A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my girlfriend four months ago on a mission trip to Ukraine. It was a very emotional experience visiting orphanages with children with special needs. Apart from that experience I met her and we had a connection right away and built up our relationship up. One thing led to another and I eventually asked her out when we were in Ukraine. Our affection and love for each other grew and it seemed right and meant to be. I am a freshman in college(18 years old) and she is a sophmore (20yrs) The trip ended and we both knew from the beginning that we would be in a long distance relationship for some time. I live in MN and she lives in NYC, the distance has been really hard on us and has made many things difficult. After Ukraine we have seen each other in person a total of 3 times. I visited her right after the trip and this is where we had sex for the time and said I love you. The second time she came to visit me in MN we had a great time and our love grew more and more. She left and it would roughly be 6—8 weeks before I saw her again, I took a trip for her birthday and spent time with her for four days. During that time in between we had some fights and disagreements, we would make up for them but at a distance they really hurt and took a tole. When I visited her on her birthday we had a very good weekend, we were very close and had no issues at all. The weekend went by fast and the next time I was supposed to see her was thanksgiving which was 7 weeks away. After two weeks her phone broke and she had to spend a lot of money for a new one, she doesn’t have a steady income and could not afford the trip to see me during thanksgiving. This really hurt us and sucked, but I was making plans to see her for 3 weeks during winter break. Recently and since I saw her for her birthday we have had some fights, and it feels like the fights come from just having the distance and being sad and frustrated with having to deal with it, and the added stress of dealing with it may be causing the fights. I recently bought my plane tickets to see her for three weeks, we were both really excited and couldn’t wait to get through the 10 week wait. Two days ago we got into this convo and she told me she is hurting a lot and that she doesn’t know if she can do this distance anymore and felt like I was constricting her at times. Last night she told me she wants to go on a break and maybe get back together based on what happens with this time in between me seeing her, and get back together when I go out east for winter break if everything works out well. She said she wants to talk a break because she wants to experience college and not look back and feel she was being held back. She does she still loves me, and she still wants to have a future together when I make plans to come out to the east coast, which I was trying to do for next fall. She just doesn’t want to be bound by a relationship right now but, she says that she wants a future and I am very confused and don’t know what to think. I truly love her, and want to be with her right now. This break is really hard on me, and I am staying strong through the distance and she just gives up. She says that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone or do anything, and that with the time apart we should keep in mind “do to others what you want them to do to you” in the sense of going off and finding someone else to be with. So hopefully this means she isnt break this up to look for someone else and she doesn’t want me to find someone else. Another important point is that she still wants to talk and keep each other updated with our lives. I am really hurting and have been doing some research and from what I read I should give her distance and not try and talk a lot. IDK what to do or think in this situation, any help or experience is really appreciated. I wanna be with her, I want to get her back and I want to be with her in the future. If you need more information ask any questions please. I need help, my hearts hurting a lot. I am confused I dont know what to do to bring her back to me and make this work out.
View related questions:
a break, get back together, I love you, long distance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Ok dont go out and visit her because you are right it would just be friends with benefits and you will end up both just losing respect for each other am sorry but it is either one way or another hear, either she is willing to make the relationship work or else you need to go your seperate ways, it sounds like she has made up her mind and now she is trying to twist it so it sounds like you are to blame dont let her do this to you tell her you need space to get over her and dont contact each other until you are over her then maybe you can become friends but not with benefits.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here is an update I am sooo confused
This morning she texted me saying if you dont want to speak to eachother at all during this please tell me so i dont have the wrong idea
I told her i thought she wanted space and that from what I understood she wanted the break to find herself and see if she wanted a relationship
she told me that she never asked for that, and she wanted to still speak. I am confused and ask her then why are we taking this break.
She replies, "cause the distacne was killing me and i dont want to keep fighting cause we are apart." I reassured her saying I dont want that to feel like that either and I asked her what she wants to happen or what she feels.
She tells me, "I want us to still speak and be happy but without the serious relationship and drama of it all cause it was weighing me down and making me unhappy."
I tell her that i feel she doesnt want a serious relationship and that if we werent by the time i was visiting her then idk if i could be intimate because it would feel like friends with benefits.
she replied sounding frustrated "well then i guess we hafta rethink this again cuase last time we talked i thought everything was ok... if you dont think you can see me then maybe you need to cancel your flight."
I told her i want to come but she asked for space and asked to not have a bf/gf title so I am just trying to make her happy and fulfill her wish. and i tell her you want to talk and want to love me but you dont want a serious relationship, it just confuses me, wouldnt u just feel like friends then and nothing more?
she replied " no because i still love you and want you in my life but i need to focus on myself and school right now.. sorry thats so much to ask. if you cant come on december i understand but id be upset."
I said its not to much to ask i want you to do what makes you happy. I want you to come and I want to be with you , but you want space and dont want a bf/gf situation, idk what to think
she basically ends it by saying "k well ill let you figure it out talk to me when you are ready."
Obviously I want to be with her right now and try and work on the fights that bring us down. It seems like she gives up on that but still loves me and still want to act like gf/bf when I come out. It really confuses me. I feel like she is blaming me and saying that I am making this harder then it should be, when I am giving her what she asked. Is not talking to her/replying to her texts the wrong thing in this situation? What do I do to get her back, what do at all?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe also tried to contact me tonight by texting me hey, if she says I love you or tries talk to me do I reply or do i ignore her? and for how long, I feel like she would get angered if I ignored her completely.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses, right now I am completely ignoring her and seeing if she really loves and wants me. She said she wants to kiss me on new years and have fun when I come out but I am not trying to be friends with benefits. I really want to get her back, i dont know what the best course of action is. She said though that if things go well with this time apart and we figure it out she might want to date again when I come out, but that leaves me thinking what will happen when I come back home? Idk I am hurting a lot, trying to not think about this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Johnny2301 +, writes (27 October 2010):
 As a fellow Minnesotan that lives in the Twin Cities I felt compelled to respond to your request for advice. The fact of the matter is that long distance relationships are complicated. I have been involved in a long distance relationship for approximately six years while I have been pursuing my higher education. However, my girlfriend is not as far as New York so it is reasonable for us to visit each other at least on a monthly basis. I can understand not wanting to miss the "college experience" by being tied down--whether or not one intends on dating other people, long distance relationships truly have a means of limiting what one does in college.
It sounds as if she is expecting the two of you to go on with your lives throughout college and then continue dating when that period of your life is over. This is concerning because either of you may meet someone else during this time. In all honestly, it seems rather unrealistic that both of you will wait until you are done with college to continue this relationship. If it is indeed the case that the two of you love each other, then perhaps a 'break' should not be taken.
These things aside, it is a plus that she wants the two of you to stay informed about what goes on in your lives. If you are going to go through all this effort, however, why not just retain the relationship with the expectation that neither of you will hold the other back regarding college opportunities (i.e., travel abroad, etc.)?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 October 2010):
Ok it sounds like your ex just wants to be a student without having a boyfriend to care about, but if she says she loves you then i dont completely understand why she needs this freedom at the end of the day if she stays with you the only things she cant experience is going with other men so am afraid to break it to you but this sounds exactly why she doesnt want to be with you she is young and wants to play the field for a bit before she settles down, am sure it is nothing to do with you it is probably the pressure of the distance between the both of you. and the best thing probably would be to give yourselves a break until you can both commit to being together and planning a future were you can both live near each other.
However if you dont want to lose her you need to tell her straight away that you dont want to give up on your relationship and both of you can work hard on the distance until you can both live near to each other tell her she is worth to much than just to let go without a fight.
...............................
|
