A
female
age
30-35,
*paintedzebra
writes:When I started uni I decided to do something I've wanted to do for as long as I remember but never had the freedom to; explore my sexuality. I had a one year relationship with a boy in high school, pretty much because it just sort of happened and was expected and was easier blah blah blah, and I couldn't exactly get with a girl when I went to an all girls catholic school. I enjoyed that straight relationship at the time though. But now I'm genuinely scared of the consequences of what I've done, and while I may be the most secure and sure person to speak about sexuality to my straight friends and find it easy to articulate everything I believe in for gay rights, deep down I have an internal fear of my own feelings. When I started getting with girls I felt completely in control of what I was doing, in my head it was meaningful and beautiful and liberating but I planned I could just switch back to guys whenever I was finished uni and wanted to settle down and in the long run start a family etc. But now I'm terrified of what I'm going through because I think I've lost that control, I can't imagine having a relationship or even a fling with a man again, I don't feel any desire to, I don't get crushes for guys anymore, I feel like I'm (and I hate to have to use this word) "doomed" to lesbianism now. I've only realised it in the last year now, and it scares me to death. I feel like I've made my bed and I have to sleep in it, I feel like I've brought so many problems upon myself, like it's some sort of punishment for messing around in the first place. My family will never accept it, I never planned on telling them or anyone back home because uni is like a double life. I can't turn to anyone for help because these feelings I'm having are against everything I believe in, everything my principles and morals stand for, all the things I debate for, and quite frankly I'm disgusted at myself for feeling this way. I shouldn't be associating being a lesbian with negativity, that's what's wrong with the world in the first place! But suddenly I am and I worry about the future, in the last six months I've become completely depressed about it. I'm truly scared of what I've become, I didn't realise that being introduced to something, and enjoying it and becoming used to it, could mean that I couldn't go back to what I did before. My emotions are all over the place, I feel torn between what I believe in and what I feel, I don't know what to do or how to approach this, I'm being to sicken myself.
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female
reader, Jo Evelyn +, writes (31 March 2011):
You should be happy with and proud of who and what you are!
I've ended up in a heterosexual marriage just to find at the age of 30 something that I am a lesbian. I am learning how to live with that. It's not easy but I absolutely believe that no man can ever give me what the woman I love can!!! And I am determined to stand up for myself. Perhaps you should slow down a bit and give yourself time which is hard especially if you are currently attracted to another girl. Being a lesbian is not all about having sex with women. I've always thought that there's nothing like the way in which two women can emotionally click; this plus the sexual side to it is what makes a lesbian relationship so beautiful; at least I think so but I am in love. I'm older than you but feel free to drop me a line if you wish to chat about that.
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (10 March 2011):
 The other answer is pretty much right, you did not make yourself gay by sleeping with women or by letting yourself try new things. If you hadn't explored your sexuality now, it would have happened some time in your life, you would have realised the man you were with, or something similiar, wasnt making you happy, and that would be a much harder situation to deal with.
When i realised i was gay i did everything i could to push it to the back of my mind and ignore it, but trust me it wont go away, it will always be there in the back of your mind.
What is it that makes you dont want to me gay so badly? is it your family, because you are right they may not like it, but they love you and trust me families can shock you with what they can accept if they really have to, they love you so they will want you to be happy, might take some time though. If you are worried about marriage and kids and the like, that is what bothered me to, but then a realised i could do all those things with a woman i love too.
You need to come out to yourself before you should worry about other people too, the hardest bit is letting yourself believe it.
And i know you know this but try and keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with been gay, lots of people are and most people really dont care about your sexuality at all.
I hope this helps if you ever want to chat about how are feeling then feel free to drop me a message, im from uk i go to uni and im gay so im sure i could help some.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You didn't choose to be a lesbian and your experimentation at college didn't cause you to get stuck this way either.
You said you have always felt this way a long as you can remember. And you can't just turn that off and on like a lightswitch. It is a part of who you are, it always was from the sound of it. All college did was give you the freedom to discover the truth about your sexuality in an non-judgemental environment.
The next step is to embrace it and learn to be comfortable with this new vision of who you are and how your life is going to be. As appossed to who you used to think you were and where you would end up. (married to a man with kids)...
Only once you have accomplished that will you feel free enough and comfortable enough with yourself to break the news to your friends and family back home. It's a long road between where you are now and where you'll be then. So give it time.
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