A
male
age
41-50,
*ony6832
writes:HiI'm 34 years old, and am in a distance relationship with someone I love. She is 31. We have been together just around a year. She lives in eastern Europe, me in the UK. We are close and notwithstanding the cost, I spend every spare penny travelling to see her on weekends or her to me. The problem is that both of us are finding the distance and the travel tiring. Fairly early on she told me that she was strongly not inclined to leave her country or indeed her home city, mainly on the basis of her strong relationships with her family and friends. I said I respect that and would try to learn her language and also look for a job there, even although her English is good and I think she would be pretty employable in the UK in an equivalent job to what she does now. I have been doing both ever since. Anyone who has learnt a language knows that it does take time, especially to get to the standard where you are employable (as opposed to chatting a bit with someone in a bar) and also the whole decline in the economy hasn't help what would be a hard job search. But, as mentioned, I have really tried on both fronts.It's now pretty clear that if I am going to get a job there it will be a significant step down for me in my career and, to be honest, realistically the end of significant career progression for me. It will take me some years to go get really good at the language and also where she lives the industry I work in is not well represented at all. Doing well at work is important to me and while I don't live for work, I am proud of what I have achieved over the last 13 years and have battled my way up to a managerial position of good standing and salary. I worry that if I move overseas, then some time down the line I could resent what I have given up.But then, with her we have so much in common, such a closeness and fun together and in many ways a really good level of mutual understanding and our relationship is so romantic and how I imagined a nice relationship might be so much of the time. Sometimes however I do wish she would at least say that she understands that by offering to come to live in her country if I can find work, I am offering to give up a lot. But to her, getting me over there seems to be her prime focus, irrespective (more or less) of what work I end up doing. I also feel vulnerable moving overseas for work because, even if I get a job you can bet I would be high up the line for redundancy if there had to be cut backs, whereas in my current job I feel relatively safe. While not huge, I do have some financial commitments that require me to not be out of work for any long length of time.So you see my dilemma. She so wants me to come there and I understand that. And I guess there is a part of me that does think who cares about career etc and being with the one you love should be the be all and end all. However, is it so wrong to want to continue to make the most of what I have got at work and have a loving relationship?Tony
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reader, Tony6832 +, writes (5 February 2009):
Tony6832 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmily - Thank you for taking the time to write and also appreciating that it isn't easy at all. I do take note of the point you make, your opinion and also how you rightly say I need to conclude myself. That said, I do welcome other perspectives because I am aware that my own conclusions can and have been wrong in the past too!
Thanks again.
T
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 February 2009):
This is a tough one and one that many people face.
I think it really depends on what you want out of life.
Careers are so important. They will be there always and as you say, you have done very well climbing the ladder here and you won't get as good a wage out of the UK. I'm a career person (even though I took a bit of a break for love, I knew it wouldn't do any HARM to my career path, and in the end I have improved due to it) and I think in this case I couldn't risk everything I have worked for and my future for the chance to be together.
However, other people do see love and happiness as being far more important. They say that your job cannot hold you tight at night and make you feel the way love can.
She has said that she will put her family first which is why she cannot move to be with you, even if it means your joint income plummets and it risks your relationship.
I worry that boyfriends can run out on you but your job can't. I only took a break because I had married the guy.
In the end I don't think anyone on the internet, or even your closest friends or family can make this choice for you.
You have to ask yourself if you would be happy being penniless and far away with her love, or loveless with achievements to your name and the life you have built, (and the possibility of finding someone new)
I know which way I would advise you to go but only you know if you think she is worth it.
Good Luck!! xx
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