A
male
age
41-50,
*aperWeight
writes:I feel like such an idiot.I've been in a long distance relationship for more than three years. I'm in the UK and she's in Australia. We met on the internet, but quickly moved on to talking on the phone, and we'd talk for hours every day. For various reasons on both sides, we haven't been able to meet - it's so much more involved to arrange travel halfway across the world than it would have been if we were in Europe, or both lived in the same country.The relationship has always been great. Morally we've always been on the same page, and she's always been so vocal about the need for trust in a relationship, but recently she's been getting more and more distant and convinced I'm going to leave her, whether now or at some point in the future when we're together, because all of her past relationships have failed.She's always been pretty highly-strung but last night she told me how she'd had a photo taken where she looked really tired and run down. I asked her to send it to me so I could reassure her and she got upset and hung the phone up. I've not heard from her since.I don't know why, but I did a search on Google about internet and long distance relationships, and idly clicked a link about some guy finding out his online girlfriend was a fake. It recommended using Google Images to see if her photo was posted online. You can guess what's coming next.It was only a few photos, but let's be blunt, she sent me some more "personal" images that she made a big thing about how much she trusted me to send them, and it turned out they were from various porn sites. Just one photo would be bad enough, but there were several.I have no idea what to do now. She's clearly lied to me, and I have no idea how deep the lies go. The thing is, we've talked for around 6hrs a day, every single day for three years! We've exchanged gifts and she's spent a lot of money on me. Why would she do this if she was a fake? If I confront her about this, it's so easy for her to just hang up, delete her Facebook, not reply to e-mails and all the rest.There have been a couple of things that have raised questions before, but nothing like this - these photos are so obviously not her there are no excuses. I feel like an idiot, having been nothing but honest, but I've also invested my heart so much in this - my future feels like it's just disintegrating in front of me. I'm now in my early 30s - I feel like I'll never meet anyone else now I'm older, not to mention how used I feel.I just don't know what to do.
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facebook, her past, long distance, money, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 December 2012):
 Hi
Looks might not be important to you but it would be nice to know who your talking to after 3years.Women change their hair etc all the time so its not unreasonable to ask for a recent one and to offer one of yourself.
You seem to have a gut feeling here about her though. I wish you luck, hope life turns out ok for you. x
A
male
reader, PaperWeight +, writes (10 December 2012):
PaperWeight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm on her Facebook page, so have seen photos from holidays, parties and so on, but one of the photos she'd initially sent did show a face and this person looked the same as the photos on Facebook, but it turned out it wasn't her. Who knows - maybe the photos on Facebook have been carefully curated from the internet too. The trouble is, she deleted her old page a few months ago and started a new one that doesn't have photos, and I'm not the kind of guy that goes around saving photos of women from Facebook.
She says she never expected us to get this far, thinking I'd have left her by now. I just have to be very careful to make sure I'm not manipulated here - I think I have every right to ask for a photo, but I know she'll turn that around on me because I've always said that looks aren't important to me. I'm supposed to be going out to her next year, but I always had the feeling it wasn't going to happen - I'm sure something will come up...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 December 2012):
Hi
Ofcourse it hurts you have invested alot of yourself in her for 3 years. At least its out there now and you have asked for an explanation.And seen her reaction.
Have you ever seen actual day to day photos of her, the holiday snaps,family do's or night out kind,or has she never shown you any? Never asked her to chat on webcam? After 3 years you should have seen and done the above.
Only you know whats next, but take your time and have a breather from communicating with her for your own sake.
Also ask yourself where this is all going, as you have never even met, it takes meeting to see if you click in every way and then you eventually make plans to relocate to be together. Have you thought it through that far or discussed it?
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A
male
reader, PaperWeight +, writes (10 December 2012):
PaperWeight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo at first she claimed not to know anything about it, and said that it was such a long time ago (it was at the start of our relationship) she couldn't remember what she had or hadn't done. I reminded her that she'd even given me a backstory to the photos, so she clearly knew at the time that she was lying. I should say, I never asked her, or put pressure on her, to send me these photos - she did it of her own accord.Then she got angry, and told me that if I was going to throw away our relationship because of something she did three years ago I was welcome to leave, and asked if I didn't have better things to do than dig up old photos, and that I must have been really bored to do that,Then she got upset and said how I deserved better and that she'd done it because she was scared, and that men had only ever wanted those kinds of things from her in the past. It both showed me that she didn't trust me with photos of her, but also that she was comfortable lying to me.A huge part of me doesn't want these past three years to go to waste, but the other part is asking what, if anything, is actually real. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I think the trust is broken.I'm so confused and this hurts so much.
