A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:As the title goes this is not a question, but some lessons I have learned after having a fling with an unavailable/in denial man. I love storytelling and so I am going down that road with this one. It is going to be long but insightful and in case any of you has been in a similar situation, please share. Over the weekend, a new colleague was introduced to the team. German, 32 years old – been there done that sort of a guy. When he walked into the room, I blushed and my heartbeat peaked – all the right things that goes with spotting a hot guy. I mean this guy is tall, strong muscles, nice hair and beautiful blue eyes. Apart from that he has this beard that goes with it, which later I would find to be quite soft. He is this straight guy that gay guys fall in love with, if you know what I mean. Plays football, manly and all that. My other colleagues know about my sexuality and they are sort like my small family. But I have recently made this decision to not throw it on new colleagues’ faces. You see when I came out I was really in the telling people phase but now I am in a different stage where I can be myself and I don’t really need to say it. If someone asks then I will tell. Now the new German guy is all straight looking, very Americanized sort of guy and he is into women, just broke up with his girlfriend of four years recently, and doing his PHD. I mean I never noticed anything apart from the fact that my thoughts wondered how it would be to kiss his lips and just have an adventure with him. He likes to drink a lot and over the weekend we went to a very British pub. He walks in with us and straight away starts hitting on girls. He walks up to groups of girls and start chatting them up. My friend and I cringe. Why? I live in small town and so everyone sort of knows everyone and this move doesn’t really work here – the British girls from here are not that easy. At the pub I am not openly gay though I don’t hit on any girls either way. So the night progresses and we go to another place where there is dubstep music and a good dancing floor. He keeps on hitting on them girls but coupled with his really bad robotic dancing which I have never seen before – and which turns to be quite a site for everyone – he doesn’t succeed. Alcohol has kicked in by this time. We are outside catching some fresh air and he said to me when my other friend is not around“Maybe they see through my gay side”I get caught off guard and so I ask him again what did he say. I ask him like three times to make sure I am hearing it correct. And then he says. “You know what I mean. I have seen your bathroom.”And then he goes on to say he has seen my products which in my defense are not much. I mean I have two perfumes, one hand gel, deodorant, body lotion, cotton buds (ear swabs), antiperspirant, shaving cream, shampoo and body gel. Well, the point is that he saw through all those and knew that I was GAY. And I was like wow, this is not happening. My gaydar never picked up anything from me. I knew he was straight and nothing else. My mind was racing like crazy and I was like this is not happening. And then he was a bit sad that he was not scoring with the girls. And then he said, “Apart from all this, I am thinking of making out with you.” Whaat? I mean, am I hearing this correct? Got a hard on and everything just went crazy from there. The party was coming to a finish and we walked home. We were behind my friend and he took the chance to grab me and kiss me. I tried to kiss him later but he declined and he apologized when we got back home saying he was afraid someone might see. My other friend went to sleep and I was left with him. We kissed a bit and talked a lot. I asked him if he wanted to sleep with me, not having sex, just cuddling but said no and so he went and sleep in his bed in a different room. We hugged first. Saturday, he woke me up and we hugged for like 10 seconds, very close and we made breakfast. My other friend was completely shitfaced and didn’t wake up until noon. So I had all the morning with the German. We made breakfast, kissed intermittently in the kitchen and hugged. Pretty much acted like a couple. We went out to buy lunch and stopped for coffee and sat outside the coffee house to chat. He continued drinking and by the evening he was drunk again. Sunday he was completely knocked off with a crazy hangover. Some key points to take into account - He said boys kiss better than girls because they just know how to do it after kissing me. - He would pull away when kissing, after some time of course, and he would sometimes say, “What can I do with you?”- He watches Glee – has it in his laptop. Says it is for a project on disability he did before but he has Kurt Hummel’s glee songs on his playlist. We watched the Glee concert together but of course he kept on saying, damn Rachel is hot, Santana is hot sort of thing.- He loves Leona Lewis and he has her entire concert. My friend says this is pretty gay. - He has never had sex with a guy apart from kissing only. - He is terrified of being alone and for the past 10 years he has been in relationship with girls. - He envisions a world where people would be free to live and be happy. - Made a comment about the recent Pope’s ambiguous statement on the gay issue. - One very important detail he told me at first was that, “he was afraid he would hurt me.” Monday, everything went back to normal and Tuesday I asked him “What now?” and he said we should forget about it. He said he does it when he is drunk, playing to be correct by the choice of his words. And this is why he said he was afraid that he would hurt me.Initially I was devastated sort of, but then I realized I was stupid and something happened and I am quite okay now. That is good, taking into account, all this happened in one day. I just snapped out of it and I even took him around to show him some different parts of the town. At the end of the day I was quite okay about everything. So here are the lessons I would like to share with you. I am not going to get into his psyche and the “He is gay and needs to stop being in denial.” Well it is his life and maybe this is the stage he has to go through. But at the end of the day, what do you need to do when you get yourself in this situation. 1. Understand that it won't work from the beginning. I knew it even when I was lusting after him from the start that it wouldn’t go anywhere. I told myself that unavailable guys are not good for me and I tried to put things in perspective. And so even when he was pulling away after kissing, I understood what that meant. 2. He is not going to marry me, or want to be with me in a relationship. I mean there are exceptions but this is how I look at it to not get myself all tangled up with emotions that will kill me.3. Understand yourself and what you want from him exactly. For me it was the idea of having good fun and make out with a fucking hot German. I remember his beard, his soft lips, the taste of his lips after drinking coffee and the way his hands held my head when we kissed and how tight he hugged me. How he teased me and took down his pants from time to time. Make sure you have a good time. You deserve it. Don’t overthink and start asking for a relationship. It is short-lived amigo. 4. Set the rules – this point goes with the previous point. What do you want to do with him? One thing I regret doing was not taking enough control. I would have wanted to tell him from beginning, “listen Mr. this is how we are going to do this.” Spell it out for him and have the courage to walk away if he doesn’t adhere. I know this sound crazy but well, I have been here before, played and left feeling shitty, and I wouldn’t want to be here again. You have the right to protect yourself. 5. Feel free to ask questions when he is sober. I know you are thinking that he would say no or he doesn’t remember or he just doesn’t want to continue because he wants to have a girl, and that might crush you. And I know you might think it is good to ask him when he is drunk a bit as he would be open with you. But here is the thing – you have the choice to keep on going through the same circle of him getting drunk and making out with you or you can just be forward and put it on the table and walk away if he doesn’t measure up. You might say maybe you need to get a taste of his lips once more but remember there is fine line before you start falling in love with him. 6. Don’t fall in love. Make sure you don’t do it and I don’t know how you will do it. How I have done it? I tried to find faults in him. My German is self-centered and it is really about his world. That pisses me off. And I have gone with it and it has made me realize that even if we were in a relationship, we wouldn’t survive because of this. This is what I have learned. The weekend is soon approaching, summer is in the air and I know by the nature of his skin he would want to drink something. He might get drunk again and for now I am deciding whether I should push him away if he hits on me or I should make out with him and take him to a step further. All this will depend on my state of mind and HEART when the time arrives.
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