A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why are all women the same? The past six girls I've dated have left me short changed metaphorically. It's constantly something that's wrong which leads them to just use me then leave. I do all the right things that I believe should be done as a man but it's still not enough. Being thoughtful, loving, caring, considerate and motivating is not enough for these girls in this century. It's put me in a state of self hate in which I want to be become the one who uses and hurts others. One girl even told me she liked another guy instead of me because he smoked and was a drinker, which she found intriguing because she never dated anyone like that before. I'm already 25 years old and one of the only one in my group of friends who seems to have such horrible experiences with women despite me being the one with the best education, jobs, health, and stab ability. I'm getting to old to be waiting like so many put it for the one to show up. Dating is bad for my generation because there are so many single women with kids it's hard to find those without especially for as the years goes by. I couldn't even enjoy my teenager years sexually because I was too busy being used by girls. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at but I just don't want to be the guy who ends up with someone out of desperation and be unsatisfied sexually ,and emotionally. I'm just so disappointed in women who are liars and hypocrites.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): My young friend, I understood your comments from the very start. It's the frustration one gets when they've listened to what a majority of women claim they want in a man; but then when they get it, they don't seem all that interested.
It comes from that same place in their imagination where knights in shining armor, soulmates, and Mr. Right is created. Images of perfect men to give them perfect romantic lives. Shower them with gifts, shopping-sprees, diamonds, and a big home in the suburbs. Men have created their answer to this. Porn actresses.
Many girls and women have issues with their own self-esteem, and need validation as to how pretty they are. They want to know how they compare to other females in the eyes of men and boys. If they have to fear competition; because they don't measure-up to "male-standards of beauty and sexiness." These are women who usually grew-up in households without a solid and reliable male figure. Abuse, dysfunction, or lives void of positive male role models. They date guys just like their no-good absentee dads; or the sperm-donors who gave them their last name, but never showed them what a good man is really like. Maybe they have great dads, and bring home some loser with a sordid past and a jail record; claiming they adore him, and how they've changed him with love. While their parents gasp in total shock! The total opposite of whatever they ever hoped for their beloved daughter!
I think you became defensive because you thought I was accusing you of being superficial and shallow. That wasn't the case. Like most young people, we have to learn as we grow.
I wanted to know what type of women you are meeting that are all liars and hypocrites. It seems the vast majority of the women that I know, and have known; are decent loving people looking for love and generously spreading it around. Just like you are. They range in looks, but those I know best are attractive and independent. Good mothers, wives, wonderful sisters, bosses, and companions. What shark tank are you swimming in?
Of course you are going to meet a lot of poor representatives of the feminine gender; but that's what dating is all about. You get to sample all types; but you can't just set an inflexible standard, mostly based on looks. Questionably claiming you want educated, ambitious women with a lot going for themselves. The truth is, you're searching with your eyes and letting your dick do all the thinking.
You get played. Seriously, dude?!! Who in the dating game doesn't get played sooner or later? They start to see how you're judging them and being critical of their faults.
So once they're insulted and scorned by your self-righteous and egotistical distorted perceptions; they give you the business, then dump you. It goes two ways. You may not be as much of a catch and a prize to women as you may think.
A few recognized that. If you rant like you did here, surely your frustrations got the better of you, and you expressed the same disdain directly to them. Or, made subtle implications against their character that they read loud and clear.
Women read between the lines very well; or they are good at adding two and two, and getting six. Their intuition is uncanny. Truth is, you got out-smarted and played; because you think you're more of a prize to women and god's gift. They beat you to the punch.
Cool your jets. Stop setting beauty at the top of the list of criteria; because women know when that's your main objective. To find yourself a trophy, when you're not quite that experienced; or as hot of a catch as you may feel you are. I'm not taking wind out your sails. I'm giving you another dose of reality. Stuff I've learned over the years, and rediscover everyday of my life. You'll never stop learning, if you're wise, and I am!
