A
female
age
36-40,
*elbell87
writes:I'm 23 years old and lost my virginity to my 26 years old boyfriend of 7 months last night. He's my frist boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything, but I'm not his first.I'll start at the beginning because it will be a little easier to follow. In the beginning, we never really discussed past relationships, which was fine because I didn't have much to discuss anyway. As things became more serious, I tried to bring up the conversation a couple times, because I wanted to know his past but from the way the conversation just sort of ended, I (wrongly) assumed he never really had a girlfriend before me.For example, a few months ago when we made it to...third base, I guess, - I sort of apologized after in case it seemed like I didn't know what I was doing, saying that I wasn't very experienced. He said, "I'm not either," and "don't worry, you were great." So last night, we decided to have sex. He asked if I had ever done it before. I said no, and asked if he had, expecting the answer to be the same.When he said that he had, I was shocked. Now I'm finding myself wondering who this girl was? Part of me says maybe I should just let it be. He's with me now. He told me this time with me "was better than last time." I can't help but be curious though. I'm afraid that if I find out who it was, I'll be a little upset, jealous, whatever. I'm also afraid not knowing will torture me. I don't want to think about it, but I can't help it.I don't think I'd have these feelings if we'd discussed past relationships earlier in our relationship, but I don't know for sure.Sorry for the long bit here with me going on and on, but here's my question...Should I ask when he lost it/to who or should I just try not to think about it because knowing could make it worse?As a side note, my boyfriend is amazing and he made my first time absolutely perfect! I don't regret having sex with him at all, I just don't know what to do with my emotions on his past.
View related questions:
jealous, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kelbell87 +, writes (30 May 2011):
kelbell87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTwo more things I forgot to mention...One, I'm glad he told that having sex with me was better than his last time having sex. It made me feel a lot better and less insecure knowing that I wasn't terrible for my first time.Two, I'm trying to think about how it would be if it was reversed. Or even if I'm with someone else someday. If he's not the one, surely whoever is the one will be a little jealous that I'm not the only person he's been with. It does make me feel better thinking about it that way. My boyfriend now does literally everything he can to make me happy, and I really really love him, so I think if I talk to him about how I'm feeling I can get over it, especially because I can keep reminding myself of the positives about him having a past, as stupid as they may be. (him being experienced enough to know what he's doing, knowing he enjoyed sex with me, and knowing that if the situation was reversed he may feel the same way)
A
female
reader, kelbell87 +, writes (29 May 2011):
kelbell87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clear a few things up - to those that think I'm careless for not talking more about this before sleeping with him... I trust him 100% and I'm not worried about getting anything, we used a condom. I made sure he had a condom before agreeing to have sex. And he told me he never had sex without one.
Also, I know him "not having much experience" doesn't mean he's only been with one person before me, but it really doesn't change much anyway.
What really bothers me the most is that he was emotionally involved enough to sleep with someone else. Yes, I realize he could have had a one night stand, but I know he is not the type to do this. (In a way, I might have preferred him to have had a one night stand, because that means there wasn't anything emotional.)
Also, at the same time as I am slightly jealous/upset at the thought of this other girl, a little part of me is sort of glad, because he seemed to know what he was doing.
Thanks for the advice.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Figure out what about it bothers you the most. The idea that he got to enjoy this other girl's body? The idea that he was emotionally involved with her enough to be willing to sleep with her? The fact that she physically or mentally got to enjoy him? Figure this out and then tell your BF exactly what you are feeling. If you must ask for more information, then ask for details that could downplay the things that hurt you the worst. Avoid discussing details that would play up the elements of those relationships that upset you most. Get your BF to present you some info that is not false but rather is painted in the least painful light. But like the other people said - less info is generally better in these instances. You MUST, MUST, MUST understand that no amount of details will ever make his past totally stop bothering you. Don't fall into the compulsive trap of trying to stop your hurt feelings that way. It won't work and it will probably leave you worse off than if you had stopped asking questions earlier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Should I ask when he lost it/to who or should I just try not to think about it because knowing could make it worse?Nope, it will make it worse. You want to know because you want to compare yourself to this stranger he dated, not because it can help your situation with him at this moment.It's normal to feel vulnerable and unsure of yourself the first time. It's also normal to take things he says to heart and let your imagination run away with you. When he says: "He told me this time with me "was better than last time." it doesn't mean that he's comparing you with anyone else....it likely means you were understandably anxious the first time and the second time you relaxed a bit more. The key to enjoying a sexual relationship with someone is trust, communication, openness, honesty, AND being at ease with you body. Don't let the fact that he has a past get in the way of your relationship. Personally, I think if he's waited several months to have sex with with you, he's probably not just interested in the sex...so I wouldn't focus all my anxiety on it. In the future, don't be afraid to ask him right out if he you have a concern...:"When is the last it time you were tested?""Are you a virgin?""Have you had unprotected sex before?"These are all fair questions...even for a virgin.Goodluck.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Yikes. He lacks courtesy, but who can blame him, he's new at this game of intimacy. You're also new at this, so what Im about to tell you will hopefully calm you down. "This time was better than last time", him saying that was him stepping in the salad. But, he can't be blamed, because he doesn't know that one rule when it comes to sex and previous partners etc, is to NEVER compare. Even if it is to say someone is better. It doesn't harm all people to be compared and come out as the winning party, some feel triumph from that sort of feedback. But, many feel insecure if they are compared.
