A
female
age
41-50,
*ystifyme
writes:hi all. ive been with my partner for 14 years on and off and we have 2 children together. i love him to bits and i can't imagine life without him but my biggest fear just lately is that he doesnt love me. we very rarely have sex as hes not interested. hes from a different town to me and once a month he goes back home to see his family and friends, this i don't mind but he never offers for us to go with him and sometimes he won't get intouch with me for 2 days but he doesnt turn his phone off and i can call him when i like. hes very distant from me and we hardly ever talk. he gets very moody with me over the smallest of things. we didnt live together for a long while after we separated the first time we split up and it wasnt until i had my second child that he moved back in and hes been here for 12 months now and im still waiting for some sign off him that he loves me. before he moved back in we were so close and i felt then that he loved me, now theres nothing. he cheated on me 9 years ago and had a son a month after i had our son, i fear all the time that he will or is doing it again. im 33 and hes 47, i don't know if its an age thing and hes just not that interested in sex the way i still am because of our age difference??? please help me, i want our relationship to work but i feel like im working alone at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): sounds like his hearts not in it since he's been back in fact I am surprised you have 2 children
Do you ask to go with him on his home visits? Its bizarre you dont all go - as a family - you would think they'd want to see the children and you.
I cant say whats going on, every relationships different - but I would say its not meant to be long term and its not his age, its compatability
How long you are prepared to put up with his behaviour is up to you - but sounds like you need to sort this one way or another and not have him back if you decide to split up - find somebody new
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult it must be. I hate to say it, but I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of their being someone else on his once a month ventures, but I'm not going to say their is evidence to say for sure. He may be stressed, like many are in this day and age, with family and such, but the economy going down the flusher. He may just be taking a break from life to be somewhere else. Either way, it's time for you to sit him down and have a heart to heart. When you do, 2 things. 1. Ask if there is someone else, but in a way that is not accusatory. 2. Let him know how all of this is affecting you. Tell him your fears, your worries, how you want to be closer to him, but you feel pushed aside.
As for you!!! Don't allow treatment that is less than what you deserve. If he's not seeing another woman, and your relationship has turned into being in a rut, you're just as much to blame as he is. Both of you allowed the "blah" routine of regularity to take over. It's like setting your relationship on auto-pilot, and expecting the relationship to create itself, instead of you two taking the wheel and taking control of the direction of your relationship. This is sad too because children are in your home. How you act relate to one another is creating a blueprint in your children's mind for how they should perceive relationships to be. And, don't think for a moment that your kids are blind to what's going on with you two. Have you ever felt bad, and without telling your child, he or she asks "what's wrong?" Until kids get older and begin knowing by their own experience, they are very vigilant to their environment, and are like an emotional GPS. So, by allowing the relationship to continue like this, they're learning that "this" is okay.
If he is seeing someone else, that will be your call if you forgive, and rebuild or say "see ya!" If he's not, you're relationship is in a rut. You are both to blame for allowing it. If you choose to salvage the relationship, and work as a team, my advise is that you begin by scheduling one evening a week for a date night. How this works. One week he does all the planning, and preparation, then next you do. On the day of the date, the one who plans gives the other an invitation, that only has time and where to show up. The other just has to show up and do whatever is planned. You do this because it can be fun. It's time for you two to focus on your relationship. And It allows for creativity to expand what you two do together.
Often in relationships, especially where there are kids, we focus on bills, what needs done to the home, and raising kids, but couples often forget that their relationship needs focus and attention too. The other aspect is that you can't leave the kids out of all of this fun. One afternoon a week or bi-weekly, depending on schedules, schedule a kids date. They choose what they want to do, within reason, and it's the job of BOTH of you to participate together, as a family with them. It may be to spend a few hours at the park, or roller skating, but whatever it may be, it must be both of you doing with your kids, no excuses. This is so the family unit as a whole begins to be drawn back together. The kids are happy being able to spend time with their parents, and they'll see how much better you two get along since beginning your date night's.
I'm a single parent, but happen to be in a position where I haven't missed any of my daughter's plays, or school parties, and I'll tell you, she loves having me there. Most functions, it's a whole bunch of mothers and me. I understand when parents have to work and miss functions. But to often I hear, "dad didn't want to come" and it's sad because you can tell, even though mom is there and they are grateful, they want what they do, that's important to them, to be important to dad too. This is why you do the afternoon with both of you. If either one of you stays home, although your children will have a good time, they'll still feel a sense of absence with the other one not there.
I hope this helps you. Take care, and plz update on what took place. Take care.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (3 August 2011):
 I think you two should end the relationship. He cheated on you and you two hardly ever talk. What kind of relationship is that? It seems like he's stopped putting effort into the relationship. And if he's not willing to try, then it won't work. Tell him how you feel and tell him that you would like for you two to get closer emotionally. It's odd that he never takes you to meet his family when you've been together for as long as you have. But tell him how you feel and ask him to put more effort into the relationship. If he doesn't want to or doesn't at all, then it's time for you to break it off and find another guy.
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