A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story. Thank you for taking the time to read this!My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first dated, I had just left an abusive relationship and eventually had to place a restraining order against my ex. I truly should have taken the time to heal. As much as I love my boyfriend, I should have not jumped into a relationship with him so quickly. I took out a lot of my unresolved issues on him. Although I was not physically abusive, I was most definitely verbally and emotionally abusive. I had become a carbon copy of my ex. Regardless, my current boyfriend loved me more than anybody should have at that time. He was determined to make me better.Despite all of the bad that he was constantly made to feel, he moved in with me because he loved me. I was blind to a lot of my actions at the time and I truly thought we had a great relationship. He went out of his way to make me happy. I had no idea how much work he had to put into our relationship. He was the most admirable, loving, well-intentioned person to ever come into my life. At the end of the last summer, he broke up with me, suddenly without explanation, and moved out. I was devastated. My best friend moved in with me because I could not pull myself out of my bed. Despite the way I had treated him, he meant the world to me. His family rightfully told him never to go back to me again, unfortunately, creating a sticky mess for him to face in the future. They threatened to take him out of school and not pay his tuition if he were ever to contact me again.Each one of us had shown up at each others doors numerous times. I had never experienced such a serious feeling of grief and regret as I did when he explained to me how I had made him feel in the past. I could never do anything like I had done to him again. I felt my abusive ex, who was responsible for my feelings I had, again ruined another great aspect of my life.My current boyfriend and I wound up sleeping together and eventually getting back together. He was definitely not ready to have me in his life again. Although he did not do anything, he did talk flirtatiously with a girl on aim as some weird form of revenge within the first week we were back together. This happened a long time ago, and in all honesty, I'm over it. He had originally hid me from his family and coworkers. He told me that he was too embarrassed to let his coworkers know that we were together. At the time, I felt I deserved this. His family officially found out about us around Christmas. Although they cornered him into lying to protect his tuition, now they don't trust him. They officially stopped paying his tuition in January. I think that this is an unfair punishment for making a decision for himself. He can be with who he wants to be with. Obviously, if I were the way I used to be, he would have been having noticeable problems and would not have been able to keep it from his family. He was fine all along.He loves me very much, deep down inside his heart somewhere.However, over time, especially recently, he has turned into an exact copy of the bitter abused/abuser I used to be. He attacks me verbally and he goes out of his way to fight. He has never put a hand on me, however, he is always demanding that I change more and more things about myself, to the point where I don't recognize me anymore. He expects so much of me but will not do the same actions that he asks from me. He tells me that he knows how terrible he's become, but I just have to get used to it because that is how it is going to be. I've asked him to get help but he refuses to do so. He tells me that if I leave him, I will be a terrible person because of all of the stress he is going through. It would be a terrible thing for me to abandon him.We fight pretty much everyday. I'm not allowed to ask him questions about what he has been doing throughout the day, however, if I do not tell him about my day, I will be yelled at. He ignores my calls and is short with me on the phone. He's especially mean to me in front of his roommates. He expects to be all over my aim profile, when he won't put me in his and I am never allowed to go out with my friends.In the past, he's run up about $3,000 on my credit cards and is unapologetic, saying that he earned that money because he had to put up with me. His family will never pay me back because they say any money that I spent, I spent because I wanted to.His moods are so drastic. One moment he's happy and loving, so sweet and huggable. The next, he's angry to a scary level, upset, and depressed. He has recently changed career courses because the level of work required for his major was far too much. His grades dropped because he was forced to work for his tuition because he lied to his parents about me, but his parents are still putting an insurmountable amount of pressure on him to do well. They consistently compare him to his older sister who excelled in the very same program he just switched out of. He acknowledges one minute that I am all he has and that I am always there for him, regardless of his treatment. He says, "I know I'm an asshole to you." The next minute, I'm the one he needs to cut out to solve all of his problems.It's hard to know exactly how he feels. He tells me he loves me one minute, but the next minute, he tells me that he doesn't know. When I asked him to explain to his best ability what exactly he is feeling, he told me that he can't guarantee anything because his feelings and thoughts change with life circumstances. He makes me cry over something stupid everyday.His family and I will never get along because of the