A
male
age
36-40,
*rafter
writes:Hey,Have you ever felt like you live in somebody's shadow? Like you're a support beam for someone who's meant to be happy and prosperous and at the same time your one and only purpose in life is to make them feel better?Well, this is just about how I feel lately.We've been friends with this guy for a long time. We've known each other for over ten years now and he is great. And that's actually the problem - he's too great for me to handle. It didn't use to bother me before, but now I feel I'm in his shadow. No matter what he does, everyone seems to think he's Godsend. He's praised and acknowledged for his every action and instead of being happy for him I find myself being angry and jealous and left back.So what now? I can't point the finger at him and say to myself "Well, it's his fault that I feel like crap", cause it's not. And being envious makes me feel even more frustrated, because I hate him just cause he's so successful in his every endeavor and I seem to fail on every step. And even if I DO get things right nobody seems to notice or give a damn.Don't get me wrong. I really value our friendship and he's been very generous. Sure he's got his flaws, but look at me...Whenever I try to measure up to him, I find myself down in the dumpsters. It feels as if knowing him and being friends with him really holds me back. Even my father seems to have noticed and told me to take some time out, because I'm developing serious issues. I guess I hate the fact that some people do things without even trying and others try hard and keep getting it wrong.So what to do? Spending time with him and his family seems to make me feel even worse and I know it's my fault, but how do I fix it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Hi
I don't think you have gone rotten, angry and bitter i meant that resentment breeds these feelings. I hope i did not hurt your feelings. I have been on the other side of the coin. With my sister who secretly for years resented me, because she felt that i got more attention from my parents and friends. I was crushed when all her years of hidden resentment came out, sibling rivalry i believe. There were four of us all loved equally the only ATTENTION difference was i was always the one in trouble and quite loud so was in the limelight. I was so hurt that my sister had felt she was loved less. I felt a guilt that i never should have . I adored and loved my sister with a loyalty that could not be questioned, and so did our parents. Had she SPOKE UP in the beginning others would have understood and so would I and so would she. I know you have started to stand up for yourself but it works against you. SECRET....i was always in trouble because i never gave a toss what others thought about me and so i always stood up for my beliefs, often against opposition...often disliked for this. Love and respect people but Do not EXPECT it in return from everyone or yes you are people pleasing INOTHER WORDS NOT ALWAYS BEEN TRUE TO YOURSELF.... which TAKES ME TO YOUR QUESTION?
How do you develop your sense of self?
Be TRUE to YOURSELF and OTHERS.
Know that we are ALL UNIQUE.
understand no one is perfect.
Have the courage of your convictions.
Stand by YOUR TRUTH even if everyone on the planet disagrees with you.
Know who you are and what you are about.
Know what you like and what you dont like. stand up for yourself and what you BELIEVE IN.
You say you are sick of the CHARADE...the answer is in this word, be TRUE to yourself.
You can say NO! to people but its HOW YOU DELIVER the NO!
Maybe you deliver the NO! in a angry manner because of all the years you never used to say it.( resentment is like poison it grows.)
All i know about SELF is TRUTH..my truth may not be your truth and vise versa...
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (3 December 2008):
 Hi Hunny
My house used to be full of people asking me to look after there children, could I pop down and help them with there housework as they were busy and someone was visiting, They were depressed and needed someone to talk to, And so on, from the age of about 20 I guess..Over the years I've had those supposed friends turn around when I've said no I'm sorry I cant do this or be there. Tell me that I should get my priority's in order..I always had my priority's in order my children came first, Yes when they were small and I could carry them around it was easier to help a friend but if I was unavailable it was so nice to realise just who my real friends were. And over the years I have done that quite well, I still help my friends when they are down they all no to come here if they don't feel well and we will laugh until they feel better, But this is only because I've been there so no what its like to feel bad...I'm not a push over any more!!!!I've got one hell of a fiery temper that can make grown men stand back or run LOL!!!!!!This has all been a learning experience for me hunny and I wouldn't change a thing (well maybe a couple) I say don't hate because so much negative energy goes into this one emotion, It can be very painful, And not for the person that has done you wrong only to yourself..Believe me this year I have wanted to jump on a few of my mates they got me so cross because I was not available for them at the time they so wished..But I count to 200 mate 10 is no good...Oh they know don't worry there its hard for me not to let them no now that they have pissed me right off LOL!!!!! MY MAT OUTSIDE MY ROOM SAYS GO ON WALK ALL OVER ME EVERYONE ELSE DOES..But that's the mat it is not me, Sometimes I do believe though people like seeing me angry cant think why apparently I'm funny YEA OK!!!!Its life's little learning curves I HOPE THING GET BETTER FOR YOU LOVE TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Crafter +, writes (3 December 2008):
Crafter is verified as being by the original poster of the question Can't I take a pill or something?
