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age
36-40,
writes: Is there life after anorexia? Is there even an after? Is it ever really over? Well, it has been a year since I started down the road of recovery, and I am now physically healed, so I guess this must be the “after” part.It was hard. It is still hard, every single day. I recovered physically very nicely. No long term damage. I was lucky. The weight went on at a gradual pace, and everything else corrected itself. It was such a relief when the terrible chest pains went, and when my pulse went back to a normal rate. Okay, so my blood pressure is still a little low, but then it always has been. At least it has improved. Being able to sit and lie down without wanting to cry from the discomfort is also welcome. Yes, there have been benefits in becoming healthier. Trying to get used to having periods again though...that was difficult. For me, it symbolised a return to health, to being a woman, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Seeing my body changing, becoming curvier...you know what? It felt just like going through puberty all over again. It took a while to get used to what was happening. And it was most upsetting when I realised I had to buy new clothes, as my old ones no longer fit. Again, it represented a turning point. It made it more real. I couldn’t deny what was happening.And now the physical healing is done. I am better. I am healthy. People tell me I look “well”. But as for the rest of it, it isn’t over. The psychological healing is still an ongoing process, and it is up and down. Yes, again things there have improved. I am less concerned about the nutritional content of everything. I am able to eat a wider variety of foods. I can concentrate on other things, because I am not starving all of the time. All positive things. But there are still a lot of things which hold me back, which keep me locked up in the chains of anorexia.I am still pretty rigid about what times I eat and drink. I still feel terribly guilty about eating, like I shouldn’t eat, shouldn’t need to. Food still dominates all of my life, most of my thoughts. It is a stress factor, not something enjoyable. I feel like I still have a long, long way to go.The hardest part is staying on track. There is always this voice in my head, whispering to me, telling me how easy it would be to stop eating, to go back to how I was before. And I want to. I so badly want to, it is so tempting. Why? Why would I want to go back down that road again? After all this way, after all this struggle? I’m not sure really. Or maybe I do know. But I don’t like the reasons why. I think they are selfish reasons. Is it me, or is it the anorexia talking? I hope it isn’t me. But I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to try and cope with. I have been through so much. Abuse, depression, anxiety, loss, isolation, pain, pain, and more pain...but they are nothing compared to this. I mean, all those other things, I can talk about them rationally. I can discuss them. I can try and support other people going through those things. But this...this anorexia...it is still too raw to talk about. And no, I am sorry, but I cannot help people going through the same. I have been asked before if I would join some support groups and try and help people recover. If I would talk to other people struggling with anorexia, and help them. But no, no, I can’t, I’m sorry but I can’t. Do you know what I hate the most? The jealousy. The competitiveness. I have never really considered myself an envious person, but this eating disorder brings it out of me. Brings out a side I never knew was there, a side I wish wasn’t there. A side I am ashamed to admit is true, is real. I look at people who are thinner than me, and I wish it was me. When I have tried to join anorexia support groups, and I read about how others are struggling, I do feel sorry for them. And I wish I could help them. But I also want to beat them, to do better than them. If someone has stopped eating, I want to stop eating too. I want to lose more weight than them, become more unwell than them. I envy and resent the attention they receive, and think it should be me... It is terrible, it is awful I know, and I hate myself for it. I wish I knew where it comes from, this darkness, but I don’t know. Just please say it is the anorexia. Please say it isn’t me...If people around me are not eating, I don’t want to eat either. It feels sort of like peer pressure. It is so difficult to try and switch off, to ignore what other people may be doing, and stay on the right track. So, so hard. And the thoughts...ah, the thoughts are never ending, non-stop. Would people like me better if I was thinner? Would I be a better person? Would I be more attractive? Am I hideous now? I am still trying to find a way to make that voice shut up. To free myself from the chains. And it is every day, all the time, never stopping for a moment. A constant battle, of which I am not certain of winning. So I am physically recovered. But psychologically, there is still a long way to go. It feels like just the beginning. To anyone out there who may be thinking of going down this road, of stopping eating to lose weight...please, please reconsider. It can seem glamorous, especially with celebrities hardly eating nowadays. It is hard when people talk endlessly about needing to lose weight. When people may comment on how you look. It can seem like such an easy fix. Just don’t eat, and all will be well. Wrong. It never stops. You think you will lose weight, become really slim, and then your life can start better than before. Then you can really live and be happy because you will be thin. Your relationships will be better, you will have more confidence, everything will fall into place. No. You will lose your confidence, your relationships will suffer, your health will decline, and you will never reach that point you want. It will never be enough. And somewhere along the way, you will lose your freedom, yourself, and your life. Maybe you won’t literally lose your life, but in every other way you will. Anorexia will take everything, until it controls your every thought and movement. You will be trapped. You will have nothing.If you think you need to lose weight, or would like to lose weight, then I advise you to see your doctor or nurse, and find out how to do so healthily. But don’t try going down this route. Even if you are lucky like me and physically recover from it, the mental scars will last. Just look at what I have told you. If it sounds like fun, then I haven’t explained this properly. So please do be careful. I am still looking for a way out. The day that I do will be a day of celebration, and something I would share with the world. But until then, the fight continues...
