A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to know what people think of this.Before I start ill give a bit of background, been with my partner 18 months, before that i was in a hurrendously abusive relationship where my partner cheated, and put me down (and i am aware this is probably where most my problem arises). Since I met my boyfriend i have done a lot of work on my self confidence, but still struggle sometimes. I have a lot to offer on paper, i just cant seem to match that up with my own opinion of myself sometimes.I have had real trouble with other people as far as every relationship ive ever had has gone there has been someone who wanted to interfere. This one has been no exception, we are very happy and have got a house together, which has obv reduced our spare income a little so we dont go out quite as often (natural progress), but mutual friends constantly put me down saying i've 'tamed' my partner into staying in. His close friends tell me its nothing of the sort and I try not to let it bother me but it still makes me feel like im in the wrong.Then there is my partners ex girlfriend, we did get on well before i started seeing my partner (i met her long after they split and long before we got together) but at the begining of our relationship she pretty much stalked us, online and offline, making comments on our every move in a very creepy manner, we ignored her for a while but both found it irritating so both decided (very mutually)to stop speaking to her, she took this very badly, again blaming me and publically slated me quite visciously.This was a year ago, since then she has continued to stalk my boyfriend through online social networking, through mutual friends and other such. Its starting to really get me down.It makes me feel like im constantly doing things wrong, its angering me and its making me go back into my shell, i feel like ive taken a lot of unnessacary blame, and although im happy in my relationship the effect its had on me isnt doing me, or us much good.I know its probably just my own insecurity... though its not that i think my partner would ever sway im completely secure in that aspect, i just hate that other people see me in such a bad light. All Ive ever done is try and not effect my partners life as much as i possibly can, possibly sometimes not been forceful enough about my own needs, yet i still feel like the bad guy.After all the work ive done on my confidence its slowly defeating me and making me feel socially inept.Can anyone offer me some advice?
View related questions:
confidence, ex girlfriend, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 what a lovely follow up.
Hope all goes well too.
Regards
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, youve given me some real food for thought. And pretty much everything youve said rings true. gonna try some of the things youve suggested.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 September 2012):
Well done that you got out of an Abusive relationship.That takes immense courage and inner strength and you did it. Many people suffer decades of abuse and never get the courage you found.
You new boyfriend needs to deal with his ex as that is his problem. It is not your problem to solve. It affects you as far as your boyfriend and how much he is prepared to do to get the ex off his back. So tell your boyfriend why it upsets you and how it upsets you. But it is still his problem entirely to address and solve.
But he is with you, not her. So you have the upper hand.
As far as your confidence you need to put you FIRST.
That means that you ask yourself every day:
Is this GOOD FOR ME?
If the answer is NO then you avoid it, refuse it or you say No.
Saying NO is very important.
If someone wants you to do something it is OK to say NO.
Feel no guilt at saying NO.
If someone wants you to do something for them that bothers you then you need to ask yourself:
"THINK WHAT THIS COULD BECOME?"
Stop to think things through.
If they want you do them a favour, or they want to borrow something and you do not know them well or they have proved in the past to be untrustworthy then it is OK to say NO
Never feel guilty about looking after your needs first.
Never feel guilty about honoring your first.
So you really love that bunch of flowers but someone else wants you to donate to a charity?
Fine, donate some and with what is left over buy some flowers with the rest. But do not put yourself last.
Stop thinking that you do not come first.
Because you need to to VALUE you and APPRECIATE you and be KIND to you
if you are not kind to you then how can you expect others to value you.? 4
Set some positive goals for you. They can be small goals and medium goals and big long term goals.
Write it up on a chart.
Give yourself a star and a physical reward when you meet those goals.
Work out your schedule first. Others need to fit in with when you are available and when it suits your needs.
Please stop putting your needs after everyone else has been satisfied.
...............................
|
