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*una~
writes:I had a causal talk with my boyfriend yesterday. We are in a serious relationship and are planning to buy a house and move in together some time this year. We talked about how men are annoyed at women when they complain about the slightest things, and some women’s expectation for men is something men don’t even consider important. It was a nice conversation until he begins to say after his ex-wife, there are a lot of things he refused to put up with. I know my boyfriend can see I’m very different than his ex-wife. I’m a very reasonable person. I don’t scream and yell when I’m angry; I don’t order my boyfriend to do my stuff. However, I was very upset when I hear him say he is different after his ex-wife and there’s nothing I can do to change him. I didn’t tell him that yesterday. I’m not sure what I’m upset about. I just feel like it’s not fair to me just because he had been though a lot with his ex-wife. We’re still a very young couple (23/25). The fact he got divorced and had a kid made it very hard for me to deal with sometimes. I love my boyfriend dearly and will not let his past relationship stop me from loving him. However, I’m afraid in the long run, I might be facing lots of upset situations that it’s not even my bf’s fault, just his past relationship taught him to be how he is. Is there anything I can do to help this situation?
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female
reader, peppersalt  +, writes (11 April 2007):
From what I gather, the only way his ex relationship has changed him is that he won't put up with that kinda crap (nagging, ordering around) anymore. And this is a good thing! You're not gonna try any of that stuff, right? Well he's just more assertive. Don't let his past relationship sour yours. You're together, he loves you, and the only way he's changed is to not take crap anymore. Which you aren't gonna give. So everything's peachy.
No one can help past relationships changing them. You might not have liked the guy he was before his last relationship. You like the one you're with now. Enjoy it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): Hi Yuna. ChiRaven gives good advice and I'dlike to add some comments. Dear, you have chosen to love a man who has some baggage from a divorce. This is just who he is. When people face challenges and struggles in their life, their worldview changes them. This happens to all people. Some of us mature and become better people. Some of become more patient, understanding while others become more embittered. You and your bf are young and have many miles to go in your future where the two of you will grow and create a good existence together. So why are you mourning what you could've had when the way he is now, is all you have known him to be? The best you can do at this point is accept him the way he is now, quirks, foibles and all. And when all these 'upsets' occur, deal with them as a couple, one step at a time. There isnothing you can do except coming short of saying to him "I don't like who you are, so I am leaving'. Respect him, trust him and when challenges hit your relationship...set boundaries. But you will not be able to change him. If you try, then that is unhealthy and disrespectful, you will bordering on being 'controlling'. All you can do, is tell him your opinions, your slant and viewpoints on things that occur. Then it is up to him to decide if he agrees or disagrees with you. Sono, there is nothing you can do. Just deal with challenges as they pop into your relationship. Don't dwell on this..be positive, be loving and giving. This is what he'll take note about you and maybe your kindness and patience will be a good, influence on him. Good luck, dear.
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female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (10 April 2007):
 yeah firstly you can tell him to get out of his 'typical man' state and see you for the woman you are and not see you as another 'annoying wife'. seems to me that this woman has tried to change him and he has relaised it with being with a laid back person with you and he might be upset at the fact you will want him to change for your own personal liking. tell him straight, maybe whilst your cuddling on the sofa or in bed and whisper that you dont want him to ever change and believe me it will really cheer him up. It will make him feel more confident in opening up his true self to you without the worry that you wont like things. Also because your moving in he might be a little afraid of the personel space situation everyone has but you just have to reassure him that just because your getting a house together doesnt mean you want to rush into marriage also. His ex might have give him a hard time about alot of things so i think you should ask him what things she got upset about so then you know what will upset him and what areas to avoid not to upset him. Give him lots of time, not on his own but not nagging him about things and talk to him. the best way to get things across is to talk. sit him down and tell him that your not his ex wife and you dont want that image that hes leading you as. Tell him straight that whatever dislikes you have about each others actions you can resolve like adults and not scream at each other. Hope this helps x
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male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (10 April 2007):
 Love him. Let him see over time that you are NOT his ex, and that in fact you are nothing LIKE his ex. He will always carry the scars of a bad relationship with him, but you can help him make sure that those scars don't poison your new relationship with him.
For now, just accept the fact that there WILL be these raw spots in his character that you need to be aware of and that you need to avoid hurting. In time he will begin to see that you are not a threat to him in these areas, and will come to love you more deeply for having given him the room that he needed to allow those scars to heal.
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