Anyways...
Thanks a million, guys.
Pepper27:
By what you've written I can tell that you're a very compassionate person and I was sad to read that you're parents never really paid you their respects. That must feel terrible. Thank you for your support and advice. In a way I use to be a nice person, but then it kind of developed into a "nice guy" syndrome. Basically I went out of my way to help everyone just so they'd like me. Now I'm tired of this charade, but people keep asking me for help now and then, but as I give them the red light they think I'm being mean about it, because I never really said "no" before.
Still... I understood the message, but I'm not nearly as nice as you are. I'll do my best though.
Thanks.
To the last of the poster:
Yeah, OK, it's me that has gone rotten and bitter an angry, but how do I develop this sense of self? I thought that standing up for myself is the trick to it, but the more I do it the more it seems to work against me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): HiFirst of all you have fixed some of it by recognizing you have an issue and understand that it is not your friends fault. You have to be xcareful that you dont start getting into the IDENTITY THEFT arena...I bet You see things in your Friend that you actually aspire to and wish you had or were like? Your problem is actually very logical to me..you need to develop your OWN SENSE OF SELF and pull away from this friendship or at least until your independent in your own SELF. If you carry on you will end up getting very bitter and resentful and jealous of your friend. Everything will become competitive and the EGO battle will begin as it has already started to manifest. You have individual qualities that your friend does not have and we humans all different characters. Never measure up to someone else, live your life without the need for votes and live it as you see fit. If people do things that seem to work they are been TRUE TO THEMSELVES, maybe you are not not been TRUE to yourself. Time to stop these issues chewing you up..get away and work on you....do not try to be anybody else and certainly do not blame your freind because i bet he is oblivious of the battle that is growing within you.Good Luck you have everything within yourself to develop and bring out..and people love true people and this is where your character can develop and charisma will grow, and your own success will develop.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (2 December 2008):
Hi Hunny
Can I first say don't hate!!!!
It can and will destroy you, I could have felt this way, In answer to your question I have felt very much in shall we say the background at times of someone, And that someone is my sister love, As we were growing up it was very hard as she was the only natural born child to my parents and as siblings do, we argued and she always brought up that I wasn't really her sister or mum wasn't really mum...This of course upset me but as I grew I became much more understanding of this realising she may have felt bad because mum was always saying to friends and people in general that I was adopted and it almost felt more special as she never said anything towards my sister if you understand...My sister has gone on to do very well in her career and my parents could not be any more proud and rightly so as she has achieved so much, I on the other hand was never really settled I did one job then went to another job and so on until I found my heart was in nursing..My parents have never really said anything to me about my job, My dad has but never my mum, I've looked after many people on a one to one basis until death and it to me is very satisfying work...
I could feel in the shadow as you say and feel hatred for my sister, But I don't, There are many things I have done in life that she hasn't and many things that I can do in life that she cannot it is the same I feel for most people, Not everyone is perfect no matter what. I can understand that this has and is eating away at you, But my advise to you is don't let it, Be happy for your friend, Be happy that he has done so well and Be happy with yourself for always sticking by your friend even though at this moment you feel bad..You no, He values your friendship he is happy to have you besides him as his best mate this is because you hold quality's that he admires in you hunny...I hope this helps a little and I do hope you can work this out love TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): It could be that people don't realise how you feel and how you want to be praised. Maybe you could ask some of your friends, and your boyfriend, to list your good points. You may get some surprises. You could ask your Dad too.
You could also do some work on your self-esteem. There are books and courses to help with this.
I used to live with someone who seemed to come across well but what he was doing was for example turning the conversation to things he was well up on and so he looked good! It can be like that. He meant no harm. He was very clever but certain people thought he was quite boring and he lacked a sense of humour. Ask yourself what qualities you have that he hasn't, just for your own information.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Bear this in mind, for how ever envious you are when he is successful so he is exalted at your failures. In many ways this doubles his success.
Why is he really your friend? Really?
Find a new friend this is proving unhealthy for you.
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