A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know there are a lot of pleas for help on how not to be so lonely and how to make more friends but here is mine, another to add to the list!The only time when I feel comfortable and I can truly be myself (whoever that is) is when I am with my family or 2 of my friends whom I have known for years. Other than that, I find it so hard to interact with people. I always get the impression that people think I’m a bit of an oddball and I find it difficult to make conversation. Sometimes I try to say something to join in a conversation, but most of the time I just feel stupid for trying. I mostly keep quiet as I think, if I have nothing interesting to say, then it is not worth bothering. That therefore puts me in a box as a person who is boring and uninteresting. This was the case all through school and whatever hope of it changing went down the drain after I got to uni. It really gets me down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like an awkward duck. I have been told before that I am too uptight and don't know how to let go and enjoy life. All true, but I just can't, there is nothing inside me letting me. I feel as though life is passing me by and I'm just standing still.I am in my first year of university and pulled a short straw on accommodation; I began living with 8 other girls- 2 Chinese, a Russian, a Japanese, and 4 other English girls. The foreign girls didn't, and still don't, talk or make conversation however hard I have tried (in my own way), and by Christmas 4 of the girls had moved out. It's very quiet here and it doesn't help that I was dreading coming to uni anyway. I have heard of other flats that cook together and go out clubbing or to bars. I have made a few sort-of friends but they don't go out much and many have boyfriends so don't really want to branch out to make other friends. I therefore spend a lot of time alone, which I don't detest, as I don't mind my own company, but just wish it didn't happen with such regularity.It feels as though it will never get easier and I'll never have a good relationship with someone/people when you are totally comfortable and happy. I haven't had a girly giggle over nothing in so long and just hope that it won't always be like this. How long can someone survive when loneliness consumes them? But then I think that it won't happen when I feel like this because I will seem desperate and on it goes, a vicious circle much?! I've never had a boyfriend (no wonder really) and I just don't think it’s in the cards for me. I wish I had the closeness and love with someone that comes with such a relationship but how can I open myself to someone else when I’m not comfortable with who I am? I read a lot of romance books, and I mean ALOT! With life and all its uncertainty (and awkwardness in my case) I just love the guaranteed happy ending. I like to think that if I can't have one then its nice to read about people who can (albeit fictional ones).It doesn't help that I have a sister who is the definition of the word 'success'. She has great grades, an awesome boyfriend, so many friends who she can just openly chat with and have a laugh. I'm a pro at putting on a brave face and acting like life is peachy but it's not. Not at all.Sorry I have rambled on for so long. Thank you for taking time to read this :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 March 2011):
 You are only lonely because you are making sure you stay that way, you are doing nothing to make things happen in your life. It sounds like you expected to go to uni then suddenly you would have loads of friends and it would be problem solved. But life doesnt work that way - you need to take it upon yourself to sort your own life out!
Get your head out of those books, they are only setting yourself up to be disappointed with a real life relationship. Reading is great, romance novels are AWFUL and damage you significantly. You have never had a boyfriend, so your own experience of love and relationships is through books - therefore whether you admit it or not, you will expect a real relationship to follow a similar route to that what you read about in those novels. But relationships are NOTHING like what you see in films or read in books, so the more you read the more you are going to struggle in life. Read any other genre but romance!
Next - get out there and start living life! So your living situation is not the best for friendship, there are plenty of other avenues to find friends and meet new people. What about your uni course? Have you got any friends there? If not - just sit next to someone and strike up a conversation about that topic you are studying. You are only in your first year, you have plenty of time to still make friends and meet people as you are all new to uni and still finding your feet.
How about societies at uni? Have you joined any? There are SO many different societies there will be one you are interested in, maybe even a book club or that sort of thing? That way you get to meet people that share similar interests to you, so you will always have something to talk about!
What about hobbies? Do you have any other than reading? Like sports? Or music? There must be something that interests you, so why not join a club or take classes in something that you enjoy and this will a) broaden your experiences so you have interesting things to talk about, and b) you get to meet new people at the same time.
This is a great one - do you have a part time job? This is the ideal way to meet new people and earn some money at the same time! You have to talk to colleauges as part of the job so eventually you will get to know people through that. You could work in a bar (very social and good fun), book store, shop.....the possibilities are endless.
Have you thought about volunteering or some work experience? There are plenty of places to volunteer, and some places even offer work experience so it would be a chance for you to do some work in an environment where you are interested in working in the future.
This might not be up your street but have you thought about online dating? This is a great way to meet guys if you struggle to meet people in your day to day life. I used it when I moved to a new area and didnt really know anyone, and it meant I met a lovely guy and we have been together a year and half now. It also will improve your social skills - you cannot just sit there and be silent on a date, you actually have to engage in a conversation so this will help you. It might feel uncomfortable - but it will help! You can try a site like Match.com for free to have a look around, and then you can sign up a month at a time if you dont want to committ to it for long. It is a great way of meeting guys, plus you get out of the house and on a few dates which is always fun!
There are so many ways for you to improve your life and make friends, you just need to make the effort to get out there and take some action. You are responsible for your own happiness, and you are letting life pass you by right now. You are wallowing in self pity wondering how long it will feel like this, when you could be doing something about it! People who are busy and have an active social life make that happen - it doesnt just happen to them because they are lucky or in the right place at the right time.
So do some research online about what you can start doing in your area, and then do it! You wont have loads of friends overnight, but with time and patience, and a lot of effort - you will feel much better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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