A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together just under a year. the relationship had a pretty rocky start as he was still in love with his ex. a few months ago we broke up, after he'd been to see her, and he told me that he didnt love me. he called me the next day and asked for me back, and i took him back a few days later. he siad nothing had happened with her and that they were no longer in contact as she had deleted him off her phone, facebook etc. it still bothers me that if she hadnt deleted him they may still be in touch. because of the whole ordeal i find it pretty difficult to trust him. im contantly thinking 'how do i know hes not lying'. a few weeks ago for example i was staying with him at his parents hosue and he lied about a teddy bear at the end of the bed that was from his ex, claiming it was from his parents. i had already looked at the tag which had 'love from her name' written in it. for a while the relationship when fine again but recently it seems like everything i do he just stands behind me and criticizes me. we live together but we dont really spend time together. he spends nearly all day locked in his bedroom and doesnt really come out until dinner time. he says he loves me but only usualy if ive said it first.My self estem is pretty low. i feel like nothing i do is good enough for him. im scared that hes bored of me. i know i shouldnt have done but i went through his computer history and half of its just porn. hes got a 'babes' file on his desktop aswell, and it wasnt there before. while ive been sat in the next room he's been sat looking at these pictures and watching all of this on his laptop. weve both got fairly high sex drives and its rare that we go a day without, so why does he still feel the need to look at other women like this?maybe im just being an idiot, but i dont see how he can just lock himself away all day looking at this stuff when im in the next room. it drives me mad and it kills my self esteem.i guess i want to know if anyone else thinks its wierd, and if anything, what i should do about it. i cant tell him that ive been through his computer. im scared that hes going to slip through my fingers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 Yeah, I'm puzzled as to why this relationship is fulfilling to you. You spend no time with him, he's in love with his ex, he only says he loves you if you say it first, and then of course, this weird, all day, locked up porn thing.
Are you afraid to be alone, or don't want to be without him? Because you can find way better relationships than this, guys who treat you better and who love every second they spend with you, Guys who love to tell you how much they love you and show you every day. You deserve that kind of relationship, not one with a locked door. Student housing aside, you can still get out of there. You're not stuck.
Don't waste time. There is too much to fix here, and unless you have incredible time, effort and energy to put into things, this is what your relationship will look and feel like for the next year of your life.
You deserve more than this. Instead of putting in all that effort to fix things, but the effort into dropping the relationship and bettering your life and yourself. Good luck, sweetness!!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 Yeah, it is pretty weird to start a relationship with a guy who is in love with someone else.
Forget about his issues, focus on your own.
You shouldn't be with him. Yet you are. Why?
He ain't going to slip through your fingers, he was never in them. Accept this, and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Thank you for your replies!I've decided I'm going to 'accidentally' see his babes file over his shoulder today if I can catch him on his desktop and use that as a way to start talking to him. its always the same when we argue though. he turns everything against me and always tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing.I don't know what I'd do if I broke up with him. we live under the same roof and its a student house so were stuck together for at least another year. what if he brought another girl home. he's the first guy I ever slept with, and I know I'm not the kind of person that would bring a random guy home if I were single. I know he's had a couple of one night stands in the past thoughHe also went on a night out last night and didn't get in till 6am. when I woke up at 5 I rang him to find out where he was and he had a go at me for worrying about him and told me to stop being stupid and go to sleep. guess I've just got to wait for him to get up and hope I can talk to him without it becoming a blazing row.
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A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (6 September 2009):
I think its more weird that you two are in the same house and aren't together most of the time, forget about the porn. What's up with that?I think this relationship doesn't have a very positive future at all. It was started on breaking trust, and that is a horrible foundation for a solid relationship. Looking at porn while having you under the same roof as him is a little (sorry the frankess) pathetic too, and rather suspicious. I know guys look at porn, but while you two are living together? That's not good.If you still want to stick with him for some reason, you have no choice but to talk to him about everything you're worried about. If it's ruining your self esteem, tell him that, and if he doesn't have a good repsonce to that then I'd just say he's a waste of your time. No guy should feel ok when their girl isnt, and you shouldn't have to be with someone who doesn't make you feel good.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): yup you said it...low self esteem!you dont need that!!! i see that he does not really love you. you are just somebody thats there(he loves you only if youve said it first?) what is that? Seriously you do not need him, i am sure you can find somebody else. i personally believe that everyone has somebody out there that is meant to be with them, and he is not meant to be with you. find somebody that actually loves you, respects you, values you, and only has eyes for you.If you keep putting up with this you are only going to end up feeling worst than what you feel right now. Really...you are best with out him
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