A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. Last week he called me and said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He doesn't want to break up. He still wants us to be together, and he doesn't want to date other girls. He gave me the option to move on or stay with him. He said he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me. This is the longest relationship he has been in for 14 years. He treats me like a queen when we're together. He doesn't like to hold hands, you can feel him tensing up. I love him so much and I am in love with him. Do you think I should stay with him? Is there hope that he can fall in love with me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): Dear blind girl,OMG! Red Alert!!! This guy is trying to break up with you, it sounds like you have a lot of issues in this relationship and you are clearly in denial! You are ignoring the signs that are in your own message.Sign #1 He has offered to let you be with other men.Men are naturally jealous and possessive creatures so why would he want to share you?Sign #2 You are not comfortable with him.You are not confident to hug him when he walks into the door. How close can you two be if you are questioning a basic show of affection? Face it, you are not truly happy. You know you can do better.Sign#3 He lives 48 miles away. If this is a permanent situation, he probably has a woman closer to home and you are there just for fun.Sign #4 You have ONLY been together 11 months!!! This is a time in a relationship where you can't get enough of each other so any hesitation now just shows that you won't make it to year 3,5, 10...Sign #5 Listen to yourself. You know it doesn't feel right and you know you aren't getting everything you want so why settle for someone who won't hold your hand, show you affection, do anything to drive over and see you on a weekly basis because he misses you? He is not treating you like a queen.Ultimately, you should end it now. He is just easing you into the break up by saying he isn't in love with you but doesn't want to break up. He will probably just stop calling and not do it in person.oh right..Sign #6 He called you to tell you the confusing, bittersweet news. He didn't even give you enough respect to tell you in person. He loves you but he gives you the option of being with other men. He is tricking you into thinking that his decision is yours.Are you really in love with this guy or are you trying desperately to avoid being alone? It sounds like you will do anything to keep him despite all of the signs.Ultimately, you are not aware of how much you are worth. Empower yourself by nurturing your self esteem. Be selfish and don't settle for anything but the best. You are obviously better than this creep who can't even hold a relationship for more than a year. Go find yourself a guy who will really treat you like a queen and accept the fact that this loser is a waste of time.Good luck.
A
female
reader, onedayatatime  +, writes (26 January 2009):
It sounds like you are trying to get some answers from him.
Perhaps he is feeling a little pressured and ids honest with you.
You say that you have been together for 14 years but don't live together.........wow! this would tell me alot. How often do you see each other? This is more like avery comfortable convenience. If you both like it this way then that is good. However, how would he react if you said that you had a date with someone else? Would he tolerate you having sex with anyone else?
Does he feel that there are no challenges Then of course he loves you, but to be in love he has to feel that you are his teritory to protect.
I am not asking you to cheat on him but find out where you stand. perhaps a little break from routine won't do this guy any harm and you might find out that there are other opportunities out there for you while you are still young at heart.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (26 January 2009):
 In mens language, "I love you but am not in love with you", translates into:
I find you fascinating, attractive, fun to be with, and I enjoy your company. I care for you deeply, I want what's best for you. I don't want to hurt you, you are a great person. BUT, there is something missing! I don't know what it is, I cannot describe it. Try as you may, It's not happening for me. I see you trying your ass off, and I feel terrible that it isn't working for me. I may even act like it's working, because I don't want to hurt you.
Despite what I say not to hurt your feelings, I do not see myself spending the rest of my life with you! When you ask me if we should stop seeing one another, I am going to say no. Because, on one hand, I do want to see you, but on the other, I don't see this going anywhere.
More than likely, I will not be the one to break things off. Then again, I might. If I do, you will try even harder to please me, I will feel like a jerk for hurting you, and we'll get back together. I will not be happy inside, I will have regrets. You will have a false sense of security. Things will be good for a while, then go down hill again. You may break it off with me. At this point, things have become very comfortable, and I am going to want you back. Because I do "love you". Once we are back together, things will be great for a while, and then it's going to sink in on me once again, that I am not IN LOVE with you.
We will dance around this for a long time, possibly years. In the end, we are both going to be unhappy"!
I'd say keep your eyes open to other people....
Joe
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear cupid and pastfirst,
thank you for that answer about him making a commitment.
i really think he is a little scared. i am not going to push him. he is a good guy and a hard worker. i forgot to tell you he lives 48 miles from me. so we don't see each other as much as we like to. i work alot of weekends and he usually has them off. i am off today, so if he doesn't have to work overtime he said he will come down. we have not seen each other since he told me on the phone about all this. i am nervous about seeing him. i want to hug him when he comes in that door. should I? Or should i wait for him? please write back. thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 January 2009):
Hun it's not something we can decide for you.
You can stay with him and it may turn out happily, or you may get absolutely BROKEN by it. The feeling of knowing you love someone but they don't love you is soul destroying.
What if he meets someone who does yank his heart strings? Are you prepared for that risk that he may take a better option as soon as it comes along? He seems to be content to muddle along with you but is that really all he's going to want in life, or does he see this as simply the least painful option for all concerned right now?
I would give him a chance. Give him an amount of time (a month? maybe 2?) and see if his feelings change. If he still isn't happy and this doesn't turn out to be a rough patch or a phase then I would seriously consider the horrible option of splitting up and trying to move on from him.
I would rather be alone than in a relationship that is not real and is one sided. You may be stronger than me and you may decide to stay if you can live with that risk. But don't go into anything just assuming it will be ok because you want it to be.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (26 January 2009):
 Just enjoy being together with him. Many relationships start off with feelings of friendship and admiration, and they grow into something more.
You say you really love him, so just be patient. He may be scared to make a commitment.
Enjoy life for the moment. You're not teenagers. Love has different meanings at different ages.
Spoil him and show him how much he means to you.
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