past, understandably, and I am determined to see them the bare minimum. However his family did harass me during the time of the break up and I did have to change my number so that they could not contact me anymore. They kept track of his phone calls. When they saw my new number on my boyfriend's phone bill which they opened without permission, they called that too, and again, I had to change my number.When he says that he's going to come over, he always takes two hours to make it over here. We both live on a college campus and he is a 5 minute walk from my room. While I am waiting, I have to stay in my room in order to let him in. He can not get into my building without me. Sometimes I'm very tired and just would like to go to bed, but I have to stay up waiting for him. When I asked him to please take a little less than two hours to come over, he became very angry and told me that he won't rush around for me. He enjoys taking his time. When I asked him if he cared that I was tired he nastily said, "Well nobody is forcing you to wait for me." Last night he called me and told me that he was coming over at 9pm. At 12am he still was not here so I went to his room. When I walked in, he was watching a movie. I had bought him dinner and baked him cupcakes. When I said he had hurt me and that I deserved an apology, he said that I was, "A bad person for asking for apologies. Only people who do not ask for apologies deserve them." He continued to turn everything around on me. He said that I LIED to him about making him cupcakes and I only said that to make him feel bad. When he FINALLY came over at 2am, he obviously saw that he was wrong. He got into bed without saying a word. This morning, he woke up and started cuddling me. I hate how he is back and forth. There is never any stability. When I say I want to talk about what is wrong, he tells me that he doesn't have the energy. He won't call because he hates the phone and tells me himself that he rolls his eyes every time I call. He never rushes to come over like I do for him. There is no need to take two hours to come over. He could at least call and say that he's going to be a while, but he claims that that allows me to boss him around. There is zero consideration from his side. What prompted me to write this is the fact that my boyfriend has just told me that he would like to go to Japan and teach English when he's finished college in two years. He told me that he's like to do it alone. I know that this is his dream and I support him. I don't want to go to Japan. It's not my dream. In fact, I will be enrolled in medical school this coming fall, so I can not even consider going with him.I do not want him to look back on his life and have regrets. However, I asked him if he would commit before he went, he said he would not. He said that if he proposed, it would be because it was right, not because he was going away. I agree with him, however, he wants me to stay in America and wait for him. With all that is going on, he expects me to be back here waiting for him. My father has told me that I need someone on my level.These types of decisions are so very hard when you love someone.Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any thoughts.
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best friend, broke up, christmas, co-worker, depressed, emotionally abusive, flirt, money, moved in, moved out, my ex, revenge, roommate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): here's what i think is happening....i reckon he wants to break up but doesnt have the guts to do it. i think he loves you but as he is off to japan, maybe he doesnt see the point in continuing things. either way, there's no way you should put up with that - the more you allow it, the more he'll do it. he gets away with it every time, so ofcourse he'll keep pushing the bondaries. no one deserves that little respect and abusive behaviour, even if you went through a bad patch yourself this is no excuse for him to continue like this. he is controlling and this is very dangerous behaviour also. itleads to more sinister things sometimes and shows he has issues and feels the need to control you. sorry to say i think you need to end this relationship and find yourself a healthy mutually respectful partner. sometimes parents are right too! we just cant see it at the time...good luck.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 June 2009):
 Let's agree first that verbal abuse is still considered domestic violence. In this relationship, why are you still trying when he is not? I highly recommend you end this relationship. Reason being, he's not giving you even the minimal respect you deserve.
He racked up 3k on your credit card, and won't pay you back, and you're still with him after he STEALS that amount of money from you. His excuse about dealing with your behavior does not justify what he had done. Also, if you went by putting up with the other person, it seems as if he owes you much more than that.
He's made so many excuses of why he feels he can treat you like crap. All of his excuses are crap, and you need to stop putting up with it. You do not deserve dealing with what you have been. It doesn't seem as if he's in a big hurry to treat you any better, so you need to end this relationship. You say you love him, but love does not include abuse.
That is my advise, END IT NOW!!!!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 June 2009):
 It looks like you are in a carbon copy of your old relationship. I think that a good therapist would help you work on your issues so that your next relationship will be better.
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