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A
male
reader, PaperWeight +, writes (9 December 2012):
PaperWeight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should be talking to her in a couple of hours. I'm just going to put the facts to her and see how she responds.I suppose the most important thing about this is that I'm not angry. I know I have every right to be, but I don't want this to turn into baggage and a hurt I'm going to carry into the future. In the end I just want to know what's real and what's fake.Thank you so much for your support - I'll post back here to let you know how my conversation goes.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 December 2012):
Hi
The money spent on phone calls and presents could have been spent on tickets to visit..........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): When I first read your question I thought she had sent you photos of someone else's face too. That would be a much bigger deal to me. If it is just the explicit photos she has lied about, it could simply be the fact that she is embarassed about her body and thought you would be more excited by theirs? Or she wanted to please you but wasn't comfortable sending photos of herself half naked for whatever reason? There could be many reasons for why, but I'll guarantee it's rooted in her own self esteem somewhere. I agree it was silly, but I don't think it is the worst thing to lie about either. I think it was a misguided attempt to impress you and turn you on. Maybe she thought she could shape up to look like that by the time you met? I personally don't think it's a big enough thing to end a 3 year relationship over.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Have you never seen a real picture of her? How do you even know how old she is or even if she is married?
I think if someone was lying to me over such a long period of time, I'd wanna know why.
I also am amazed that you guys never saw eachother on webcam...surely that would have been better and cheaper than talking for 6 hours on the phone.
You are owed an explaination.
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A
male
reader, PaperWeight +, writes (9 December 2012):
PaperWeight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the comments so far. I really appreciate them.She's e-mailed me a little while ago and I've told her I need to talk about something. She's said that she doesn't feel good about a lot of things, and that she's in a dark place, but when I told her I want to talk, and not over e-mail, she said there's nothing to talk about. She doesn't know I've found out the things I have.The stupid thing is that I've started to question myself, as if maybe she'll have an explanation for it all. She's had lots of photos on her Facebook page over the years, and the few of those I've searched for don't come up as anything - just the more explicit ones she'd sent me directly. I'd always assumed in the past that she had cropped the heads off in case they got into the wrong hands and she didn't want to be identified. Maybe it's just those ones?When it comes down to it though, it's a matter of trust. If she's lied about this, what else has she lied about? I just don't understand why though. Over the years she's sent me expensive gifts and spent thousands on phone calls, and she hasn't asked me for anything. One thing's for certain though - this isn't the kind of thing I can just forget about and not mention to her. I'll post another response when I've spoken to her properly. Thank you so much though for the comments so far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I have to agree with Lady In Love. You have been in a relationship together for more than 3 years, and I can tell you with confidence that this alone shows a great deal of mental compatibility between you two already, because maintaining any romantic relationship for 3 years isn't an easy job at all, let alone a long distance one.
Here are my suggestions: confront her and ask for more detail about the matter in a calm, soothing manner. Avoid getting angry or emotional.
You should try to understand this IF you're stil left with feelings for her and see the future with her, because she might have psychological issues with her looks, etc. Don't give up on her easily.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Dear OP, I was involved in something similar. Don´t speak with her ever. She is not even "somebody that you used to know", because you didn`t know her.
"She's clearly lied to me, and I have no idea how deep the lies go"-no need to find out, you know enough.
Delete her and go ahead,
all the best.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 your surprised...i get that, but what do you mean you don't know what to do, if she is such a bad girl you wouldn't have fun fun talking with her for 6 hours per days for 3 years, if she is a lier their is no way she can keep on the lie that long.your in love honey and so is she go for it! don't tell her what you have seen now, do it after your together again, because maybe just maybe she is away now because she is so done with lies and wants to come clear at last.give the issue some time and think it hard, its not that easy to trust a man from the internet with my personal stuff photos cause no matter you are tight you are still a stranger.don't give up on her she needs you now the most to tell her that you are not like anyone before and then she will come to you walking on her bare feet if she has to....give it time and give her hope that you're still their for her so she can come back to your opened armspost on her facebook wall: my phone is bored give him a call..be funny al women love thatgood luck:)
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A
female
reader, Dangerously Enthusiastic. +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I've been there darling.
It's hard because you'e wasted 3 years on a lie.
Let's suppose it a lie of course.
I think it's best to move on sweety. It's been 3 years and there's no meeting each-other and the fact she's being ignorant is even worse.
Find a another. I know the worst saying you could hear now is 'there are more fish in the sea' but it's true.
You won't want to hear it but you can find someone who you can see everyday and build a healthy relationship.
HOWEVER.
Since you have spent a long time on this girl you won't forget her. But try.
You still young. Get out there. Live life to the full because you only get one shot so why waste it on what seems to me like an impossible relationship.
Good Luck. x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I am sorry that you got yourself caught up in this for so long. That is the thing about the internet you just don't know someone until you actually spend genuine time with them. My guess is that she has confidence issues by the way she looks so she covers up by using someone else's photo's to make herself feel better, but probably just makes her feel much worse. You need to tell her what you have found and then end this. You are not to old to meet someone, so get that idea out of your head. I know you probably feel like a fool but it is a mistake to learn from. Now is the time to get out and socialize away from the computer. Meet people and go on dates and you will soon feel better.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 December 2012):
Hi
Switch off the PC and start to get over her.She isn't what she seems, at least not physically, so has been a fraud really the whole time.What a waste of your time.Surprised you've never seen her via webcam in 3 years too.
Good luck anyway- you've plenty of time to meet somebody new, so enjoy dating.
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