A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Hope you can help with a dilemma.I met a great guy 18 months ago and now we are engaged.Our first two weeks were strange though. He was convinced it was the real deal me less so. Two weeks later we split before getting back together after a week apart.My problem is this last week, whilst going through some old text messages I realised I met up and hooked up with an ex, 2 weeks after meeting my fiance. I always thought we met when my fiance and I split but my text messages show it was 10 days into our relationship! I was still dating during the first few weeks of our relationship eventhough my fiance went exclusive straight away. However my ex was the only other guy during the period I had any physical contact with.I am now riddled with guilt and shame. I have tried talking to my fiance who has dismissed it as early days but I am horribly torn and wonder whether he thinks we just met up not hooked up.I have no more contact with my ex. I am just ashamed and wondering what I should do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): OP here.
In response to question below, I have said to my fiance that I hooked up with an ex and said that we got up to stuff, he's always cuts me off and said "it was early days". I have spoken to him twice about this. He genuinely doesn't ask anymore and I don't say, as he is very dismissive.
My difficulty is I don't want to rub his face in it, so obviously dont want to dwell on the physical contact side. I feel like it is opening a fresh wound. But I too have worried does he actually know I slept with someone else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): I smell some deception here.
Does your new guy know that you slept with your ex at that time? If you don't think he knows then you will go on feeling guilty no matter what excuses or rationalizations you or everyone else dreams up. Cheating is deception and you are deceiving him by leaving that part out.
If you think your new guy does know there was sex involved, then yeah I think you need to quit beating yourself up over it now. You don't have to be happy with yourself about it but you do need to quit letting this destroy your new relationship. Your new guy does not want that.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 No offence but you sound like your are your own worst enemy. Your fiancee is cool as should you be then. Be a bit different if you two were in a committed relationship but lets face it, that was not the case back then. He is probably happy that you have been up front and concerned over such a thing. Lighten up on yourself and put it to bed.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this but it looks like you are trying to sabotage your current relationship.
Let's rewind a bit: after two weeks of knowing your current fiance, you broke up (temporarily) and you decided to see if there was anything between your ex and yourself. Or maybe it was a casual fling. Obviously your ex didn't work out and you eventually re-united with your boyfriend.
While it is sort of regrettable about what you did there is nothing you can do to change history. Clearly, you thought it was over between your current partner. What were you supposed to have, a crystal ball to see the future? Also, after two weeks of dating, I doubt you were exclusive or had a formal commitment set up.
I think now that you are engaged you are either getting stage fright or perhaps trying to sabotage your future. You've already come clean and he's obviously let it go too. The real question is, why can't you and why can't you forgive yourself?
Eddie
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 If your Fiance has said it was early days well then leave it at that and move forward. I am not sure why you are beating yourself up over this, do you feel you don't deserve to be this happy? Are you completely sure this is the man you want to marry? Or is there something else worrying you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2016):
 Would any of this have been an issue had you not gone through these messages? Are you looking for something to beat yourself up for?
This seems like an over-reaction to an unnecessary analysis.
Could it be that you are feel you are too happy and it can't possibly be real so you are finding a reason to blow it all sky high?
"Riddled with guilt and shame." Wow, that's harsh on yourself.
You hadn't promised to be exclusive, you had known the guy for TEN DAYS, your fiancee has dismissed it as early days.
If you really want to open this up as a fresh wound, then by all means, hash out all the details with your fiancee.
Ask yourself why you are trying to sabotage your happiness.
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