A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i cheated on my husband about two weeks ago with an old fling that i had previuosly been intimate with, (way prior to meeting my husband). i have been married for 3 1/2 years, and we have 2 children under the age of three. our relationship has been rocky for about 2 years, which does not excuse my actions, but our relationship has not been good.i felt horrible after the act, and actually cried histerically with my fling. i have been thinking about this non-stop since. mostly because i feel bad, and mostly because i had feelings for this person in my past.i do not want to tell my husband, but i feel horrible and anxious about this everyday. the worse part it, i want to do it again, and if my fling is interested.....i think i will.is this wrong? should i tell my husband what is going on?i know that i did not give much back story, but let me know if you can help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): You are looking for people who will justify what you have done and what you are contemplating continuing - that means you are trying to justify the behaviour to yourself...so you already know it's 'wrong'.
All of the previous posters are spot on with their advice - I agree that you should seek counselling to explore what has allowed you to 'slip' like this now - if you value your marriage, or your self concept etc, you should get some help to deal with the 'issues'.
What you are doing is a 'feel good' thing - you will have some instant gratification - feel that rush, that risk, feel desired...whatever it is you're getting from this affair, but that isn't going to last. Read some of the MANY posts on here that pertain to cheating, affairs etc - this path you are on leads to sadness - all round - there is little doubt about that. So - for every little moment of 'thrill' you get right now you are gonna get four times back in negativity in the long run.
As someone who has been cheated on - I would like to simply remind you that you once loved your husband more than anyone else, enough to commit yourself to him for life...whether you still feel that or not, you should respect him enough to not do this to him. He deserves much better - you know that. Relationships are hard work - we all make mistakes and we all go through times when we wonder if it's all worth it - but if we all chose to act selfishly and without any thought for others involved imagine what a mess the world would be!
You need to own what you've done...that may mean you tell, it may not. But - OWN that you have done the wrong thing, and do something about it. Go and see a counsellor - sort out what you want - but don't see this ex again in the meantime. The heartbreak caused by infidelity is indescribable - and that isn't just for the poor injured spouse - it's the children involved, the parents (what would your family think of you? your husbands family?), the friends...and the cheater too.
It's not too late to atone - you are probably a very good person who for whatever reason got caught up in a fantasy - and went too far...just don't keep doing it. Time to live in reality honey - you're a grown up who needs to deal with her issues in a less selfish, more mature fashion!
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Tell him. This will help prevent you from doing it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): You married your husband and promised to stay faithful. You need to look at why you are interested in someone else and whether it is worth it. When you finished with the fling before there was a reason, and also a reason you married your husband. Try to work out what is missing in your marriage and find a way through it with your husband. Introducing a third party only complicates things and makes you escape rather than work through it and find a solution.
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (2 December 2008):
 What is your relationship with your husband missing, that this other guy provides for you? Think about it and then work on those things with your husband. If they are serious and can't be worked out, you need to consider whether you want to stay in the relationship or not...but don't fool around with other men in the meantime. It's not fair to your husband or kids. Get checked for STI's, while you're at it, since you don't know where this other guy has been since the last time you had sex with him and I'm sure you'd feel horrible if you took an STD home to your husband.
Whether you tell your husband about this or not is up to you. Some people think that simply living with the knowledge and guilt over what you have done is enough punishment for you. Personally, I'd come clean. You and your husband should see a counselor about it so that you can try to work through these problems together. The act of cheating itself was your fault entirely, but more likely than not your husband is partly responsible for the feelings that led you to seek other men in the first place.
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