A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about a 'relationship' I'm in. I am sort of seeing a guy, I say sort of for reasons I'll explain in this question. I met him while I was visiting a friend abroad. I ended up having what I thought to be a one night stand, he took my name and number, but I didn't expect to ever hear from or see him again. The next thing I know, I get an email from him at my work! He had apparently tried to text me but took my number down wrong and it didn't work, so he googled me and tracked me down and initiated contact. He says he's never done that for a girl before. Naturally I thought, wow this guy is really into me. Since then we have talked every day and I just got back from visiting him again. It is difficult enough trying to maintain something over a distance, even though it's just a few minutes flight from here. But it doesn't help when you just don't know where you stand exactly. Often, he seems very besotted with me, being very affectionate, giving me many compliments, and listening and caring about my feelings, being actually quite sweet etc. He brings me into his personal life telling me all about his friends and family, hopes and dreams etc. I know he's talked about me with his friends. But then he goes a bit aloof sometimes and it really throws me. We've never actually said how we feel about one another, but he asks me things like: do you ever plan on settling down and living together because I do, do you ever want to have kids, etc. Very leading questions. He says he used to just play the field but he actually finds it very empty and just can't be bothered. He'd like to settle down with someone. His messages will have xoxo. I tease him about some of the things he does trying to impress me, and he says in all seriousness: Well, you have to work to make something special right? He even gave up hanging out with his buddies to have time alone with me. But does he say he likes me/loves me, or I am his girlfriend? No. When I was just there staying with him, he started talking generally about relationships and says things like: It's been awhile since I had an actual girlfriend other than just some random messing around for a couple months or something. My friends think I should do online dating or something but I just don't want to. Of course I'm thinking uh, hello, girl here who likes you, why are you talking about dating???? And does that make me just some random messing around? Are we not dating? Then he gets on a topic about people in the military and how all that time apart just can't work. He says: You really can't bond with someone who isn't around. So I think, well, thanks, I do live in another country you know.... I didn't say anything at the time because I felt afraid to. I'm always reading about how girls shouldn't ever ask a guy to 'define a relationship' or push him in any way to reveal his feelings etc. But I'm having a lot of anxiety about this and I don't know how much longer I can carry on that way. Over knowing each other this time, I have developed feelings for him, and I assumed based on his behaviour that he does for me as well. In the past I have brought up things that bothered me and to his credit, he has listened and taken it on board every time. He apologises on his own without me prompting him to do so, and whenever I suggest something he says he will try and do so from now on, rather than getting angry. But the biggest issue of all, how he really feels about me and where do I fit in exactly remains a mystery. I just don't know what to do. I am very scared that I could be getting into something that could potentially end in tears. I am rarely interested in a man, and he initiated everything and from the start seemed more keen than me. Now I feel like I'm the one who's more keen because he won't tell me what I am to him.Should I ask him, or tell my feelings? How do I know I'm not being played?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): You should be blunt. I would just flat out ask him before expressing my feelings, but that's just me. If you don't ask now and establish what you are, you'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it, and you could potentially be setting yourself up for failure. It seems like most guys would make it a point to let you know what you are to them (he did admit to tracking you down, didn't he?). The fact that he's making all of these statements and still hasn't clearly stated what you guys are has me worried, but he could possibly be shy. If you're too scared to ask him in person, email or send him a text message. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): I couldn't figure out how else to reply to your answers! Thanks for that. Yes, I have been thinking I just need to ask and get it over with. I guess I'm just worried of scaring him away by trying to get him to say something he may not be ready to say yet. I dunno. He has told me that I would make a really good citizen of the town he lives in, like hint hint! He says that he wants to eventually have a partner and live together etc. I know he's not in some great hurry or anything, but he has future on mind, and he keeps asking me the questions about it, so I've assumed he's thinking of me in it!
I will endeavour to work up some courage to put it to him in the easiest, non threatening way possible!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Hi
I would just outright ask him so you know where you stand.His conversation about distance relationships is like telling you he wants to be seeing a local girl, also the fact he is talking about not having a girlfriend for ages says alot.
He clearly liked you as he went to alot of trouble tracking you down,could be reality has kicked in now, or he may wonder where your heading.LDR can't go on for years indefinately can it.Have you ever had the 'are we exclusive' chat?
Take the bull by the horns talk to him,he's the only person who knows whats going on.
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A
female
reader, Tee97  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 im also asking myselg about the same thing that your going through and i understand how your feeling it hurts so much to be with a man who you really love and never hear him telling you that he loves you and what your hoping for in a relationship...this could also help me as well ur story is related to mine
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