A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Around a year ago I met a woman on a dating/friendship website, she lives in America (and me in the UK). We message as often as we're both able to, considering the time differences, and a few weeks ago she called me for the first time. Since then, we've been speaking over the phone every night - though in tonight's phonecall and last night's she said "I've never been in a relationship before". Now here is my issue, it wasn't said as a statement, it was said happily, and it seemed like she was implying that she was happy to be in a relationship with -me- even though this isn't something we've actually discussed before at all. Up until this point, I thought our conversations were simply friendly. For instance, she said it in a happy tone, and then squealed afterwards with joy. She recently confined in me that she has autism, and I am wondering whether this is linked to her perceiving that we're in a relationship? I'm not opposed to the idea, as I do really like her, but of course we'd both need to discuss whether we're both ready for a long distance relationship and all it entails, and I was hoping we'd meet first and see if our connection was as strong in person. I'm a bit stumped how to bring this up with her in a sensitive way. I'm worried how she'll react, especially if she does think we're in an offical relationship and it ends up upsetting her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): I meant to say:
"Don't drag your feet in clarifying what your position is in what's going on."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): I agree with Fatherly Advice. Sometimes when you send mixed-signals or leave a lady hanging too long; she will prompt you by reaching her own conclusion. Your job is to correct her, or speak-up and tell her what's really going on.
It is commendable to be considerate of her feelings; but not to be straightforward, would be leading her on. Her feelings continue to grow based on her present understanding of the situation; and no response to the contrary means she is correct. Single-women know only one type of relationship when they've spent a lot of their time chatting with a single-guy. That's a romantic-relationship.
Austism may skew her interpretation of your intentions, but she made a pretty astute decision; based on her own account of things, and it's apparently what she wants and how she sees it. She has defined the connection between you; and didn't wait for you to tell her what it is. Quite clever on her part, and she gets points for being assertive.
Explain that you're still in the exploratory stage of getting to know her; and have not decided on a relationship or commitment of any sort. She's an adult, not a child; don't condescend to her. If you've been chatting all this time you've gotten to know her level of discernment and understanding. Surely she has given you some idea of what she has been looking for all this time.
The time is to act is now. Don't drag your feet in clarifying your position is in what's going on. She needs to hear it; and you have to allow her to digest the facts in her own way. As Father Advice pointed-out, autistic people take a more clear-cut approach; which is why she cut to the chase, and called it for what she thinks it is. Or, what she considers it should be by now.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 Oh oh, she dropped the R word. The old meaning of that word "relationship" was not so loaded. Now the term could mean committed relationship, exclusive relationship, romantic relationship or all of them. Certainly you have a friendly relationship at this point. Many people reach your age with no relationship experience and have no idea what to expect, or what it would look like or feel like.
Certainly being on the autism spectrum would complicate it more. She may experience and show emotions in unusual ways, or not at all.
What I see about your relationship (unofficial) is very good. She Trusts you and confides in you. You are careful not to hurt her by breaking that trust. You communicate regularly and are stepping up the communication from writing to voice. these are all good signs. Don't panic! Just talk to her about what the word relationship means to her. Then explain what level of commitment you are ready for. Autistic people tend to be more logical, try that tack.
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