A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. I just really wanted to get some stuff off my chest. I'm a 16 year old closeted guy and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been sad and depressed for the past 3-4 years, and I've tried my hardest to cope with it. But when does the whole 'it gets better" thing kick? And the fact that I'm gay isn't even reason why I'm like this, it's only part of it. I miss the old days when i was a little kid, and care free. My life was never great but those were the times i was genuinely happy. I guess I was never a normal kid, I was/am very independent and I feel like I've/am been deprived of a lot of things in life. I just feel so lonely and desolate all the time. I don't have any real friends, yes I have a lot of friends but most are fake and only use me when they need me. And none of those friends cross school grounds. After being alone and depressed for all these years, i want to be around people but at the same time I don't. But I think that's only because I can't be myself 100% with them. So I've been pretty distant and antisocial. It's even worse because I don't get along with my parents, so I basically gave up trying with them around when my depression started. So I'm basically on my own every day, I barely speak a word...and it's driving me crazy. My family is not wealthy like most, so we never get the pleasure of going to expensive trips or vacations and things like that. And I'm not complaining because things like that don't really matter to me but it would be nice to have a nice summer/spring break/vacation for once. But of course I'm stuck in my house all summer, never leaving the house(only when I volunteer and go to church), being miserable and drowning in my own pity until school (hell) starts again. I hate this routine. I tried getting a job so maybe I would be making my own money and maybe actually meet genuine people that would care about me...but no one is hiring. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like all my life...I've been handed shit. What did I do to deserve all these things that are happening? Did I upset got in a past life. I seriously think that I'm cursed. Anyway i just wanted to vent to someone.. and maybe I could some wise words from people who are more experienced in life. Thank you and sorry for typing up a novel for you to read.
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female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (14 July 2011):
I used to think and feel like you did. Everyone may be obsessed with youth these days but I wouldn't go back to my teens if someone paid me. Your age group is really the hardest time, you have to go to school and spend time with some immature people you really don't like but it does get easier. After school ends you do hobbies that interest you and spend time with people you have things in common with. If you meet people you don't get on or do something you don't enjoy with you can just move onto something else.
I know I vehemently denied it at he time but looking back part of it was hormonal, I did have extreme reactions to things that I now shrug off.
Something that I found helped after years of feeling like you do was positive thinking. Even if you don't totally believe what you're saying, it helps prevent you spiralling into deep depression. Then once you're feeling more stable you can make changes to your life. So for example instead of thinking "I've been handed shit" think "I've been given a challenge and I'm going to rise to it". Or instead of "drowning in my own pity until school (hell) starts again" think "I've only got a short time left at school before I can leave and do my own thing".
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 July 2011):
 p.s. I write novels too, so don't feel bad!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 July 2011):
Not a novel, so no worries there! :o)
You do sound depressed. And that's a clinical thing, not a YOU thing entirely. So don't think that this is just your life, you're stuck with it, that sucks. Part of this can be fixed with the right therapist. You may have to try a few to land on the right one - don't get discouraged if one doesn't fit right. It's like shopping for jeans, a total pain in the ass until you find that one miraculous pair that makes you look like Adonis.
I think your struggle is one that a lot of other GLBT folks have gone through at the beginning of their lives. You've got approximately 60-70 years left to go, so don't think it's over yet. That's what the whole "it gets better" thing is all about... you've only been through a few of your years, you've got a whole lot left to go through and it does get better.
You will learn to surround yourself with the right people and right vibes, you will find a comfortable and happy place. High school is rough. Honestly, the closest friends I have now are not the ones I had in HS, and I'm only 24. You will find the right group of wonderful people to surround yourself with, and it will get better. You may not believe it, but in a few years you won't believe that you went through all you're going through now. I swear it, it's true. Life keeps moving on. You'll climb upwards, no matter how rough the climb.
As for having lame vacation, well - I don't come from a rich family either. Not even remotely close. And I've had some lame, go-nowhere-do-nothing vacations. But as I've found, the trick is to surround yourself with new, cheap activitis where you can meet new people. I always recommend theater - it's a great place to meet awesome people, there is plenty to do (acting, tech stuff, ushering), and maybe you'll like it! Get involved with new stuff, force yourself to try new things and explore the town you're in. Even if it's really small, there are different opportunities lurking out there. Maybe it's not a glitzy vacation, but it's something and a chance to meet some friends that you don't even know exist yet.
Life is rough. It goes up and down, it ebbs and flows, but eventually you'll get back to the top of the trough and life will stop delving you "shit". I believe that life is what you make of it. If you approach it with a "I will find whatever good is here, and I will revel in it" attitude, the goodness will follow. So, I would a) know that this could be clinical and just the way you're brain works, b) put yourself out there and try things you never imagined trying before and c) force yourself to weed out the good aspects of whatever you're doing.
Finally, remember: life goes on. You won't be in this zone forever. And trite as it is, as much as you've heard it - it does get better. Life moves on, you get older, you'll have all kinds of experiences and meet people you would have never expected. That's life! Good luck, sweet!
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