A
female
age
51-59,
*ennyB
writes:I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years married for 17 this year. He has served in the police all that time and over the years he has become more cold, unemotional towards me and my children, he criticizes everything i do and everything i say and the way i do or say things, I feel totally burdened in the home and lonely- we hardly ever have sex (his choice- we only have sex when i start things!).My children resent the way he is to us all espcially to me (they are 12 and 14)How can i make him see he is destroying us all, he wont face up to our problems,or talk to anyone or agree to counselling-help- i want to save my marriage Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): Penny, after reading your 2nd posting below, I won't beat around the bush. I can see that you have tried everything and he's not budging. Because he doesn't want to. He says he loves you..I don't think so. Love doesn't cause pain to the people we are closest to. You are very unhappy, end this marriage before it consumes you. Start looking after yourself here and I think it's time to see the 'writing on the wall." You are definitely being controlled, and likely allowed yourself to be controlled throughout much of this marriage - except now, you have gotten older, and you are experiencing the pain of watching your kids endure a father who is detached and cold. That must hurt. You need to finally say 'enough is enough' and get pissed off. Not to lash out at husband, but to give you the strength to accept the truth about what is happening in your marriage now, and how you are cooperating and tolerating it. The only way to attain a sense of peace and happiness...is to break free. I am sorry I have no other better advice for you, but there come a time when you just have to accept it as is and call' it a day'. Good luck, dear and be strong.
A
female
reader, PennyB +, writes (27 January 2007):
PennyB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your sensible answers, I was a nurse in london for 17 years so i too have seen and dealt with the most horrific things and if i cant understand my husbands job- no one can! All my friends and collegues use me as a shoulder to cry on- i have begged my husband to open up to me or one of his friends (he sees this as a weakness), all his family male and female are cold, unemotional and dont talk about anything! I had to help and counsel all the children and my father in law on the recent loss of my husbands mother a year ago- the matriarch of the whole family.
I have gone to marriage guidance but because of my husbands long hours and the cost of counselling (marriage guidance is £40 a session)it is a waste of time if he keeps bailing out due to work commitments.
I have tried walking away, being quiet and obviously upset and the mad ranting raving angry hurt angle- it all falls on deaf ears, he thinks (and this applies to everything in his life) if he doesnt talk it through it will go away and dissappear- i have told him that it will only be ten times worse- he just casually quips that he does love me and i shouldnt be so sensitive- his own sister has told us both we should get divorced (not the most helpful comment)HElp!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): Hi Penny--In a lot of instances, being married to a police officer isn't easy and I feel for you. Marriage can change when one spouse has a demanding job. My father was an police officer for over 30 years, and there were days when the stresses of his work, spilled over into our family life. My Mother was a tough cookie-she used to say "John, before you walk in this door, you get back outside and hang your cop hat up, out there" It was her way of telling him, that under no circumstances was he to bring the job home with him. She set boundaries and reminded him that family was precious and deserved to be cherished. She was wise and he listened! lol
Hun, a police officer sees the seedy, underbelly of life every day in their work. Not sure if your husband has a desk job or is on active duty, but police officers are constantly on alert. They see and experience horrors we can't even imagine. Some police men have it in perspective and can shake it off at the end of the day, Some can't. It takes an iron stomach and outstanding strong mind, to be a police officer.. But, the divorce rates are high with polices officers and their marriages. Because, being in this line of work can and will change some of them.
I can't assume that in your case, your marriage troubles are job related or if your marriage has just hit a wall, on the personal level or maybe a combination of both. Only you know that. A marriage is a partnership, between two people so neither of you can take more than 50% responsibility for what's happening right now. Yet you say you want to save this marriage so it means you love him a lot. So what could you do about this? Well, we know we can't change people but we can help to enlighten them. Right now, you don't know how to do that. The only way you can make things better is to makes changes to yourself. Become more confident, stronger, wiser and tell him-you are going to marriage counseling to learn how you can help this marriage. Invite him along. If he won't agree to counseling, then go yourself because you need to learn how this family can be repaired. Go on your own. Do it for all of you, including your sons. Your sons need to grow up loving their Dad...not despising him. So seek some support, just to gain insightfulness and advice on how to deal with all this.
However, I feel marriage is a mutual state of lovingness where both need to give totally to each other. You husband has forgotten that. He needs to be reminded. He's obviously shutting you all, out of his life. He some troubles himself but he's not seeing it. And blaming in a marriage never works as few people take to criticisms well. It gets a person nowhere. I have a suggestion. For him to be acting this way..the trust and respect in this marriage has been shaken. Can you ask him what he needs from you, to feel valued and loved. Once you get him talking, then this might be the time to let him know what you need to feel valued. It's a compromise, it's negotiation-it's big start but someone has to start the ball rolling. Can it be you? Discuss this calmly and rationally. For more on making yourself visible and a part of his life and gaining his emotional support--why not talk things through with a counselor? It's a positive start and it could mean also mean the healing of this relationship between your husband and his sons. Those boys need their Dad's love and support more than anything. Be strong, dear and I hope it all works out for you.
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