A
female
age
36-40,
*otinlove
writes:Things between my Fiance and myself have not been as good as they used to be, lately. It's been five years together, we have a house and a 3 year old daughter. Im having a hard time trusting him. Im not positive of infidelity, however there have been little bumps in road we have paved. About 2 mnths ago I found in our computer history hes been on formspring. I had nvr heard of it and set up a profile. I continued to search and found hes networking with girls who pose for porn. I was kind of hurt that he had never mentioned it. Out of curiosity i asked him if he had ever heard of formspring, he shrugged and said he never really checked into it. Since then i have continued to check and hes on it almost everyday! Very recently, i found he has been chatting with one girl often and asked for her e-mail. Im pretty sure its a girl he would never meet. But should i feel hurt that hes checking out these women, or let alone e-mailing them. Im hurt he kind of lied to begin with, but now im upset about who hes chatting with. Do i have a right to worry? am i just paranoid? Why is he hiding it?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Well good for you, you handled the situation very maturely but just make sure that he doesnt think you are a push over, tell him he needs to work on building up his trust again.
I understand we all get crushes even when we are in relationships but he acted on his. You cant just let him of the hook because it will go further the next time if you do. Hopefully he realises he hurt you, and at least he had the guts to be honest with you eventually so i guess he should get credit for that. I wish you all the best in the future.
A
female
reader, hotinlove +, writes (15 November 2010):
hotinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo my Agony Aunts, thank you for letting me vent, and thank you for helping me relize my feelings on this matter were not selfish. To provide an update, yes I told him flat out, I knew he was on formspring, and how much it hurt. It didnt hurt he was on it to begin with, it hurt that he wouldnt talk about it, and when i asked he pretended he didnt know. It felt like he had something to hide, and if i couldnt trust him with something so innocent as social networking, what else could he be doing?
He was man enough to admit, that yes the girl he was frequently chatting with he had developed a crush. (Sadly, i even understood that! I think it may even be slightly healthy to form little crushes, we have been together for almost 5 years. Im not dumb enough to think he has nvr thought of another woman. ) I explained how i was upset that what seemed to start off as a little harmless infatuation with a porn star, started to turn real. Before i knew it, he was listening to only music she liked, he wanted similar tattoos to hers the list goes on. And then he had her e-mail. Looking at porn is harmless looking...but it started to get too personal. I was scared.
He sat me down at the computer and showed me how he had shutdown his account the day before. I think he started to relise how unappropriate it became. I got what i asked for, him to stop being so emotionally attached to a porn star!
I hate this whole situation, girls and men for that fact are paid to do exactly that, paid to appeal to a certain part of our brains, where we want them, maybe even need them in some cases. So i understand how it was so easy for him to get hooked on her. But Maybe next time he will remember how much he hurt me over a simple crush that went too far. My concern then was....well he no longer has the account, but he does still have her e-mail! Im hoping hes smart enough to make sure the lines do not get crossed again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): Infidelity is not just "sex", it is a whole host of behaviors that constitute a "breach of trust".
This is what he is doing.
Yes, you need to be concerned.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 November 2010):
yes you do have a right to worry and be angry, ok so he might not have the intentions of meeting these girls but he is still lying to you and probably flirting with them online, i think you need to tell him what you found and that you are finding it hard to trust him, you have every right to have doubts because he is being secretive and lying to you, even though he is not physically cheating he is still emotionally cheating on you, he might think of it as a bit of harmless fun but it is upsetting you and its quite disrespectful
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