Why did you go ask silly questions that I would suggest you hunt down female rejects and losers? So if she's not beautiful and successful, that's all that's left? Come on!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the late reply but I've taken sometime to reread everyone's post and to just think things over. I really don't know what I'm going to do next. Some days I'm okay but others I just feel dreadful of the future. If I end up alone for the rest of my life then I guess it was meant to be. I'm tired of trying right now. Thanks for everybody's input though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): There are a lot of women out there very ready to fixate on a good looking guy but they generally, especially internet conquests are looking for a meal ticket in the long run.Ive seen women act very forwards to titillate a man for a conquest but they disappear when there are bills to be paid, dishes to be put in the dishwasher and clothes to be put in the drier.Im not saying thats the role of women because men have domestic chores too, but when the makeup goes on they want to be paid for..some will even go into the sex trade ..but thats just the seamy side of life.If youve clawed yourself up from your damned grass roots then you want a woman with the same capacity so that you can spark off her.Well somewhere out there is a woman who is very similar to you and wants someone who can respect her aspirations and achievements.While you are looking for each other you could go on singles holidays or volunteer stuff as thats where a smart woman would go to unwind.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): Asking men to "stop focusing on only the most attractive women" is like asking women to "stop focusing on only the sexy men with good careers."
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2015):
 You've got some emotional baggage that wasn't entirely created by girls. Some was your upbringing, which despite the religious words, instills some "better than the world" elitism mixed with lots of fear and self-hate and self-doubt. You don't hate yourself, hence your break away from the conditioning, but it's hard to shed the baggage.
There *is* no "THE ONE". There's only people you feel right about. Life is painful, not fair, and full of risk. There will ALWAYS be people interested in you that you won't reciprocate, but your innate desire to SEEK women will cause you to gravitate towards those who may NOT be interested in you.
Your breakdown is that you feel that the "opening salvo" to a romantic relationship is in revealing your feelings. That's not always the best approach. You have the same approach as I do - I don't do one night stands either. However, find out about the girl and what she is interested in, and look for mutual connection rather than just hoping she accepts your feelings. Anyone who's ever worked on a project finds out how bonding it can be to accomplish something with a partner. Unfortunately, marriages are at risk the same way when morally bankrupt people fall for their co-workers or classmates and have affairs.
You have one HUGE disadvantage that I actually feel badly about - you work in an occupation that encourages the superficial, and you are NOT superficial. Luckily, you have time. I predict that you'll find someone through your interests, like hobbies or side projects.
The way you minimize being friend-zoned is to make it clear at the OUTSET of going out with a girl that you're interested in getting to know her on a romantic level instead of seeing her in a friend setting and hoping she responds to your hidden feelings for you. Many people do that, and while it may seem like a protective mechanism, it actually self-sabotages your efforts. The girls see you as a friend-zone, and you are forced to be on the sidelines getting pissed that they're going for who you see as LOSERS, and you have to sit and hear it.
Instead, be honest and if you're interested in someone, be brave and ask them out properly, FIRST being observant and gaining knowledge of who they are, so you can go on a date that may interest them.
You won't get used if you don't allow it, but that doesn't mean you talk yourself out of everyone! Everything you've said on here is as a defense mechanism caused by the first girl you dated. ALL of us have that story! My first? I thought he was so romantic, until I caught him IN THE ACT of cheating on me with his ex. It hurt worse than anything I had ever felt until that point. He ended up leaving her, trying to get back with me, and getting another girl pregnant. Now he's been married twice and has like 5 kids last I saw. No thank you!
You have time. You just need to take the risk, not be friend-zoned, and treat the feelings and chemistry like a dance rather than just outright telling her in a fit of frustration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo YouWish,
1. My longest relationship was about one year. It ended though when she had to move away.
2.Girls would get close to me but leave me for other guys. I listened to their problems but they just used me for the attention.
3.I was a late bloomer and started to become sexual at 22 when I had my longest relationship. I believe sex should be involved once a mutual trust on feelings is established in a stated relationship. I can't have one night stands, I have to be be emotionally involved to enjoy sex.
4.I have an associated degree in film, art, science, and applied science. I graduated from university with a bachelor's degree in business. Currently I work for a film company as an creative consultant and a large company as a manager.
5.I was sixteen in high school. I remember her being so beautiful, funny, and easy to talk with. It ended very badly, despite me telling her how I felt. She left for another guy and got pregnant.
6.I've worked my way up in the world and now looking at everything I don't want to be taken advantaged of. I'm afraid of being used.
7.Yes that is correct. The one girl I mentioned about liking that guy just made me question life. I cared for her so much but yet everything I did wasn't enough, the person I am she found undesirable.
8.I'm an atheist. I did grow up in a religious household but I was able to make my own choices. Also I'm straight edge.
