A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of over a year has me a little confused.We are moderately long distance - he lives about 2 hours drive away.For the past few weeks he's been saying how he misses me a lot (he does say this an hour after I leave his place though) and really wants to spend time together, fair enough so I've made more time to spend with him but (always a but) he's refuses to spend more time with me at my place. He seems to also be spending a lot more time with his co workers, ignoring the fact that it's mostly a female coworker, he just seems to be going out(even booking days off) and spending time either shopping or drinking with these people whilst claiming he wants more time with me. I'm just a bit confused, hes not the type to run off with someone else but he's also very sensitive, if I was to mention this stuff straight up (happened previously) he would act like I'm accusing him of something. Anyone able to help me make sense of this? It seems probably something stupid and small.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Ahh, how good has the poor sensitive little flower got it?
Sex travels to him, and if he wants a little bit more it travels a little bit more, he is aware you are the one doing all the travelling, so while you are fresh in his mind, like an hour after you leave HIS place once again he sends a nice little message to give you a nice little rosy glow and to plant a little seed for your return.
And while you are not there he lives the life of a single bloke, taking time off to pursue other friendships and do the sort of stuff he wont travel to you to do, lunches and shopping and a few convivial drinks.
I can see the benefits of the relationship to him, but please tell me, what are the benefits you are reaping, besides clocking up travel hours?
Think about it, his actions don't match his words and he wont discuss it because he is "sensitive," Pig's Bum he's sensitive, he wont discuss it because he knows he is not doing the right thing by you.
End it and find somebody who is willing to put in an equal amount of effort.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 February 2018):
 I think maybe an LDR is not for either of you, not long term (and most LDR's are not long term by definition - there has to be some set goals for living closer or together at some point or.. it's just not viable).
Apparently you two can TALK about it because he is "sensitive"... no, I think it's because he KNOWS what he is doing isn't HELPING the relationship but he doesn't CARE because he WANTS to do whatever HE wants to do.
So how are you to fix this?
If you are ALWAYS the one to travel to go see him, and he doesn't INVEST time or effort into seeing you, then how committed is he really?
While I'm a HUGE fan of people having a social life aside from a relationships, there needs to be a balance between friends and a partner. Or even better INCLUSION of the partner with activities you do with friends.
Have you met these female coworkers?
And have you EVER asking him how he would feel if YOU did the same? You hung out with guys and took time of work to hang out with them?
Maybe you should.
And maybe... you need to realize that this LDR is reaching it's expiration date.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): I think he's throwing you off his trail, and he's dating on the side. Face it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): Thus are the trials, tribulations, and challenges of long-distance relationships.
If he says he wants more time, ask him to prove it. Suggest if he wants more time; all he has to do is get off his duff, and come see you. Inform him, you will believe it when you see it!
I think he says it to appease you and to let himself off-the-hook for letting you down by not holding-up his end of the LDR. He makes you exert all the effort while he claims what isn't demonstrated and proven by his actions. So to ease his guilt and flip it onto you, he say he wants more time. That's his excuse for what he's been doing.
Since neither of you live together, or haven't compromised to meet in the middle. Why not stay at a nice hotel for day-cations on days off, or extended weekends? Plan your vacations together until you decide if you want to get a place together. LDR's are supposed to have an expiration-date for living apart. You're supposed to close the distance and carry-on together as a couple.
I guess he's got something to prove to you; and you've got something serious to process through your mind, heart, and soul. Is this enough, and is it worth it?
I would think he's entitled to a social-life; considering he doesn't have to travel two hours for friends and company. I do find it suspicious he spends time with a particular female out of the group; and I suggest you address that one head-on. That's far too convenient to be innocent, and drinking is always the handy excuse for mistakes. "Blame it on the alcohol." I'd say it's dating, and she's filling in for you.
I think you're the one hanging-on. I think he has found a way to compensate, in spite of what he says.
Now you're asking other people what you should do. How is it stupid and small? Then why are you seeking advice about it?
He's not one to run-off with someone else? Then why'd you bring it up?
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