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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in need of some advice before I become totally consumed by my problem. I have been married for 18 years, the past five I have been having an affair with a single man. I loved him deeply and still do.Late last year I started to become really frustrated with the situation and took it out on my lover and started behaving really badly towards him. He took everything I threw at him, all I had to say was sorry and he took me back because he said nothing mattered except being together.Finally in March this year frustration got the better of me, I knew I had to make a decision and I chose to end the affair and make a go of things with my husband for the sake of our children.My lover would phone me and tell me how much he loved me but I stopped replying and he stopped calling.2 months later I knew I had made the wrong choice and finally put plans in place to leave my husband which I now have. It was too late, my ex lover told me I hurt him so badly he had to move on. He is with someone else now and has been for a couple of months.We go out occasionally and have a few drinks together just as friends and nothing happens. He has even told his girlfriend that he sees me like this.Last week when I saw him I asked him why he still wants to see me, he said because he still loves me and loves spending time with me.He said that sometimes us being friends makes it difficult with his new partner bu he is managing it and that the way I treated him before we split up made it easier for him to move on.I havent told him how I still feel about him but Im sure he knows.I cant sleep or eat, I am totally overwhelmed by the fact that we wont be together now. How can he have moved on when he says he still loves me.I know that I should cut contact with him but I am afraid if I do this then I will miss an opportunity for us to be together. I have considered writing a letter telling him exactly whats on my mind and then backing off. Please help me, the hurt is taking over
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affair, move on, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2005): Try and get over the fact that you have got a chance to be with each other because it will never happen seeing as you've split up and he's now got a girlfriend. He wants to be friends with you so why don't you just be friends with him as well?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2005): This might not be the answer you are wanting but i think you should move on with your life as he has and find someone new.You only get one life so dont waste any more time!!!!!!!!!! Find a new partner or get in touch with your hubby if you have any feelings for him.Remember there,s a big world out there ,the right person is out there somewhere!!!! Do it now!!! Get out there and strut your stuff gal!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, pops +, writes (1 September 2005):
You don't make it clear that you have told your lover that you are leaving your husband. Tell him. And tell him how you still feel about him. Assume nothing. And, apologize for the abuse you heaped on him, and explain, if you can, what the cause of your frustration was that led to you being so awful to him. Part of his hurt, and, I suspect, his lack of interest in resuming a relationship with you is that he can't figure out what he did wrong that set you off! Any guy with a brain will run like his tail is on fire to get away from a woman who acts crazy around him, no matter what there relationship is. And, why is it that woman who do these kinds of things never seem to think they owe the party they have abused a very detailed explanation and apology? That apology is the necessary first step for the resumption of trust between him and you. And without trust, there will be no relationship. Just a drink and conversation once in awhile. You decide. But don't blame him for his behavior. He's only protecting himself and his own feelings from being hurt again. I don't know if it is even possible to get him back, but my suggestions are a beginning. The rest is up to you.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (31 August 2005):
Writting your feelings down is always good, you don't need to send it to him though for it to be good therapy. It is so hard when our hearts are aching, get yourself some tourquise to help to ground you. Allow yourself to grieve for the breakup of your marriage. It is not very healthy for you to see your ex lover right now.
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