9. All the girls that are actually interested in me are what I described, lazy, no goals, and just like to look pretty for the internet. I don't go looking for them, they look for me.
10.To be honest I don't automatically like anybody. All the girls I've been interested in I've gradually found to like them after knowing them for awhile. Love at first sight doesn't exist in my world. Gradually I just get feelings then tend to show and tell them. I don't become good friends with them either if that's what you are thinking, I just see them occasionally because of happenstance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2015):
Well, hold on for a minute. I saw your post earlier and debated on whether to jump in, and the fact that you're following up makes it worthwhile.
You didn't give me enough to go on here. The only thing I know is that you've uncovered a pattern. Think of it similar to the girl who seems to find and date every abusive jaw-breaker of a guy, and it's almost psychic how she seems to find them. In her case, the common denominator is her and what's attracting her to them.
So, I need to find out a couple of things here, and I'm going to number them. I hope you follow up with more information, which will shed light on where the pattern is so that I can dissect it to help you.
Here we go. There will be a lot of questions:
1. What was your longest relationship? You're 25, so how long did it last?
2. You mentioned that in your teenage years, you were "getting used" by women. What does "used" mean to you? How exactly did they use you?
3. You mentioned not being able to "be sexual" in your teens. Have you not yet become sexual at all? Or - when you have become sexual, at what point in a relationship do you feel that sex should play into it?
4. You were specific about you always having superior education, jobs and stability. Have you ever dated someone whose life track exceeded yours? What is your education level, job level, and major/career? That's a contextual significance.
5. How old were you when you were first in love?? What about her first stood out? How did it end?
6. Why do you feel that you're heading into "desperation"? What is it you're most afraid of besides settling for someone? Desperation is the one thing that can corrode the attraction process.
7. Was there a specific girl that caused you to write us today? Was she the one who mentioned dating a guy because he smokes and drinks?
8. Do you have a religious background? I ask that one because of the smoking and drinking thing. No, you don't have to be religious to refrain from vices, but I've seen many guys who come from the ultra-conservative religious background who flounder when they get out from under the "church bubble" and get emotionally chopped to bits.
9. You said that the majority of girls are lazy and stay home. Since you and I both know that it's not true, I need to know where you are LOOKING for girls, because if they always stay home, then you wouldn't know they exist. Where are you finding girls since high school??
10. What is your process for asking a girl out? Tell me your process when you see a girl you're interested in. Explain in detail your approach from the moment you spot her to what you choose to say to her to what you usually do on a first date.
Okay, that's all for now. I have more questions, but I won't blow up this post and put the other aunts to sleep. My advice to you is tending to come from some things I'm already seeing in your post, but you'd make it so much better if you can answer my diagnostic follow-up questions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify I was directing my "whatever" to my situation and myself, not to those who have answered.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 I don't see why I'm getting bashed for liking beautiful girls who have these attributes. Maybe I should just start dating girls who shoot up drugs and are alcoholics because that's what it seems like everyone is stating I should do.
ummm…not true and not fair, people are trying help give you insight to your problem and I do hope I have mis interpreted your " What ever" comment because that would be just rude to people that have given their time to listen to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): Youve made the mistake of thinking all women are the same and you are taking your thoughts down the well worn out bitterness track..Youve even concluded that you'll end up having to settle for someone unnattractive just to get,a bit of long term sex and stability.Well youve got it all wrong mate.Each and every person in the universe is different and you are looking for someone to match you.That means currently that you,are looking to find someone who would settle for less than they want in order not to be lonely ,to have someone to shag and some stability of reliability.But as you see this is the wrong angle to start from.Forget about your wish list and your bucket list,not to mention your bargain basement list.You need to like someone in a way that they like you.You need that hidden spark of joy when you interact together otherwise its just a whole load of door opening to get in someones drawers which is pretty dreary if theres nothing more to it than that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't mean to sound defensive but I'm not overly emotional, all I do is listen to them. They give these speeches about how they aren't like other girls and I fall for this BS every single time! The types of women I go for have college degrees, goals in life, and of course good looking. I don't see why I'm getting bashed for liking beautiful girls who have these attributes. Maybe I should just start dating girls who shoot up drugs and are alcoholics because that's what it seems like everyone is stating I should do. I'm frustrated as some of you put it because I'm always told I'm this perfect guy but yet nobody wants me. I will not settle for some lazy girl who sits at home all day just doing nothing. That's the majority of the women I come across and that type of person is garbage in my eyes because I had to work my way up from almost poverty level. I just ask too much of something that is suppose to be basic in this life which is common sense but whatever!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): Everyone chooses a mate according to their own criteria and list of attributes that they consider attractive. If you date primarily according to looks and visual appeal, you will overlook more important attributes like personality, character, and the things you share in-common. The most cynical people who come to this site for advice; are usually disappointed in their own choices. They fault everyone else, but never seem to consider why they continue to make the same mistakes; and continuously choose the wrong people. Most often, it's their own fault. You've dated six females, and all women are alike?
