted to a game and now spends an unhealthy time on the ipad/laptop playing it for the past few weeks. It's so worrying seeing the only thing she smiles on is talking to ppl on her game whilst ignoring her family around us. I've discussed going away but she does not seem keen to go away and then come back to reality. But she doesn't want to help sort out reality either (our home needs serious organisation)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I lost my mom when I was 35 and it was horrible. that was nearly 19 years ago and I still miss her terribly. your wife is so young to lose her mom... she doesn't even know it yet...
grief counseling will help. . she resists that because she can't see it... she resists it because she may feel that getting over her mother's death means she is losing her mom..
get her a copy of the book "motherless daughters"
and maybe talk to her and say something like
"I know you are missing your mom and don't see how counseling could help.. could you try it a few times for me??
also could we come up with a daily plan on what things you will attempt to accomplish in the house while i"m at work as carrying on working outside our home and doing your tasks is getting really stressful for me.. besides I miss my wife"
then try small tasks with her start slowly
pick the most important thing
"honey can you please wash the breakfast dishes by 4 pm"
seriously small baby steps will help but she needs to seek professional grief help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Your wife needs to see a grief counselor. Sometimes they are free through church and charitable organizations. All faiths offer family-outreach, and bereavement counseling.
You should also have her get a physical-examination for depression.
Grief is a normal emotional response to loss. It's duration can vary from person to person. Clinical depression can set in, and that is an illness. You can't just shake it off or snap out of it. A messy house is one thing, her health is at stake.
It was her mother, which a very profound loss! I know how that feels. I myself have had a close succession of personal losses over the past few years; and it is hard to
bounce back into normal routines. I'm a resilient person, but if it wasn't for my siblings, my friends, and neighbors. I don't know how I would have gotten through it.
I really think you should take a walk when you feel your temper rising. It doesn't help to admonish her under the circumstances. It's bullying.
You have the advantage, no matter how tired you are. I realize you're only human; but then, so is she. You're not just upset about the housekeeping and such, you miss your wife. You miss things as they were. You're grieving too.
You should encourage her siblings or other female-family members to visit her more frequently, and to help her with household chores. Even friends and neighbors. You have to reach out for help sometimes, my friend. Everyone benefits. It's times like these that you need them.
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