A
male
age
51-59,
*tupidlyGreen
writes:I know a lot of you are going to say this is just another guy with hang-ups and insecurities suffering from hypocritical retrospective jealousy – and to a certain extent you may be right – but I really am desperate to fix this (fix myself?), so would appreciate any help that anyone is able to give.My story is this…I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years and we are very much in love. I’m older than her (I’m in my 40s, she’s in her 30s). We have both experienced life, have been through a lot and are not naive. We live together, her kid lives with us, my kids come to stay regularly. The kids all get on really well, we both love each other’s kids and treat them like our own. We love doing the same things, we have never really argued. She makes me happier than anyone I have ever met and her friends and family all say they have never seen her so happy. It’s actually pretty idyllic in virtually every respect and we both want to get married. The problem is her past. She’s a pretty well-known musician and lived a ‘rock n’ roll’ lifestyle until a few years ago. I knew this when we met, so I did try to get a feel for what this involved at a very early stage of our relationship. At the time, she explained that she had been in a couple of long term relationships since she was very young and although she had ‘experimented a bit’ during the year-long break between them, she had not just slept with guys randomly. That was well within my comfort zone, so I forged ahead to where we are now. Things started to get difficult when I recently learned about a past incident with a guy that didn’t really match what she had said. What she actually did was not really a big deal in itself, or that unusual, but it made me doubt the picture that she had presented to me when we first met. We have talked about this since and she has now told me that she did a lot of ‘really wild’ stuff back in the day. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I get the impression it could be pretty extreme and I’m 99% sure that it was sexual . She told me that she has been keeping it from me because she didn’t want to upset me and because she was worried that I might not be able to handle it. She has offered to tell me everything without me applying any pressure for her to do so.I need to be clear that I am no prude – and she knows this. I have been with a lot of women and done some pretty wild things myself. Despite that (perhaps because of it), this is really freaking me out and eating me up. I normally deal with past history by not asking about it and not knowing about it. That way, the past can be kept in the past – and private. It works. The trouble is that I now know about this stuff and my mind is filling in the gaps – making stuff up to match my fears. I keep imagining her involved in wild gangbangs on tour buses while off her head on drugs. On the one hand, I feel like I should accept her offer to tell all, so I know what I’m dealing with and aim for closure (which may not even be necessary, as what she has done may not be as bad as I fear). On the other hand, I don’t want to know the details because whilst I don’t know them I can live in hope that it’s really not that bad after all. It also seems to be the case that quite a lot of people know about this stuff, which feels weird when I don’t. Then there is the risk that one of them may say something (to me or to the press) and it will all come out anyway, so I feel like it may be better to know about it now, under more controlled circumstances. On the other hand, I’m really scared of finding out what this is all about, in case it causes real damage. I feel like I’m sitting on a ticking bomb that could blow up our world at any time.Logically, I know that none of this should matter: it was a long time ago and she did nothing wrong. She has moved-on and she is in every respect a loving partner and mother and exactly the sort of person I always dreamed of meeting. My feelings are also totally hypocritical in view of the life that I have led myself. I don’t even know why I don’t like the thought of her doing this stuff so long ago. But my heart is beating-up my head and it’s too much to bear. I need to find a way to give my head the upper hand. I know some of you will say that we are incompatible and that I should move on. But If I do that, it will break both of our hearts, upset all the kids and throw away something special for all of us. And it shouldn’t be necessary – it’s my problem, not hers – I just need to find a way to reach emotional peace …Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, StupidlyGreen +, writes (18 January 2017):
StupidlyGreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your replies. They are all helping in their different ways and I really appreciate the effort.I just wanted to try and clarify a few things. I initially asked about her past, because I wanted to know what I could be letting myself in for. Her life as a rock musician is unusual and it was unfamiliar ground to me. I had also heard the sorts of stories that I guess you will have done too. Once I decided to get together with her, I chose to leave the past in the past, so we could focus on us and the future. The details of the one-off thing she did came up by accident. I didn't go looking for it. I only talked with her about it because it made me doubt what she told me when we first got together. When we talked about that was when she told me about the wild stuff she has been hiding. I haven't told her I have a problem with anything she has done. When she said that she was upset by this aspect of her past, I told her that it is her past that brought us to where we are now and that made her who she is. She offered to tell all, but I declined. Since then, I haven't mentioned it and I have been trying to forget about it. I totally agree that it is the past and I love the life we have together now. The problem is that I'm scared and worried precisely because she told me it is something that would upset and worry me. I suppose it's become self-fulfilling, if that makes sense? She thinks I'm happy and I think she thinks I have put it out of my mind. In reality, I have lost 7 pounds in weight in the last week alone. The other issue is that of the press. If her next album does well, it seems that some of this stuff could be raked up and published. I feel that I somehow need to prepare myself for this.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 I'm going to say something differentI think your fears are very real and valid. I think if she had been completely honest with you in the beginning instead of hiding it for 2 years and then revealing it later--your fears wouldnt have developed so. She waited til you fell for her to finally say that yes, she had a wild sex life before. I think she was selfish and secretive and hid that part from you and that to me, shows us she didnt value your feelings in all this.I would be very worried too, if a the perfect loving boyfriend I have hid his previous sex past from me in hopes that I would fall for him and and not worry. I think revealing our sexual past is so important---it can let us know if this person is worth pursuing and falling for. I have met very handsome charming even good men who I passed up because I didnt feel comfortable with their past sexual exploits. She was dishonest. I think your fears would have quenched if she had open up completely in the beginning and stated shes not proud of what she did. That she learned her lesson and hope you can understand ---now that would be sign of a healthy compassionate person.I think you should think about it. It sounds like a wonderful relationship but its entirely up to you if you want to break it off or not. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): First things first, well done for starting to seek out help. This sort of situation could cause you real problems if you keep it to yourself. The conflict between 'it's ok' and 'i can't believe she did that!' is not going to go away on it's own.
