A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After more than 20 years of a bad marriage, I had an affair with a colleague at a conference. We had known each other for about 15 years, but both of us were in unhappy relationships. My husband Bill had traveled for his job and had numerous affairs. He lost his job as of 911, and 5 years later he is still not working. I got an advanced degree, and started my own business during this time, because my company also went out of business. At first, Bill was ok with my relationship with John, and he ended up having an affair with John's wife. This happy foursome went on until last year, when Bill suddenly decided he wanted out. Well I have not wanted out; in fact, I know now that I have found my soulmate. John and his wife live about 2 hours away; all 4 of us use to get together in the condo they bought for our tyrsts about an hour away. Now I only see John when we get together for meetings, and it is killing us. We use to vacation together and stay at the condo at least once a month. Bill has not wanted to work, nor has our relationship improved. In fact, the physical abuse has gotten worse. I don't want to necessarily throw him out, but I do want to continue my relationship with John. He wants me to disavow John to work on our marriage. The only thing keeping me married is our youngest child (14) is still at home. Both of us are not ready to divorce yet, but life is miserable for everyone involved. Any ideas on how to proceed?
View related questions:
affair, divorce, lost his job, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, babye2007 +, writes (11 March 2007):
Sounds to me like everybody wants to have their cake and eat it too. You want John, John wants you, Bill wanted John's wife, now he doesn't anymore and now Bill wants you too. Yet in all this mess, nobody wants a divorce. None of you can have it both ways. You and Bill need to sit down and dissect your marriage from top to bottom and figure out what drove you apart in the first place. Similarly, John and his wife need to do the same thing. During this time of analysis, you should not be in contact with John because you don't want to live with the regret that you ended your marriage based on a possible fantasy. You never said what drove John's wife into Bill's arms. Once you discover what drove you apart, then you can decide if the problems can be fixed and reconciliation can happen, or if the relationship is so far gone that it's irrepairable. Whatever the final outcome, it should not be because you want John so badly that you ended your marriage. Adultery (Bill's numerous affairs) is grounds enough by itself to end things, but you have to decide together what's best and once you make a decision, stick to it and move forward. If it so happens that you and Bill decide to end things (and not because of John) and John and his wife decide to end things (and not because of you), be prepared that you and John still may not end up together. You may realize that you're not the tantalizing fruit to each other that you once were while you were with your respective spouses.
|
