A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife changed the night our first child was born. We had been together for two years before that, and she was a happy, loving woman. When I left her at the hospital after our son was born, she was still the same happy woman, but when I came to see her the next day, she was angry, frightened and irritable. She certainly wasn't pleased to see me. I put this down to post-natal depression, thinking that it would pass in time, but that was fifteen years ago, and it still hasn't passed. When I look at the woman I married in our wedding video, she seems to bear absolutely no relation to the angry, depressed woman I’m married to today. It took her nearly a decade to visit a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with manic depression. She says her medication helps, but I honestly haven’t seen an improvement. From morning to night she shouts and swears at me and our two children, which is all the more surprising because in the two years that I new her before our son was born she never swore once. And not surprisingly our sex life is virtually non-existent. The combination of her depression, the meds and her hostility towards me has reduced her libido to zero, but I don’t want a mistress, and I don't want to have anything to do with prostitutes: I can’t sleep with a woman I don’t love and who doesn’t love me.I told her many years ago that when our children were grown, I was going to leave, but she just said she didn’t care, and in any case I don’t think she believed me. About a month ago, I really had had enough of the arguments, so I was looking for a flat online one night when my wife came into the study and caught me. At first she shouted, but then she went quiet, and ever since that time she has made a real effort to keep calm. Whenever she shouts now, she apologises afterwards. I don’t hate her anymore, and I’m not angry with her, because I know that she is not responsible for her moods, but she still isn’t the woman I married. I can’t help feeling that she doesn’t love me: she's just afraid of being left alone. And although we make love more often now, she can't hide the fact that she doesn't enjoy it, and she's only doing it to stop me leaving. Her trying so hard makes my decision to leave more painful, but I am determined to do it. I can’t live without love, and we certainly do not love each other. I need to have a woman who wants me and not whose just afraid of being alone. I’ll miss my children most of all, but I'll be moving into a flat in the same town, so we'll be able to see each other regularly. I've talked to my son about this because he's old enough to understand. It broke his heart, but even he acknowledges it would be better for us all.Fortunately money shouldn't be a problem because I'm on quite a good wage. I haven’t really asked a question here, and I’m writing this more for myself than for anyone else. Feel free to comment - supportively if you can. If I must ask a question, I suppose it’s this: is it naïve for a middle-aged man to believe in romantic love, to believe that he can find someone he can be happy with rather than just tolerate under the same roof?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, freebird  +, writes (10 June 2009):
 Oh I am sorry to hear this.
I know that people with depression have poor self esteem and its so difficult to make them come out of their depression. I really can understand you now.
I think you are left with no option.
Also you might just need some fresh air.
So moving out is good for you. and who knows may be it will jolt her out of her depression.
So I think you are justified.
Try to do the separation as kindly as possible. But at times you have to be cruel to be kind.
Good luck,
FB
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Freebird, you wrote that we should have taken a holiday together without the kids. We haven't even been out to a restaurant together for these past 15 years. The last time we went out together (just me, the wife and the bump that was to be our son) was to a concert (Bach, Hayden and Mozart as I recall) before all the trouble started.So many times I have suggested that we take just a weekend trip together or even go to the cinema or restaurant, but she just refuses. She finds going out such an effort. She doesn't even visit her friends any more, and I was disappointed that she has decided not to go to her 25th school reunion this year because it's too much effort and she thinks she'll be fat and ugly compared to the others. She has put on weight, that's true, but she's still beautiful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Thanks for your thoughts. Tigerlily, my wife didn't make her own bed - her illness did that. When I look back on it now it was so blindingly obvious that she needed help all those years ago, but when you are at the centre of something, you often can't see the obvious. My greatest regret is that I didn't recognise it at the time and get her to see a psychiatrist earlier. Now the person I drove to hospital fifteen years ago is gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): hello im sarah.
i'm 24 and my partner is 43. my partner had the same problem with his now ex-wife, who he had two children with. she used to hit him and swear all the time. This was not a good situation for his children to be around.
Since me and him have been together we have had a child of our own and he is very happy because he is in a relationship with a women that loves him and will always take care of him.even his children say how happy they are now they are not together, first it was hard for them but in the long run in worked out better.
what you have to ask yourself is.....Do you love your wife enough to stay? Are you making each other happy? What will make the whole family happier?
there comes a time in life when you have to let go of the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good. life is to short to be anything but happy.
good luck and i wish you all the best x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Your decision is not one that has been made rashly, you have thought it through very carefully. You seem to have made plans to make the best of the situation for all involved and have a clear picture in your mind at where you want to end up.
My only advice i can give you is to stop making love to your wife. You contradicted yourself in your writing by saying, you no longer love your wife, as well as saying, you couldn't sleep with someone you don't love. Be careful because although you may not see it as a massive effort, if your wife libido is low she's probably thinking that as long as shes having sex with you for you, you'll stay together. It could seem like having your cake and eating it too, even if that's not your intentions.
I'm sure your aware that with your wife's manic depression she is likely to be extremely distressed when the day arrives that you actually confirm that you are leaving and not just contemplating the idea. So although you should be ready to try and comfort her you need to make sure you can distance yourself to make the separation easier.
In answer to your question, No it isn't naive to believe in a pure, romantic and long lasting love. I truly hope you and your wife find what your looking for and become happier because of this choice you have made.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, freebird +, writes (9 June 2009):
Hi there,
I think you are quite sure that you have done everything to make the relationship work.
I hope you have taken a vacation together etc without the kids and that she has tried therapies like yoga/ meditation.
I think your decision to leave is made after years of thoughts. And you do not have to stay married if you are unhappy. Thats not fair to yourself and her.
Tolerating under same roof is not an option at all. It is sure to ruin you emotionally and physically.
But somehow I feel like telling you to take off some of that stress in the relationship by going for a vacation or something.
Cheer up!
FB
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 I don't think there are very many people who understand just how hard life can be living with a person with bipolar disease. I have had it since my thirties (a long time ago now) and went through every medication on the market. surprised my wife didn't leave me and often thought she should have. Now back on me feet, lamictal is a drug on the market that is used as a last resort, too late for you now but worth keeping in mind. Now that you are leaving there is no point talking about alternatives. However as you are 40 ish can I suggest that you don't burn your bridges just in case you discover that the romantic love you seek might not be easily available. My brother did this and made sure he burnt his bridges so he couldn't go back and ended up crying over what he lost and realised that there were options he could have explored. Either way you are making the change and its understandable just keep the communication open you may need to go back through the same door you left.....or you may find joy elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (9 June 2009):
I think you are amazing and brave and as a woman, there are times when I feel like men just don't want all the things you describe, so it's really beautiful to hear you say that you want them. No one should have to live in pain. For you to do it for 15 years speaks to a deep strength in you. Your wife has made her own bed and now you are leaving it. I wish you all the best.
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