What is it that bothers you exactly? This would be important to find out. Try thinking it out to find what it is. Or try talking with a friend. Maybe even she would talk with you about it- I reckon you need to 'vent' to uncover what your actual hang ups are.
Her telling you everything else that happened won't fix it, trying to brush the bad thoughts aside won't either. Get to the root of what bothers you and that's where you should begin fixing it from.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 "I just need to find a way to reach emotional peace …"
You already have emotional peace...but you choose not to accept it by doing this...
"The trouble is that I now know about this stuff and my mind is filling in the gaps – making stuff up to match my fears."
It's simple...Are you man enough to handle the woman that she is now? If yes...then why do you care about her past?
The only reason you should be concerned, is if she is doing things now as she did in the past. If not...again...why do you care about the past?
You know all the problems you are causing for yourself, and yet, you still do them.
LOVE does care about the past. It cares about love, giving and receiving it.
LIFE does not care about love. It care about two things only...RIGHT and WRONG.
Do things right, and life will treat you the same. Do things wrong, like you are doing...and it will make you regret it.
So if you are giving her love, receiving her love,and doing right by her, and she is doing right by you...why are to looking for something wrong?
Don't go planting trouble for yourself, you will reap more trouble than you handle.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (17 January 2017):
 My wife had quite an extensive and varied sex life before we met. She has told me most of it, I suspect she has kept some of it back. I'm totally comfortable with it. I'm glad she lived life to the full before we met, otherwise she might be more curious now. It was part of her personal and sexual development. The fact that your girlfriend had a wild past but is now totally committed to you and your children is a huge compliment to you! It's your call as to whether she tells you the full details (I would want to know, because I'm nosey) but I suspect her revelations are nothing compared to what is going on in your imagination, so it might be a good idea!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 January 2017):
 You KNOW this is not fair on your girlfriend. All this stuff you worry about happened years before you met. She was a different person then and, to be blunt, her past is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Being the lovely person she is today - which is in no small part due to past experiences - she has offered to tell you everything if you want to hear it. I suspect, if you do hear it, you will find something else to fixate on.
Every time you start thinking about her past, force your mind back to the present - to the lovely lady she is today, to the lovely relationship you have (or could have, if only you stopped trying to sabotage it), to the lovely kids you share your life with, to the lovely life you COULD have together if only you would allow it. Would you rather she had gone through all this stuff years ago and got it out of her system, or be wondering in years to come whether she missed out and go off to try this stuff? How would you feel if she was giving you a hard time about your past? It is quite possible YOU have done "worse" things than SHE has, but SHE is not giving YOU a hard time because she understands that people come with histories and that, except in extreme cases, they are of no relevance to the present.
Agree with your girlfriend that, every time you feel insecurity creeping in when you are with her, you will ask her for a hug or a hand squeeze or some other gesture which will help you take your mind off the unimportant past and focus on the all-important present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): Well, it isn't uncommon for many men to have this struggle. When they become serious about a woman, her past becomes more important. You are deciding on making this woman your wife so you are sizing her up very carefully and what she did in the past is or isn't relevant depending on who is judging. To you, it seems relevant. There is no right or wrong answer. Yes, you love her and she loves you. But this is a very big step and you are wanting to make sure in your heart of hearts that it is the right decision. You cannot be faulted for this.You are going to have this battle with yourself for a long time unless you can find a logical thought or belief which gives you peace. It is as if you are worried if she will be faithful because of her wild sexual behaviour in the past. Well, you just never know is the answer. Some men marry girls who are virgins in the hopes that these women will be the faithful types. But sometimes they are not because they have only been with one man and later on they start to rebel and start to question what they have missed. And end up living a teenaged dream in their later years. Your girlfriend has experienced all of this and has done it. So, she is inclined to be less curious now. She has grown and matured since those days. Those experiences are now behind her. So, why not leave them in the past where they belong? Do not let your own insecurities ruin a good thing. Remember, you also have a past. We all do. We all come with baggage. If you love a person enough, you accept that about them. And move forward, not backwards. Does this make sense? Hope I have helped you to gain some clarity. And I wish you both much happiness.
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