A
female
age
41-50,
*eechi3
writes:Okay here's the deal. I am 25 years old who is dating a wonderful man (age 29) for a little under a year. Our relationship so far is going wonderfully however there are certain topics that make things very tense.The number of people my boyfriend has slept with is relatively high. I know that this isn't an uncommon thing however, he is friends with some of the girls he slept with or messed around with etc.....and you know what? This makes me feel really jealous. I honestly can help but feel weird and resentful when talking to or shaking the hand of his friend whom he's messed around with in the past. Even if he doesn't talk to them on the phone (let's say they e-mail of IM each other) or on a regular basis. I am still really judgmental of what a slut he was in the past. I use the term slut because if conducted the same behavior as him..that's what I would have been called too. No double standards allowed here!!!I don't agree with how frivolous he was with sex. I almost look down upon how desperate he was to get it. Maybe that's because in my own upbringing, I was taught to be a little more selective and reserved. You know that whole "my body is a temple" thing. :-) I guess what I'm seeking advice on is how do I not be so judgmental? He is such a nice guy who treats me very well...and he probably has a better handle of his sexuality than me (so it is part jealousy). I can rationalize why he did what he did in his past but how can I make myself feel better? It's that thought/feeling conflict that gets me every time. Help me let go!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (30 October 2008):
It does seem a shame that our primitive instincts still hold so much sway over our behaviour.
I opened a letter this morning saying that I owed over £4000 in rent. Turns out it was a clerical error, but when I opened it and saw the amount, I got a bit of an adrenaline rush.
Adrenaline is there to help us run away or fight, but neither of these responses would have been appropriate action for me to take in this case.
Maybe we'll one day evolve a fear response that gives us a sudden urge to pick up a phone and ring our landlord, but until then, we have these primitive responses to cope with.
One other thing that we do is to judge people by our own standards. You have tried to put yourself in your boyfriend's position and imagine how he must have been feeling when he did these things.
That's a dangerous thing to do, because you can't possibly know what was going through his head at the time.
Your boyfriend feels different about you than these other girls, or he'd still be with one of them now.
A
female
reader, geechi3 +, writes (30 October 2008):
geechi3 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Don't take this the wrong way passionatelynumb, but it gives me comfort that it is not gender specific. I guess it does boil down to morals, ethics and beliefs. I think deep down I am somewhat jealous of the individuals (mostly men) who can view sex as nothing more than it is. I am hoping that because I viewed giving myself to someone as a gift....I will experience things that others have not. I have had one frivolous encounter and really wasn't impressed by the experience at all. Sex is just no fun without the intimacy behind it. Being a girl in my mid 20's, the intimate partners i've had weren't able to connect with me on the deep level that I longed for. I just can't view it as JUST a physical act.
As much as I know it's true that men are bound by their biology, it disturbs me. I don't want men and women to be viewed as primitive creatures. I'd like to think we've surpassed that. I know we haven't but I guess that is something I have to come to terms with.
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
I don't think you do disagree with me passionatelynumb, I think that you agree with what I'm saying, but have added that it is possible to make an intellectual decision not to give in to the urge.
You are quite correct in what you say. Many men decide not to sleep around for religious or moral reasons, and if that's what you want to do, I'm not going to argue.
The problem here seems to be that the guy in question did not resist this urge in the past, and this lady finds that upsetting.
I was hoping that if I explained the reasons behind his behaviour, she would find it easier to come to terms with.
Promiscuity in a woman is much more complex to explain. It is in a way analagous to you fighting your urge to sleep around, ie going against her 'programming' just as you decided to.
The bottom line is that some people can cope with a promiscuous partner's past, and some can't. The only real solution is to make sure that a potential partner has not behaved in a way you disapprove of before committing to them, or suck it up.
Why take it personally? She did it before she knew you.
Did you get engaged before you found out about her past, or were you aware of it when you made the decision to marry her?
She obviously doesn't share your ethical beliefs about sex, but that doesn't mean she's wrong and you're right.
She slept with a lot of guys, but decided to settle down with you. You should be flattered.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I disagree with Cowboy. I'm a guy and though I have the drive to "sow my wild oats" I kept myself in check becuase I believed that sex was something speacial.
Girls like you are few and far between these days. You have no idea how much respect I have for you. Most girls I've dated have had a much more fivilous sex life than most of the guys I know.
I'm going through the same thing with my fiance' right now. People try to generalize this to one gender or the other, but I think the pain cuts both ways.
For me, its not her past long term relationships that hurt me. Its the high number of casual hookups that wrenches my heart in two.
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
Looks like you'll have to copy and paste that link into your browser, it doesn't work if you just click on it.
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I hope he's like me, because if he is, then his friendship with these girls is possible only because he is truly at peace with his feelings towards them.
If he was really bothered or still had feelings for them, then he wouldn't be able to be friends with them.
He didn't choose them, he chose you.
Men are more 'slutty' than women because our instincts are different. We've evolved to be the way we are over millions of years, and our primitive instincts are still intact.
Men have a very low biological investment in reproduction. I could go out right now and make several girls pregnant (in theory of course!)
Women on the other hand have a very high investment in reproduction. Humans have a 9 month gestation period, in which a primitive woman would have been very vulnerable. Then there's breast feeding.
That's why men generally 'sow their oats' and women are generally choosy about who they sleep with.
I suggest that you watch this documentary:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4AKx7xJJNc
then you'll probably feel less bad about how he behaved in the past, and understand why you shouldn't worry about it affecting how he behaves in the future.
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A
female
reader, geechi3 +, writes (30 October 2008):
geechi3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's a fair response. And I feel bad for guys to be put in this situation by their significant others. I guess I just view things differently. My past is my past and I really find no purpose in a past lover or boyfriend being a significant part of my life. It's simply, "OK MOVING ON!!!!". Ya know what I mean?
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
I am in a similar position to your boyfriend.
I know it's difficult for girls that I have been in relationships with to cope with this, but it's not something I can change.
Thing is, I have a lot of female friends, and some of them I have known for many years. It's practically inevitable that some fooling around will have taken place at some point.
Other friends of mine are past girlfriends. Just because we didn't make a successful couple doesn't mean that we don't like each other as friends. Some of my closest friends are from relationships that didn't work out. I like this because at least something good came of the relationship and it wasn't all for nothing.
Equally, I can totally understand why you would feel unsettled about this. You may be thinking that because he has had sex with them in the past, he may want to do so again in the future.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that, but I also know that it is an impossible task to completely convince you of this.
I'm afraid it all boils down to a simple fact. These people are his friends. If you make him choose between you and them, you may not like the answer.
I know it's horrible, and I can't offer you any advice on how to come to terms with it, but you must.
One nugget of information that may help you is that if he's anything like me, he probably won't be too bothered about having sex with them again.
The sexual tension is past, and now he can be just friends with them.
I don't want to give you nightmares, but if he did cheat on you, it would probably more likely be with one of the female friends that he hasn't had sex with.
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