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female
reader, georgiexx  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 My best friend is anorexic. We thought she was getting better and everything was settling down, she was so much happier and things were less strained, she's just told me that she's not eating again and its killing me. I know how quickly she plummeted last time and I'm terrified for her that she'll lose her fight this time, it was really touch and go last time and she had absolutely no control over it, the mental disease took over and she couldn't eat as much as she wanted to. She came back to us eventually but as you said it's too easy to fall back. I can relate to everything you said, but specifically how people change when they're ill, they aren't them, at some times I couldn't believe that the person I was talking to was the same person as I'd known beforehand. Not just physically but the way she spoke, her mannerisms, her concerns were no longer rational or normal, it was her disease talking. She became competitive and more spiteful, and although I stood by her throughout and loved her to pieces it was hard to accept the monster within, the beast that was consuming her every thought. It's such a cruel disease and I pray every day that the world will change, that people will realise that this isn't living! That finally the pressures will be gone, there will be life beyond anorexia for everyone who has suffered with it directly and indirectly. I know from the outside looking in its the most terrifying thing, the person you love killing themself, hating themself so much that they can't look at themself in the mirror, staving themselves because they are certain this will make things better, things will fall into place. I know beforehand I'd begun to think like that, if only I lost some weight I'd have better relationships, I'd be confident, I could go off to university and fit in better. But weight isn't the problem, those feelings of self doubt are purely psychological. That's what ultimately needs to change, before there can be a cultural change we have to start loving ourselves, we have to learn to block out those horrible feelings that we all face at some point, society needs to realise the effects it is having on particularly the young people of the world, our generation, a generation who is being brought up in a world where we are taught that image is everything, confidence is vital and a world where young girls and boys are trying to kill themselves in the persuit of happiness! There needs to be a change, you need to realise how beautiful you really are! That inner confidence isn't found in getting into a pair of size 2 jeans, confidence is learning to love yourself for who you are. You are amazing and wonderful and gorgeous, stop trying to improve on perfection. Laugh, love and smile because we have one chance on this earth, make the most of it because some people can't! You are loved, don't forget it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice! I actually do find it easier to eat when I'm with people who have a healthy attitude towards food and weight, so you're right about that. Thanks! :-)
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female
reader, tearsbehindhappiness  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Thanks samantha I'll try to do less of that from now on.......heres a key to keeping stay away from anorexia always eat with a group of friends who are happy, funny, and not overly skinny. Being extremely slim is not beauty god given females curves because its beautiful most men will prefer a coke bottle than a stick any day remember that your body is beautiful and a work of art and food is damn yummy lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi tearsbehindhappiness. I don't know much about bulimia, but I think if you are making yourself sick, there is something not quite right. Even if it is, as you say, usually once a day, that is still once to often! And it doesn't matter what you weigh, anybody can have an eating disorder. Whether you are really slim or not, it makes no difference.
It may not be full-blown out of control bulimia yet, but I think it has the potential to become something more if it gets out of hand. I had problems for many years, and it was only after much time that it became serious. Also, I think we can tend to believe there is not really anything wrong with us, and that we are in control, when really that is not the case. So maybe it might be worth speaking to someone about it, like a doctor or family member or someone?
I am sorry you are experiencing this difficulty, even if it doesn't seem that bad to you at the moment. I hope it doesn't become more difficult for you, but if it does then don't be afraid to reach out for help. x
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reader, tearsbehindhappiness +, writes (12 July 2010):
I don't know if I'm considered to be bulimic everytime i over eat i need to use the finger :( but it doesnt happen every time i eat i'd say at lease once a day and this has been going on 3 years now on n off. I think its not bulimia since i'm not like really skinny or i don't obsess over it unless i over eat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you bbygirl91803. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with bullimia. Although I have not experienced that myself, I know how difficult and lonely these eating disorders can be. I really hope you have people around you who can help and support you through your struggle. Don't give up, and I wish you luck too. x
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female
reader, bbygirl91803 +, writes (5 April 2010):
i know how you feel for me myself have became part of that road the only thing is that I'm bulimic, and sometimes when i eat i feel so fat that i run to restroom well enough of me i hope that your Celebration comes and when that day comes i hope that everyone who helped you well be there. i wish you the best of luck in your battle, and god bless you. =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comment. I understand what you are saying, but it is a very complex thing to deal with. Like depression, for instance. If somebody is depressed, it is a mental illness which is very difficult to overcome. Sometimes therapy or medication may be needed. Thinking about all the wonderful things they have in their life, all the things they should be grateful for, and how there are people out there in worse situations, won't really help, because the problem is too deep and complicated for that. Likewise, I know we should be grateful that there is food available, and I do feel guilty at the thoughts I have. But it is very hard, in fact impossible, to make them stop.
And I do apologise if this article makes me seem like I am obsessing over this issue. I do have some wonderful things in my life which I see as gifts, and I know I am lucky. I do have other things going for me. I don't mean to go on about this struggle with eating, or bring anyone down. My intention with this article, like with my other articles, was to try and reach out to other people who may be going through something similar. My intention here is not to be negative, but to help. It may not be for everyone, it may not apply to many people, but if it could help even just one person then I think it was worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): You should try to think about the kids in Africa, in Haiti, in every third world country, that DON'T have a choice whether they can eat or not. These people are truly starving. Maybe that can make you stop obsessing over this.
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