To cast all women into the same category as liars and hypocrites is ludicrous. Being so bitter at the age of 25 makes no sense at all. You've had a stretch of bad luck; as do everyone who has ever dated. The point of dating "different" people; is to learn about personalities and to establish what you are most compatible with. It also allows a variety of people into our lives and personal space who will contribute something positive to improve who we are; even if it really doesn't work out. We learn from each and ever person who has ever touched our lives for any significant amount of time. Something good or bad.
It takes trials and a weeding process to get to the best match. You're already frustrated and you really haven't had that much experience at all. Just a few ladies you've picked out that didn't work out. Welcome to adulthood and reality, young man.
Stick to it. You have to undergo this process of growth and experience. It changes and corrects "YOU!" Stop and think about what it is that you do over and over in picking the same kind of "liars and hypocrites." Why are they so attractive to you, that you keep finding them?
Maybe it is time you change your criteria and the type of women you approach. You never really buy the first pair of shoes or suit you try on. You often have to try on several pair or a few suits to find the perfect fit. Dating is the same way, my friend. You win some, you lose some. You have to do some introspection; and not just find fault with others. Maybe it has something to do with your personal taste in women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): Hey 25 isn't old, you have loads of time to find somebody. If these women are all the same maybe you are picking the wrong ones, there are many lovely women I know who are kind and generous and sweet. Do you maybe look for really attractive girls? then discount women who aren't quite so attractive but have lots of good personality traits. Where do you meet them? Have you met them while your out in bars or something?I agree with tranced, a a lot of women don't like a man that's overly emotional in the beginning. It's fine later on when you start falling in love and all that. But I once went on a date with a man who was overly emotional and a bit clingy and got in a bit of a mood with me because I couldn't see him after work everyday. He may have been a really kind and thoughtful but it was way too much at that stage.Don't put all your hopes into a relationship right at the start and try and relax about it. Keep it fun and don't give away too much at the beginning. You may be healthy and have a good job but personally I don't really care what job a guy has, I look after myself and don't need my boyfriend for money.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): Maybe its not all women just the ones you like to pick?! Try going for different types of women. This 'tarring all women with the same brush' thing is very unattractive. You talk about being 'old' at 25 and not being able to find anyone without kids. I am 27 I do not have kids I also do not consider myself 'old' . Your attitude seems a bit depressing to me and if that comes across to women- well it would certainly put me off.
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 September 2015):
I empathise with your situation however I consider myself and know many other woman that value traits of the kind of man you say you are, so we are not all the same. Yes I agree that there are the users and abusers but how much you let yourself be used and abused is,in part, something you need to be personally accountable. In other words, people only get away with what they are allowed too and perhaps look at what type of character of woman you seek.Is there a pattern, other than the obvious? If you are desperate perhaps this is clouding your judgment or resulting it unrealistic expectation. I dunno Im just asking. Being like minded and goal orientated is a good place to start. May I ask what it is exactly you feel they are lying to you and how they are being hypocritical? It's put me in a state of self hate in which I want to be become the one who uses and hurts others.Why would you wish to lower your self to a similar level as the very women you complain about? Becoming a relationship cynic will reek like a cheap perfume to any potential partners. Hardly worth them making an effort if your attitude stinks.Most people have experienced a few toad or toad' ettes before finding their prince/princess unfortunately thats life.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (13 September 2015):
 I get the sense youre too emotional with women generally and thats unattractive to them. Regardless of the reason they say they dont want a guy anymore theres always something the man did that made them lose attraction. Re evaluate yourself and suck it up. Forget the girl who went after the drinker and smoker shes probably in for a hell ride emotionally with her bad boy of choice.
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