Having sex is being intimate, it is an act that makes you extremely vulnerable, feeling open and exposed. Especially if it is with someone you care deeply for. You know how the saying goes, the more we love them, the more they can hurt us. The words of the one we love matters so much. And, you don't want to be compared. Maybe you can just tell him that as a heads up, to not compare you with other women, even if it is to tell you you are better. Because all that does is remind you of that other person, and voila, here you are now wondering about her, thinking about her, comparing yourself to her, feeling vulnerable, and feeling insecure.
The other reason you feel especially exposed and insecure right now is, well first off he said what he said, second: this was your first time having intercourse. It matters to you. Had this been your 50th time having sex with him, and he said that, you wouldn't have been so affected by it. Now you're more affected by it, because you don't know how to handle it. Having sex is an emotional experience as well as a physical experience. Right now is you going through the motions and changes sex has on your mind. Add in the extra insecurity he's caused you, and it speaks for itself why you feel the way you do.
What I want to tell you is that this isn't such a big deal. It feels like a lot right now, but it is because everything is new and scary, you're unsure of things, and you need to feel intimate again, because after your first times... there is a high chance of reading too much into things, and feeling emotionally attached to a person to a higher degree, so you will crave intimacy and being close, and fear rejection.
Your fault in this (yes, he's not the only one who stepped in the salad here), was that you didn't prepare yourself enough. You didn't ask him directly about his past. And, asking during, or after sex, is horrible timing. Rule of thumb: don't ask if you don't want an answer. Right there and then was a bad time to ask that question. Before sex would have been a good time. Or to wait until later on to ask, when you didn't feel so vulnerable. This is a sensitive matter, and not something to take casually unless you truly don't care.
I personally wouldn't recommend that you dig into his past. But there are a few things every partner wants to know about their significant other. These things being the number of previous partners (if they think they can handle it), the other most common fact a partner is curious about is when they lost their virginity. It isn't always essential to know with whom. If you want to ask him, I recommend you stick to two questions: how old were you when you first lost your virginity, and why were you so reluctant to tell me about your relationship history when I tried to bring it up earlier in the relationship?
I will warn you that him saying he doesn't have much experience doesn't mean he only did it once before, or with only one woman. So think hard if you want to know it all before you ask. If you are secure in your relationship, and have the life experience to stay calm and accept things as a matter of fact, ask away. But, with the current state of mind you are in, I recommend you build your relationship strong, and build your confidence in this relationship, before you try to dig into his past.
You don't know why he's been reluctant to answer your questions. But, if he's uncomfortable talking to you about it, give him more time. It might be something he's ashamed of, or something very personal (relationship history is personal, but Im thinking deeper things such as sexual abuse or bad experiences).
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Your emotional scar will last a lifetime I fear but, the good news is...you now know to think before you leap into bed. You can get past this by forgiving ypurself for any guilt you might be having. While you don't announce any reservations per se, there are undertones of regret in your quest for answers as to what to do with your emotions. Therefore; forgive yourself and forgive him then move on. Try sking yourself how he'd feel if the history was reversed;i.e he were the virgin and you the "experienced " one. Good luck young lady.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Wow, why would you have sex with someone without asking their sexual history first? I don't care how much I care for the guy, if he's had sexual contact before me I would ask him to get tested before we do anything...
...............................
|
