A
female
age
30-35,
*llaBee
writes:I'm so confused, I don't know what to do!I need some help :(My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship. We met while we were both travelling, thinking at first that it was only going to be a holiday fling. Well, 6 months down the track we're still together, having spent 2 months living together oversea while both on break from college. We both had to return home at the start of March for school,and haven't seen each other since. Shortly after we parted, I confessed a few things to my boyfriend that I'd held back from him. Once, he asked if on my travels I'd slept with anyone but him- I lied, and said no, when in fact there had been ONE other person,before we even met. He is the jealous type, and I knew it would drive him nuts if he knew about it, so I held it back even though I knew it was wrong to lie, I do regret it. WELL, when he found out he went absolutely nuts- called me every name under the sun, said he didn't even know me anymore. Turns out when we were together he'd also read my phone, which I have never deleted anything from in the two years I've had it, and went through some texts from people I'd dated in the past. Like I said, he's the jealous type. Anyways, in the end we decided to stay together and try work past what happened.Two months down the track, he's still angry about what happened, and treats me absolutely nothing like he used to. He's even gone so far to say that he doesn't love me anymore. We're hoping to meet up again sometime in the next few months, but am seriously having doubts if I should even bother. He never calls, never texts, is cold and distant and argues with me about every little thing I say. I can't talk to him about any of the concerns I have, I try and he just flips out and gets even angrier at me. Our relationship is long distance but we had decided to be exclusive- or so I thought. I'm pretty sure he's been seeing/was seeing someone else on the side- he doesn't know I know about it yet, and I'm too scared to ask him about it.So, basically, should I stay in this relationship? I do love him and I think we could have a future together, it's just hard with the distance between us, I honestly think we wouldn't have these problems if we were together. But when is enough enough? I can't stick around and be tortured forever :(Help:(
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female
reader, EllaBee +, writes (27 April 2011):
EllaBee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update: I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our issues, asked him if he was seeing someone else etc and he flipped out at me, so I broke up with him. I also did some detective work and found the girl he'd been dating for the last two months behind my back. She was very grateful I contacted her. She had noooo idea I existed, we chatted for a while, actually got along really well. So now I have a very sad, very stupid ex boyfriend who has lost pretty much everything, and a lovely new friend in his 'other' girlfriend... there's always a silver lining I guess :)
Thanks again for your help
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 April 2011):
 EllaBee, the financial strain you feel you should have mentioned he is under would not have altered my answer one jot, but if you had mentioned you have been helping out with money my answer would have been a little more emphatic.
This is a toxic relationship. There is nothing here for you, it is all his way or none at all, good relationships are partnerships, and each person balances the other.
Just do whatever you need to do to get out of it, and dont worry about trying to do the right thing by discussing or trying to explain, just make it a clean cut and get out of it, set your emails for his messages to go to junk and if he phones dont answer or hang up. He deserves nothing from you.
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A
female
reader, EllaBee +, writes (24 April 2011):
EllaBee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. I know I did the wrong thing by lying, that's why I came clean. I don't expect him to forgive me right away, but he had the chance to leave but he decided to stay. I'm just getting pretty tired of waiting around for forgiveness, seems like it's never going to happen.I probably should have mentioned he's under some pretty serious financial and personal strain at the moment, he has his hands full dealing with other things, I've tried to be understanding, hold back the whining so he can focus on himself, help him out with cash when I can etc but it's just getting ridiculous... Our relationship used to be so natural and beautiful, now it's just sad and unhealthy, I don't know what happened...Reading your reply Aunty BimBim helped a lot, I love him but I love me too, I can't stick around in this toxic relationship getting hurt every day anymore.Thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): The boyfriend: Break this off with him. Some jealousy is understandable and normal but he's taking it way too far. He sounds like trouble.
The point of controversy: In the future DON'T LIE to guys. Tell the truth if you want, or tell the guy that you won't discuss it if you want . . . but DO NOT give false information or misleading omissions.
It's a deeply ingrained thing that men need to be able to trust their woman about her sexual habits. We're talking biological programming here. It used to be the only way for men to know if our children were really our own. So it cuts VERY deeply into our feelings about women when they lie to us about when they've been dropping their pants.
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A
male
reader, Patriot  +, writes (23 April 2011):
This is why your parents always told you to save it. A promiscuous past causes nothing but trouble. If I were the guy, I would have reason to feel jealous, as well. But if he loves you enough, he will forgive you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 April 2011):
He says he doesnt love you anymore but you are still planning to meet him in the next few months? Why?
You say He never calls, never texts, is cold and distant and argues with me about every little thing I say, and yet you are still planning to meet up with him, why?
You say you can't talk to him about any of the concerns, he just flips out and gets even angrier at me. You also say you are suspicious about him seeing somebody else but are too scared to bring it up. Scared?
This person, who I wont dignify with the title of 'man' doesnt call, or text, is cold and distant, argues about everything, flips out, gets angry and makes you scared.
Why are you even considering having anything to do with him, there are red flags all over this relationship. Be grateful he is long distance, and cut and run ... fast!
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