A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi AllIve been with my partner a while now, it is LDR but we have done the usual normal couple stuff, gone on hols etc and talk every night, and see each other every week (and spend all our hols together). We are planning to move in together in 5 months from now when we have money saved.Last night when i got home from spending the weekend together, i noticed she had added someone new to her facebook ...her last ex before she met me (it came on my ticker).She has a lot of history with the guy, he was both the first guy she loved and also the married guy she much later had an affair with (all before she met me, it came out in a drunken chat)Anyway i didnt make a fuss but i did ask if that was the guy she had an affair with a while ago and she said yes.She said he sent her a request out of the blue, that they hadnt previously spoken since she met me and although they have chatted a bit the night she added him to facebook that she has no intention of meeting him etc.She said 'hope your ok with that?' and i said yes, that i dont want to be a controlling type.I believe she has no intention of taking it past talking... i do actually trust herSo all should be fine right?.Yet it is eating me up knowing she is chatting to this guy she loved so much a few years back, and the fact HE is local and i am at the moment a long distance away makes it seem worseHow do i deal with this? i am NOT going to spy on her fb or anything like that...but i am finding it difficult not to badger her with questions and to not let it affect how i interact with herI dont even know why it is bothering me when i dont believe she would cheat??Thanks
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affair, drunk, facebook, her ex, jealous, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feedback guys and girls it has been really helpful indeed.
I think your right, she offered to remove him without me asking her- which made all the difference... i feel a bit daft for getting worked up really. I actually told her not to bother removing him- it suddenly seemed unimportant.
She has never given me reason to be suspicious, she leaves tablets/phones/laptops lying around all logged into social media and is never secretive
In short i think i worked myself up over nothing and im glad i didnt TELL her to remove him
Thanks again all.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 That's pretty normal to feel like that, because once you spoke to her and she didn't get defensive and tell you it was an issue not to talk to him, it made you realize that he is not important to her at all, so this settled the nerves you had about him contacting her. All the best for the future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 Because she showed you where her loyalty lies. She knows he isn't worth keeping in touch with if it hurt your feelings..
And... because now you know he IS NOT competition.
Pretty basic human behavior/feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update, we spoke about it tonight
In a nutshell she said if i wanted her to remove him and never speak to him again...she would do
I know this is gonna seem crazy, but once she offered i no longer cared about him
how odd is that?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 March 2016):
Why do you think she will immediately get defensive and think you cannot trust her, has something like this happened between you both in the past?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responsesTo answer you, i already know what will happen if i say i am uncomfortable with it and that i dont understand why she accepted his requestShe will say it feels rude to ignore his request, and then imply i cant trust her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): Its simple man you cant have your cake and eat it too. If it bothers you then why play it cool. Be honest. Always.If you don't care then that's great. But their is no point in hiding how you feel if it is eating away at you like this because at the end of the day if this is the women that you want to be with then your commitment to each other will inevitably be tested and you need to be prepared for that.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 March 2016):
 I agree with Aunt Honesty's response. I'd first tell her you feel uncomfortable with the situation. I know that if my partner decided to "friend" an ex on Facebook (or any social media site), I'd be troubled by it. This would be doubly so in your situation just on account that your girlfriend might be less than scrupulous with her choice in men.
I think you did yourself a disservice by not telling her your feelings about her situation. She asked for your opinion on the matter and you took the easy road. I don't think it is controlling to say, "Hey, this bothers me."
You better figure out now how she is going to react when you decide to speak up. And also, she is going to do what she wants in situations like this. The sooner you find out her true motivations, the better you can make an informed decision on whether this is really the woman for you.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 February 2016):
You just need to be honest with her about how you feel, if you don't you will begin resenting her. This is not controlling, it would be if you where telling her she cannot talk to him, but you are not you cannot help how you feel and I think you should be honest with her, it will make you feel better and she knows where she stands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response, to answer you i am supposed to be moving to her area and doing a commute while looking for other work
I think your right i either need to ignore it completely....or if i cant get over it i need to accept that something is wrong and walk away
She genuinely seems to think it is fine to natter to someone with so much history, i would never do that..i have no exes on my fb or email etc.
But i should have said from the start how uncomfortable i am about it all...i was just worried about coming over as controlling
Thanks
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2016):
Where are you two planning on moving in 5 months? Near her or your location? Or somewhere in the middle?
Personally, I would NOT bring him up. BUT only because you said you were OK with it. So prove to her that you trust her by not bringing it up and ignoring it.
If that doesn't work for you, TELL her (next time you are face to face) that you thought you were OK with her talking to him, but that you actually don't like it. And I would ask her why she feels the need to add him. This is not some old friend who came out of the woodwork, this is something she has a LOT of baggage and history with.
If you can't be honest with her, how can you two trust each other?
I don't think it's controlling to tell someone that you aren't keen on them being in contact with an ex lover. However that should go both ways, which means you can't get butthurt that she added him, if you have several exes on yours.
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