A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend, let's call her 'W', and I have been officially a couple together for 2 years (we were friends for 7 years so our friendship foundation is very strong) but last month, she emailed her friend to tell her that she has developed some feelings for this other guy and is not sure whether she still loves me. Prior to this, I have been dealing with some family problems and might have neglected her and the relationship. I didn't realise how unhappy she was. Anyway, a month ago, she asked for a break and said she needed some time alone, to be away from me so that she can get rid of the negative feelings she had about me. Unwillingly, but I agreed to the break. I tried not to call her or text her, and left her alone as much as possible. All I did was to write on the blog that we shared about my feelings and how much I missed her (I know she reads the blog). She would msg me every now and then to tell me about something happy/sad that she was going through and expected me to respond to them but never wanted to talk about our relationship. Even after the 1 month break had ended, she did not initiate to contact me to talk about our relationship. I had planned for a trip for us both together a few months back (much before she asked for a break) and it was supposed to take place over the last weekend. She came along with me. Thinking that it would be a good chance for me to reconnect with her again, I had planned a surprise for her (writing her a fairytale about us). However, on the 1st night, after I read it out to her and told her about what I felt, hoping she would give us a chance to start all over again, she cried a little but she said she was tired and did not want to talk about our relationship that night. The next night, she told me she had thought through the past 1 month during our break and said that she didn't want our relationship anymore. She said she was tired and didn't feel like she was still "in love" with me. I asked her about her relationship with the other guy and after much probing (cos I knew when she was lying to me), she revealed that she has feelings for that guy and they had hugged and even kissed during the 1 month break when I was not with her. (probably her rebound effect - since she mentioned before that there were things she didn't like about the guy but still overlooked them cos of her so-called feelings for him). I was furious and totally heartbroken at her infidelity . but I didn't say anything to her. I was crying but kept staring into blank space. She still didn't want to give our relationship a second chance - I really love her, she's my soulmate and I can forgive her for her unfaithfulness. She said she just wanted us to remain as best friends. However, when I said this sentence "if we don't try (out our relationship again), we will never know", she said "very well, we will try then". Later on, I found out from a friend that she only gave me a chance after I said that sentence, because she had tried to establish a relationship with the other guy during that 1 month of our break - but the guy was unwilling becos he felt he had his own issues to settle and was not suitable for her even though he liked her, so she told the guy "if we don't try, we will never know". But still the guy wanted to remain only as friends. W gave me a chance only because she remembered how hurt she was when she told the guy the sentence and he rejected her. She felt like she was doing on to me what he did on to her, so she said ok to giving me a second chance. However, the next day, she acted so coldly towards me totally - absolutely no showing that she is sincere about re-starting all over with me again. She even admitted that she had not put in effort and found it difficult to be with me when her heart had that guy. So now, we are sort of "back together" but not in any real sense of the word. Yesterday, I wrote her a letter telling her that I know she didn't give me a chance because she really wanted our relationship back and that I am asking her to reconsider what she said. And when she is going to give us a chance again, I hope she will do it for us, and not because of anyone else. I also said I needed some time alone and had to be away from her in the meantime. The thing now is, she still msgs me about some of her personal/work stuff and expects me to respond to them - as if she didn't understand my last line about needing time alone. She says she doesn't know how long she will take to get that guy out of her heart and accept me again, even though she knows I am the person who loves her most in this entire world and knows how much pain she has put me through the past 1 month. What should I do now? I love the girl and I really want her back. But what can I do to make her want me too?
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female
reader, redhead123  +, writes (26 November 2013):
Ive also been goin through the exact same thing. Me and my gf been together for 6 year and just this week she tells me her love is starting to fade. She also said she loves me but she isnt in to females that much anymore. So following that she said we're to gether to much and she started to get stressed since we are at home together and we wrk toveger at one job. So following her request I backd off alittle and now im staying at my place more now and trying my best not to text her. I just dnt get if what she's saying is true then y does she keeps calln and textn me telli g me she misses me and the next nite came over the started kissing and feeling on me and we had sex. I feel so confused and stupid. Im starting to think she's playing with my heart and I cry every single day but yet I hurry and answer every call when in my head she barely answers my calls.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a huge blow to me because it came all so suddenly in 1 month. 2 months ago, when we celebrated our 2nd year anniversary in July, she was still telling me how she feels so blessed with me and loves me. In Aug, we were still having romantic moments together. It is only in Sept when this whole thing blew up that she told me she had been unhappy and even though she knew what I was going through dealing with my family problem, she secretly resented it that I had neglected our relationship. She thought she wasn't my priority! And all this while, I thought she understood what I went through because she never said anything about being unhappy to me! Everytime I told her about my family problem during the 2 mths when I had to deal with it, she seemed supportive and would even advice me! This whole thing has left me so confused. I can't understand what she is going through. Why is she acting this way? It is as if she has become another person all of a sudden in 1 month. Not only does she want to break up, she says she has feelings for another person and is not in love with me. Can someone actually give up a 9 year relationship like that just in 1 month?!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify what both of you asked:
When I said I neglected her, I meant I didn't shower her as much attention as I did previously. I had to deal with a serious family matter (lasted abt 2mths) and I had explained to her that even though I was busy with my family matter, she was never out of my mind. I still made time for her on the weekends and called her everynight to talk to her.
My family matter was settled by Sept and I had prepared a surprise for her - wanting to tell her on our 26th month anniversary in Sept how sorry I had been for "neglecting" her and thankful that she was so understanding.
But before I could execute my surprise on our anniversary, she shocked me first by sending that email to her friend! And everything spiralled from there onwards.
She asked for a month break "cos (I) needed time alone" (in her words) and I gave it to her. I did not email or text her. I forced myself from doing so. The only thing I did was to blog on our blog. More often than not, she was the one who would text or call me to ask about things related to her work or tell me about something that made her happy or upset, but would never talk about our relationship during the break. She feels that I am still the 1st person she turns to when she has something happy/sad that she wants to share.
Now even after I had asked for a break for myself and for her to sort out her feelings, she is still doing the same thing - texting me to seek help or telling me issues that made her happy/sad. For instance, she went for an interview yesterday and was worried about it. She texted me before she went for the interview and called me after it to tell me how it went. I didn't want to reply or pick up her call, but I couldn't stop myself from doing so. I'm afraid she thinks I don't care for her but yet when I reply her, I feel like she's taking advantage of me and probably not a good way for her to start missing me, since I'm always just a phone call/text away, as if I am so convenient.
I am in a rut. Please advice.
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A
female
reader, lianne x  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 i think that first reply was a bit unfair,
you said you might of been neglecting her when dealing with family problems,,
how long was this for ?
when she asked for space, did you really leave her alone?
as i know from personal experiance, when some one wants a break and you love them that much , you cant help but make some sort of contact with them ,
you said at the end that she was very cold to you and that she still has that guy in his heart,
as bad as it sounds and i know it isnt what you want to hear,
it isnt fair on either of you to stay as you are, the only way for her to realise that she does still love you is for you to stay away and keep contact to a minimum, and maybe she might realise what she has lost, BUt this dosent always work out the way you want, it may turn out that there is no more hope at all for you both ,
if you want to talk about it/ any thing, send me a message and ill try help you through it xxx
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