A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:I'm back again after obsessing about my LDR. And more questions to ask. The relationship is going rather well, we talk everyday, our phone conversations are great. I have visited him four times now and had an ok time. He is supposed to visit me here to but seems to always have a reason to not come one weekend it was work, but that's ok... I mean you have to work sometimes, it's the other times. Like one weekend he didn't have the money, one weekend his truck broke down, one weekend he went fishing.. Etc .. And I have noticed that when we do go out I end up paying for everything after having to pay for a motel room to stay in. He hasn't invited me to his house yet and it been 4 months. I found that a little strange, he said it was because he had been working on it and it was a mess. I'm just concerned that Im investing more in the relationship than he is. We are planning in going on vacation together, a vacation I had planned before I met him. And I'm worried he won't have any money.. I know I make more money than him about double to what he makes, but I also have the bills to go with it. Should I be concerned about this?My kids met him last weekend and seem to like him but I still haven't met his kids and when I ask about meeting them he says well they are at their moms on weekends. I need some help figuring this out. I care deeply for him and would like to have a future with him, but I don't want to be used. Any help is appreciated .
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Good luck to you. Thank you for the followup. I hope it all works out for you!
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (28 May 2013):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the advice, I'm going to pull back. Little and see what happens. And the background Check isn't a bad idea either and I hadn't really thought about it. I will let everyone know what happens.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
I think So Very Confused has given you excellent advice, and you should follow it.
The HUGE red flag for me is that you go visit him and yet he doesn't invite you to his home. That's seriously odd. I think he is married and lives with his wife.
I have an extreme suggestion but I think as you have formed an attachment to this man to the extent that you have introduced him to your children, that you need to take drastic steps to check him out.
Get a background check on him. Pay the $50 or whatever it is and get the full scoop, family status, living situation, any arrests, etc.
If you don't know his home address after 4 months, yet you travel to meet him…. well, that's just not right.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2013):
 You should be uneasy. Red flags abound.
If you have been to visit him and he won’t make the effort to visit you, that’s concerning. I admit my husband and I had an uneven LDR the first year or so but that was logistics and it was easier for us to be at his place vs mine for many reasons. But once we planned him coming to what is now our home, he never canceled or backed out.
You have been to him 4 times and he manages to never make the effort to come to you.
The fact that he does NOT HAVE the money to come visit is very disconcerting. LDRS require a few things and one of them is MONEY.
He chose to go fishing vs. seeing you; clearly you are not on the top of his priority list.
You go visit him, you pay for your motel room (do not stay with him) and then you pay for all your activities…. HUGE red flags here.
YOU ARE investing more in this relationship than he is. MORE TIME (travel) MORE MONEY, more emotions, more EFFORT.
He won’t’ have money for the vacation. I can promise that. Why should he?
Yes the fact that he’s not giving you any indications of actually making effort towards this relationship should leave you VERY concerned. When I started with my husband, I spent my money to travel to him but he paid for our visits (dinner, and movies usually) and he bought me gifts…. When we got serious and we combined our funds, he paid off tons of my debt that he did not have to and he paid to fix up what is now our home)
My advice will be painful for you…. STOP rowing this relationship boat and see what happens. Because TALKING to him will net you cheap words with no actions. IF you want to see what he feels and really means, you have to “force his hand” so to speak.
Here are the rules I would suggest:
1. Do not call him, wait for him to call or contact you
2. Do not ask to see him wait for him to ask to see you
3. Do NOT go to him, tell him he must come to you
4. Do NOT pay for him. If you do see him, pay your own way nothing more.
5. Do not go on vacation with him if he does not give you money for it in advance to cover his expenses.
In fact, I would assume he’s not going to make vacation if he has to pay and I’d make other plans far enough in advance with a friend if you don’t want to go alone . I’m willing to bet he does not have the funds for the vacation.
Your uneasiness is natural and normal and you should listen to your judgement.
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A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (27 May 2013):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a reply to the first answer. No I haven't met his friends or and of his family. I know his oldest son knows about me. He called to thank me for his birthday present, but other than that, he has said that his dad and brother and sister know about me but I haven't met or talked to them. Question is if I am his little secret, what is going on in his real life? I have an uneasiness too. Thanks for helping
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Oh dear. This all sounds a bit dubious.You haven't been to his house.You haven't met his children.You pay for the motel when you go to see him.You pay for everything when you see him.He keeps making excuses as to why he can't come to you at the weekends.Have you met any of his friends? if not, ask yourself why not - are you his little secret which he's hiding from his real life?My advice would be to step back on the spending and see what happens. Tell him that he has to pay half when you meet up. Tell him that for every time you go to see him you would like him to come to see you - it's only fair. As for the vacation... I think your suspicions are correct and you will end up paying for everything again. If you are happy to do this and can afford to pay for a vacation for two people, then go and have fun.But it does sound like he's keeping you a secret from the rest of his life and that he's using you to fund his little secret. It sounds like you are paying out a lot of money, time, and emotional effort on someone who could be using you and has a whole life that you don't know about. I just feel uneasy about this one, so please tread carefully.
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