A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I feel lost in life and need help.I broke up with my husband of 14 years nearly four years ago. We had had a good relationship and two amazing children but he cheated and I could not forgive him. I desperately regret this. I was intent I could find a better life having given him everything and he treating me like made me ignore his pleas to reconsider. I met my second husband. I now know he has OCD straight away. We married quickly and had a child who is now 2 years old. He treated me very badly cheating, ignoring or even being dismissive of my older children, shouting, being verbally abusive as he could not see his children. I lost my job whilst having the baby and he refused to pay even half of the bills so I lost my house with its equity, he rented a house on his own without telling me. I had to start again with the three children with no financial or moral assistance from him. One day I went to the supermarket with ten pounds to buy nappies baby milk and food for tea I felt like crying. He kept in touch, became better with my children and stopped going out but only because he knew I would not tolerate it. We got closer but then he refused to move in at the last moment due to the household costs. He is better with my kids but I feel this can be a front that he finds hard to control at times. He is controlled by stress and can be like a child at times. Nevertheless he now proposes us moving in together again. We have looked at numerous houses together. He changes his mind at the last moment after we have shown my children and his the houses. He said we will have to rent and I will have to save my half of a house deposit even though he has forty thousand in the bank and I have only just started earning again. I was willing to share my income with his as I now earn more if he put the deposit down. At first he suggested putting some in for me I would have to pay it back to him but still share my income. Now I will have to rent and scrimp for three years to do this. I told him I wont share my income. I feel angry. I put him on the deeds of my other house with my equity without question when I lost my job he did not want to know apart from wanting half my furniture I had before I met him. I don't know whether to cut the bonds and break away with the children. I am scared to go into a tenantcy with him as he is miserly and more importantly I feel he may not be able to control the way he acts with my children. He insists he must be on the tenantcy .I am scared. My first ex is getting remarried soon and I wish him the best.I feel I have destroyed my life and caused so much damage I cry inside every day. I feel so awful inside and so alone if I did not have my children I dont know what I would do. I have struggled so much over the last three years. I lost my job, my house, I and my baby nearly died in childbirth three days after which he said he did not know if he wanted to be with me anymore. He is better to a degree now but not as I would want it but as I finished my first relationship I am now scared. I lost touch with my friends as I don't go anywhere but work and home with the children. I want to share everything with someone and not to be taken advantage of. I want my children to be happy more than anything. Very sad, very confused, scared of being on my own, and so so lonely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking the time to answer me your advice is very encouraging and I will take time to consider your advice
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 From your story, it sounds like you keep going to the source of your problems: cheating men. While you may miss husband #1, let's face it, he cheated on you and you couldn't forgive him. He probably seriously betrayed your trust at the time and most women would probably leave a straying husband than stick around with someone they despise.
Unfortunately, life dealt you some bad cards and it sounds like you mad a poor decision in marrying husband #2. I do feel badly for you as it sounds like you have many children who are relying upon you and you've had nothing but misfortune with the men in your life.
I am a little confused about who you are seeing now, but it sounds like there are issues that need to be addressed. Living together with a mate for the sake of money (and not love) is another recipe for disaster. It sounds like there is a lot of turmoil there and your kids are going to pay the price with the emotional turbulence -- as well as the shuttling around to various male influences.
Your best bet, I suspect at this point, is to figure out what is best for your kids. Leaving the guys aside, ask yourself what is the most stable thing you can do for them? Understand, that you will battle loneliness, but I think you have to remember that your kids emotional well being come first. You also have the skills and strength to go out on your own, but you are going to have to do some footwork in getting support from the children's fathers. If you haven't done so already, enlist the support of their biological fathers for child support as well as parental support.
You can make friends by getting your children involved in activities with other children and getting to know their parents. In addition, in your free time, take up a hobby -- one that can be done with other people. Join a running group, check out what is happening at the library, etc. I don't know your interests and passions, but life is waiting for you -- you just need to answer its call.
Finally, if you do find a stable man, make sure he is the right one and will honor and respect your kids. Take your time too and make sure he is "Mr Right" instead of "Mr Right Now", which is what you seem to have presently.
Wishing you the best....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): What comes across loud and clear to me is that you are a loving, compassionate and hard working woman. You are exactly the type of woman that some (not all)men love to exploit. Think about it: a foul-mouthed, angry, lazy unkind woman is not going to help a guy like that get anything he wants. Someone like you, who is forgiving and affectionate is much more likely to have stuff he wants.
It doesn't sound as though he wants to change his behavior, and I suspect that in your heart, you know that. I have been where you have been, and I called off our plans at the last minute because my gut instinct told me that the financial and emotional consequences of continuing the relationship with him were going to be more than I could bear.
I understand your pain about the marriage you left, but it sounds to me as though your very reasonable needs weren't being met - as though you were dying a little every day in that relationship. And now you find yourself with someone who is being very exploitative and mean, you must feel very hopeless and desperate: I've been there, and I made it through: I bet you can too.
You feel like you made mistakes: do you know anyone who NEVER made a mistake? Aren't you being a little harsh on yourself? I don't know about you, but I never had lessons at school in building self esteem and finding healthy relationships: I had to figure that stuff out for myself, and so of course I mad some bad choices. But by God I learned from them. If you pay attention to that still small voice inside you, it will tell you what to do. That's the voice of your conscience, telling you what you know deep inside is right for you.
You wouldn't have posted this message if you didn't feel deep down inside that something is very very badly wrong with this picture. I suspect you know what to expect if the two of you make a joint financial commitment: you will be the one who pays, and you will not get any gratitude or respect for it either.
If you read back over your letter, and imagine that it was a good friend who was in this situation and had asked your advice - what would you tell her? Would you tell her to ignore the red flags and the sinking feeling of despair and dread?
It might help if you talked face to face with someone about your concern. Perhaps if you can an appointment at your local CAB, you might feel more supported? They can advise you in confidence about things like money, tenancy rights and so on. At the very least, you will be breaking out of the pattern of covering up for someone who treats you so unkindly.
Please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself: you are doing your very best under enormous pressure. You can get through this and you won't EVER have to go through it again, because you will have changed for the better. My prayers are with you on your journey: do not be discouraged.
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